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Old 02-21-2018, 11:54 AM   #13381
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Smile

There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for manay, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "Fuck you"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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Old 02-22-2018, 02:34 AM   #13382
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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.
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Old 02-22-2018, 11:46 AM   #13383
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Smile

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her, He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"
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Old 02-22-2018, 04:16 PM   #13384
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By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded to the last hotel manager, “Or just a bed–I don’t really care where. I’m completely exhausted”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
“Never better.” John said.
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time.”
“How’d you manage that?”
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, “Good night, beautiful” and he sat up all night watching me.”
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Old 02-22-2018, 06:34 PM   #13385
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!

”I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” 
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
“You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
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Old 02-22-2018, 08:54 PM   #13386
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viagra shipment stolen ... cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals
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Old 02-23-2018, 06:26 AM   #13387
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A Sudanese, an Indian and a Singaporean were asked, "In your opinion, what is the nutritional value of beef?" The Sudanese said, "What is nutritional value?" The Indian said, "What is beef?" and the Singaporean said, "What is an opinion?" - Karl Nelson, as recounted to Paul Theroux.
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Old 02-23-2018, 12:42 PM   #13388
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Smile

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at a local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he is expected to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct", answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:47 AM   #13389
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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant:
“Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
“Ask him again where my damn money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell…that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
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Old 02-24-2018, 01:59 PM   #13390
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Smile

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly annointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked him with a sneer, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there;send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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