The VEF Members Novel

[MaxJoker]

............... GreenSkull woke up to the sound and sensation of being pissed on , he opened his eyes to see a now zombie Bess letting rip with a bladder full over his back. Thankfully though he was now wearing a scuba diving suit .

" Thanks for the wake up call " He said , since being half deranged the guy always strove to make the best of a bad situation.

She looked annoyed and he could see the sadness of betrayal in her half chewed face, along with a hunger for vengeance. Unfortunately the only weapon he had to hand was , his hand . So he leaped up like Tabler at last orders and punched her head off. It snapped at the neck and flew towards the window , only to bounce against the glass and fly back at him teeth gnashing. Thankfully he`d studied the martial art of Three Stooge Do , and poked Bess in the eyes with two fingers. The head plopped on the floor near his feet and uselessly tried to snap at him.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door . GreenSkull spun around , only now realising he was in some kind of utterly banal jail cell .Which must have been designed by a true sadist. Since every item in it was surely put there to drive an inmate to suicide . From the too small portable TV that could only be switched on by a remote control that wasn`t there. To the faded colour of purple and egg shell yellow that covered the ceiling , walls , floor and even bed. A bed that only a double leg amputee would have found comfy !.

The knock on the cell door grew louder. He opened it and was greeted by the ugliest looking mutated freak imaginable. A freak wearing a dull purple and egg shell yellow striped top and , Skirt !. GreenSkull gasped . This creature was a woman ?. Seeing a name tag on the beasts stripy top he read it , yes this monstrosity was called Linda . But what kind of prison would staff it with women who looked as if they`d been pulled inside out ???

It spoke

" Got yor mennnu "

GreenSkull strained to understand " My what ?, you`ve got what "

It grunted and held out it`s equally hideousness arms . GreenSkull took the sheet of paper it had been holding . The monster turned and trudged away , it`s feet dragging with every overly laboured step.

He slammed the door and attempted to lock it . Yet the lock was so cheaply made it didn`t work . But what sort of jail cell allowed the inmates to lock themselves in he wondered ?. His eyes dropped to the piece of paper and having read it, for the first time in his twenty one years on earth () was terrified .

Staggering he let the paper fall and stumbled into what must have passed for this cell`s dank bathroom. It couldn`t be true , it couldn`t . But it was . He was trapped in a place worse than hell and with no known means of escape. Leaning over the sink and pushing the weird double button he splashed his face with a trickle of gray water . But it was no good , it was real , this was real. Because as he looked at himself in the stained dirty mirror he could see reflected from the other room that damn sheet of paper , clearly headed with the four words that would cause even a fearless bullet proof Rhino to shit it`s pants , Premium Inn Breakfast Menu ! ...............


Meanwhile over in Hong Kong Greenman had just roughly banged a super model . That is he`d just run his scooter into the Bentley of a local Triad boss .............

Whereas in Libya . Mal Hombre , tmee2000 and keefriff were planning to ............

[Tmee2020]

..get some gas for the Bentley.

This piece of German automotive engineering wasn't going to run on thin air, you know?
Our Editor didn't go into the gory details- which is not like him at all, come to think of it. What are they putting in that prison food? He left out the bit about- Greenie running over the Triad boss before the into the Bentler bit.

Anyway there was Greenie, Claudia (the supermodel), Mal, keefer, and myself. On the Via Balbia, Med on the left, Greenie sipping a Margarita (none of this mamby-pamby frozen stuff either for our Greenie, he was a real traditionalist. I told Tabs we had created a monster. Another one that is. We were running out of room).

Benghazi. Tobruk .El Alamein.This was starting to look like we were captured in a 1941 time-warp by some sort of Space Aliens. Greenie kept saying we had to meet Scounds and Sylvia Sims in Alex, and I thought that an ice-cold frozen margarita might do the trick instead, but Greenie was having none of it.

All the while he was working on counter-measures for the Elenin comet, due to strike Libya at any moment. No wonder the locals were getting agitated. Donnalangtonukmode had quietly pointed this out, the comet was discovered by some Russian, why he didn't just call it Lenin is beyond me. DL had come up with some constructive ideas- "We're all going to die, we don't have a prayer!", that sort of stuff.

Ever one to sacrifice himself for the common good, Greenie was slaving away on his project: REPO*, to save mankind. And any other species that might want to attach its bruised and smouldering hide to our ship of salvation. This meant firing his specially-designed spaceship laden with nuclear warheads and high explosives to deflect said comet from its collision course with all of the rest of us.

He suggested me as pilot, but I quietly pointed out to him that mathematics was my strong suit, not suicidal heroics, which was more DL's forte. I could do the calculations, DL could fly the Death Mission (only enough rocket fuel for a one-way ticket), and Greenie could take all the glory.

With the sun slowly setting over the Med and the burning oil fields, Claudia totally p+ssed off, and our plan in place-
it had been the perfect day really...

*Really Exciting Plan & Operation

[Estreeter]

A warm mid morning breeze was blowing and blew the curtains open in Estreeters bedroom just enough to let the sun shine through and wake him up. He got up, stretched and yawned, said FUCK out of habit, scratched his balls and went too the toilet. While taking his leak, he did his usual morning fart that could wake the dead and giggled like a girl about it. Great, he thought to himself, got the house to myself for a few hours so off to the kitchen and make breakfast. While making his breakfast of a half dozen scrambled eggs, half a pig and a loaf of bread, he suddenly remembered the previous nights dream. "I must be nuts" he said out loud to himself, "Dreaming about people I know on VEF". He put the dream on hold for a moment as finishing making breakfast was more important but it started to worry him.

He couldn't make sense of his dream, LA, England, Zombies, members on VEF, ninjas, hippies. He was real confused now. He then picked up the phone and made an appointment to see DR Melfi, his therapist. She helped him with psychological issues, but he really made the appointment as all he really wanted was a blow job or three.

He grabbed his lap top and breakfast and headed for the porch for another typical day, started to eat like it was his last meal, logged onto VEF and then wondered weather GreenSkull could make sense of his fucked up dream so decided to send him a PM.

His trusty German Sheppard, Jess, was at his feet and Esteeter gave her a slice of bacon, he looked down and noticed Jess had a Yamaka. Where the hell did she get that he wondered, picked it up and tossed it just to get Jess away from him. It landed in the middle of the backyard.

Right where it landed was when Estreeters jaw dropped, there was some scuba gear, 15 empty vodka bottles, a broken ninja sword, a book of 101 smartarse comments, a copy of Sticky Fingers signed by Keith Richards, a Libyan Visa, a she male magazine and a Bentley smashed right into his GT. His initial thought was that was no dream there, they were here, I don't need therapy today, but I still want my blow job. He got up, looked at his GT and said "He's gonna pay dearly" then wondered WFT is going on, they found where I live, this ain't good, The freaks have invaded .............

[MaxJoker]

The fighting had been intense for days, as the twisted mangled corpses strewn around the cheap hotel could attest to , blood stains drenched walls and chunks of what used to be the Premier Inn`s female staff covered the floor . Although to be fair the female staff had never looked more attractive and feminine than they did right now.

GreenSkull staggered down the final flight of stairs and out into the lobby , he was tensed for the final battle. In his hands he held a vicious looking weapon he`d made out of a toilet seat and five packets of complimentary biscuits. Sure it wasn`t ideal but it`d have to do.

He walked into the main hall , it was deathly quiet. But then the main hall did lead into the dinning area and the only people who used that were foreign tourists, and only the once.

Hefting the makeshift weapon in his hands GreenSkull slowly walked forward . Something didn`t feel right . He walked on . Past the fizzy drinks dispenser , which enabled you to purchase a 60p can of cola for the reasonable mark up price of only £1.10 . He walked on . Past the ice cream dispenser , that sold Ben and Jerry`s tiny tubs for an inviting £3.99 , past the snack shack where buying a large packet of crisps meant first applying to the bank for a loan .

GreenSkull sneered , and walked away . By now he`d arrived near the online terminals a mere ten feet from the entrance to freedom. But he hesitated , like a fool he hesitated . Struck dumb by the price the hotel was asking for only an hours very limited Internet access.

Which is when he was hit from behind so hard he tumbled to the ground and dropped his weapon , it fell with a dull thud , the biscuits going off and ricocheting harmlessly across the thin carpet. He spun round on the floor and stared up , it was Lenny Henry . The Lenny Henry , that god awful stand up comedian who sold his soul to this very Hotel chain a few years ago.

" What the hell are you doing here ? " Gasped GreenSkull (Who lets all remember hadn`t eaten or drank anything for several days and fought nonstop ,which is the only reason Henry`s punch had knocked him down )

" Well where else am i going to be , on tour performing in front of my fans ?" Lenny grinned , mostly surprised that`d he`d actually made a joke for once in his life.

" It`s my influence " GreenSkull said , answering Len`s unasked question " And talking of big old jokes what`s your ex missus up to these days , still turning herself into a planet "

Bellowing in rage he came at him, all grabbing fingers and clenched teeth . It was looking bad for GreenSkull , but thankfully Hennys massive ego threw him off balance and he missed , allowing GreenSkull to send a special delivery to the blokes balls , curtsey's of his boot. Lenny collapsed to the floor crying in agony, not the same sort of agony those unlucky enough to be a member of the audience when he performed had felt , but he was hurt just the same.

Wasting no more time GreenSkull got up and ran for the entrance , the natural light as he reached outside blinded him but he kept on running , across the road and down the street . He kept running until breathless he finally had to stop , the lack of food made his head spin and he was dizzy and about to drop.

When suddenly he heard the tune of an ice cream van , shielding his eyes he looked as it pulled up right beside him and couldn`t believe it when ...........

[Estreeter]

............ He stared in awe at his angel, the 1st time GreenSkull was speechless, his angel stood there



She reached down, took his hand and...........

[MaxJoker]

Originally Posted by Estreeter

............ He stared in awe at his angel, the 1st time GreenSkull was speechless, his angel stood there



She reached down, took his hand and...........

.................... Got stabbed by the ten foot tent peg jutting out of GreenSkulls pants.

" Sorry " He said " But then it is a remarkably cold day "


" Who the hell you a talking to boy "

GreenSkull opened his eyes , he`d dreamed the Angel and the Ice Cream Van , the sadness struck him to the core , the kind of sadness he always felt where he got painted into a corner while at the pub and actually had to pay for a round.

" Huh , did someone speak just then " He shielded his eyes once more to try and see clearly.

" I said who the hell you a talking to boy "

The voice came from inside a coach parked across the road .

It had something written only the side of it , and was being driven by the one who`d spoken , who was ...................

[Greenman]

[Don't know where this story is heading but are you two planning a civil wedding or a registry office do?]

[Estreeter]

After GreenSkulls vision became a bit more clear he saw his worst nightmare





He didn't want too be married by the pope and have his enemy there laughing at him. He ran, and ran, more that day than his entire life too that date. He ran all the way too....

[MaxJoker]

Originally Posted by Greenman

[Don't know where this story is heading but are you two planning a civil wedding or a registry office do?]

Greenman you`ve gone off topic


You of all legends


Colour me shocked


By the way where do you yourself want the story to go
Oh and before you answer , remember the rest of us haven`t your much admired imagination


Or your throughly perverted nature


Ps
If you`re trying to find your way out of the closet just keep waking straight , ahead

[Greenman]

I'm not sure where I want it go, but in an area that I can contribute to because so far I am totally mystified-it started off like a murder mystery and then took an odd turn. Rest assured I am a) totally straight and b) watching this ready to step in with my next bit. I think you all have imagination for what its worth...meanwhile in a small beach hut outside Cleethorpes someone produced GreenSkull lighter and lit his cigarette