Collected old threads from Funnies - Page 12

rogpark9 · December 14th, 2010, 09:51 PM

m

**baldie** · February 15th, 2011, 09:51 AM

Found on a football forum, enjoy.

Excerpts from the Queen Mother's Book of Remembrance

"When you think how many more there are to go in her family, it makes you wonder how they have the gall to keep putting us through this”.
K. Popovic, Box Hill
-------------------
"I had £20 on you going before Princess Margaret. Thanks for nothing, ma'am!"
G. S. Humboldt, New Malden
--------------------
"I think of the Queen Mum and Princess Diana as our very own Twin Towers. Finally I can once again look the people of New York in the face".
L. Ward, Mansfield
-------------------
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that vow as well”.
A. Christie, Hendon
-------------------
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit".
J. Clement, Grantham
-------------------
"By the time she got to her age I would have expected her to be at least a great-great-grandmother. Something smells fishy".
G. Furchtenstern, Harwich
-------------------
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly".
D. Holmes, Somerset
-------------------
"The death of the Queen Mother is a terrible example to set princes Harry and Wills. Just like their mother and Princess Margaret. They all smoked”.
A. Fernandes, Uttoxeter
-------------------
"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. "No," she replied, "I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to my bladder". That's how she was, a fighter who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though -- it was quite sickening”.
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire
-------------------
"It nauseates me to think that two perfectly good replacement hips have gone to waste for nothing. Has our Health Service really come to this?"
L. Ivanisevic, Colchester
------------------
"She was a marvellous woman and a wonderful lover”.
L. J. Worthington, Penrith
-------------------
"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off”.
S. Wilson, Bristol
-------------------
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual”.
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe
-------------------
"I wrote to her every week for 27 years inviting her to our flower shop. Finally she said she would visit our stand at this year's Chelsea Flower Show. Now this happens! I will never again believe a Royal farther than I can throw them”.
B. Sigurdsdottir, Bishop Auckland
-------------------
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire
-------------------
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around the Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists”.
Y. Howell, Slough.
------------------
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion. How would she feel if it was her mother?"
W. Waugh, Richmond.
----------------------
"I remember her during the Blitz. She was always visiting us after the East End raids. I can still see her in my mind's eye standing in the rubble after a particularly bad one, politely refusing a shovel”.
N. Cohen, Spitalfields
-------------------
"I queued up for 15 hours to see the Queen Mother in her coffin, but when I finally got there IT WASN'T EVEN OPEN. IS THIS SOMEBODY'S IDEA OF A JOKE!!?"
T. Langridge, Heptonstall
-------------------
"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads”.
K. O'Neill, Inverness
---------------------
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this small setback put an end to her public duties”.
N. Wallace, Swansea
-------------------
"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event”.
E. Thompson, West Lothian
-------------------
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, it's the only thing that will make us feel better”.
P. McGregor, Southampton
-------------------
"This has come as a terrible shock and surprise”.
T.M.D. Sajeed, Southall
-------------------
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin”.
R. Thompson, Bath
-------------------
"The old saying is right, 'Life begins at 100'“.
E. Carrefour, Kings Cross
-------------------
"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until Her Majesty is buried”.
E. Gorman, Derbyshire
-------------------
"Good God, who is next -- Geri Halliwell?"
R. Combes, Romford
-------------------
"Thanks to the funeral of the Queen Mother I was three hours late for a very important meeting. I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED!!!"
J. O'Leary, London
-------------------
"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard”.
G. Hollins, East Sussex
-------------------
"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. Whispering softly in my ear, she said “You know it's not true, you don't smell of shit”. She was a wonderful person”.
E. Collier, London
-------------------
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana”.
G. Williams, West Midlands
-------------------
"If her exceptionally long life has any meaning at all, it is surely that it has no meaning”.
D. F. Fajuyigbye, Brent Cross
-------------------
"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am”.
L. Weller, Harlow
-------------------
"Thanks Gods the Queen Mum was not Turkish!"
P. Stepanides, Peckham
-------------------
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath
-------------------
"I once gave the Queen Mum an embroidered handkerchief during a school visit. I doubt there's much chance of me getting it back now”.
H. Santorini-Sanchez, Cheltenham
-------------------
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she can enjoy a life of privilege and comfort”.
T. D. Wainwright, Hastings
-------------------
"Yet again the Royal Family has let us down. When King Edward VIII was a Nazi sympathiser it was the climate of the time, but the death of the Queen Mother shows astonishing insensitivity to the feelings of the nation”.
S. Jones, Cardiff
-------------------
"How unfair for the Queen Mother to have been singled out by death. We should be given the opportunity to vote off the Royals, for instance that little prick the Duke of York. I'd give him the thumbs down anytime”.
P. Shacklady, Liverpool

skullorchard · April 28th, 2011, 05:19 AM

I'm surprised that I haven't found a thread for Doug Sneyd. At one time, he was Playboy's highest paid contributing cartoonist. In my humble opinion, he was Canada's greatest cartoonist. So, just in case I'm not blind, here are a few Sneyd toons to kick this thread off.

**buttsie** · June 17th, 2011, 01:55 AM

last line

"You agree never to access the internet while not wearing happy pants."

happy pants leads to

gtos4ever · August 1st, 2011, 03:27 AM

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well!

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

neverman10000 · August 5th, 2011, 09:59 PM

neverman10000 · August 6th, 2011, 09:48 PM

Ouch!!!!!!!!!!

**flipflop2** · August 9th, 2011, 07:19 PM

And they have had us by that ever since..

Estreeter · August 11th, 2011, 01:51 PM

Many comedians and actors are good at making fun of and impersonating other famous people,

I came across Max Koch who does a perfect Tony Soprano impersonation, better than James Gandolfini does

CLICK

I posted one last night in another thread, but I think that one is even better

Go ahead an add some

**mmoog24** · August 20th, 2011, 04:10 AM

December 14th, 2010, 09:51 PM	#111
rogpark9 Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 10 Thanks: 12 Thanked 116 Times in 10 Posts	XNXX Cartoons m

February 15th, 2011, 09:51 AM	#112
baldie Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 1,031 Thanks: 114,735 Thanked 23,965 Times in 1,046 Posts	Excerpts from the Queen Mother's Book of Remembrance Found on a football forum, enjoy. Excerpts from the Queen Mother's Book of Remembrance "When you think how many more there are to go in her family, it makes you wonder how they have the gall to keep putting us through this”. K. Popovic, Box Hill ------------------- "I had £20 on you going before Princess Margaret. Thanks for nothing, ma'am!" G. S. Humboldt, New Malden -------------------- "I think of the Queen Mum and Princess Diana as our very own Twin Towers. Finally I can once again look the people of New York in the face". L. Ward, Mansfield ------------------- "When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that vow as well”. A. Christie, Hendon ------------------- "She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit". J. Clement, Grantham ------------------- "By the time she got to her age I would have expected her to be at least a great-great-grandmother. Something smells fishy". G. Furchtenstern, Harwich ------------------- "I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly". D. Holmes, Somerset ------------------- "The death of the Queen Mother is a terrible example to set princes Harry and Wills. Just like their mother and Princess Margaret. They all smoked”. A. Fernandes, Uttoxeter ------------------- "She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. "No," she replied, "I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to my bladder". That's how she was, a fighter who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though -- it was quite sickening”. B. Forrester, North Yorkshire ------------------- "It nauseates me to think that two perfectly good replacement hips have gone to waste for nothing. Has our Health Service really come to this?" L. Ivanisevic, Colchester ------------------ "She was a marvellous woman and a wonderful lover”. L. J. Worthington, Penrith ------------------- "I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off”. S. Wilson, Bristol ------------------- "How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual”. J. Fletcher, High Wycombe ------------------- "I wrote to her every week for 27 years inviting her to our flower shop. Finally she said she would visit our stand at this year's Chelsea Flower Show. Now this happens! I will never again believe a Royal farther than I can throw them”. B. Sigurdsdottir, Bishop Auckland ------------------- "Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs". E. Franks, Cheshire ------------------- "Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around the Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists”. Y. Howell, Slough. ------------------ "Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion. How would she feel if it was her mother?" W. Waugh, Richmond. ---------------------- "I remember her during the Blitz. She was always visiting us after the East End raids. I can still see her in my mind's eye standing in the rubble after a particularly bad one, politely refusing a shovel”. N. Cohen, Spitalfields ------------------- "I queued up for 15 hours to see the Queen Mother in her coffin, but when I finally got there IT WASN'T EVEN OPEN. IS THIS SOMEBODY'S IDEA OF A JOKE!!?" T. Langridge, Heptonstall ------------------- "It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads”. K. O'Neill, Inverness --------------------- "I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this small setback put an end to her public duties”. N. Wallace, Swansea ------------------- "I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event”. E. Thompson, West Lothian ------------------- "Bomb Iraq for us Tony, it's the only thing that will make us feel better”. P. McGregor, Southampton ------------------- "This has come as a terrible shock and surprise”. T.M.D. Sajeed, Southall ------------------- "We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin”. R. Thompson, Bath ------------------- "The old saying is right, 'Life begins at 100'“. E. Carrefour, Kings Cross ------------------- "I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until Her Majesty is buried”. E. Gorman, Derbyshire ------------------- "Good God, who is next -- Geri Halliwell?" R. Combes, Romford ------------------- "Thanks to the funeral of the Queen Mother I was three hours late for a very important meeting. I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED!!!" J. O'Leary, London ------------------- "No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard”. G. Hollins, East Sussex ------------------- "I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. Whispering softly in my ear, she said “You know it's not true, you don't smell of shit”. She was a wonderful person”. E. Collier, London ------------------- "Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana”. G. Williams, West Midlands ------------------- "If her exceptionally long life has any meaning at all, it is surely that it has no meaning”. D. F. Fajuyigbye, Brent Cross ------------------- "She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am”. L. Weller, Harlow ------------------- "Thanks Gods the Queen Mum was not Turkish!" P. Stepanides, Peckham ------------------- "If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!" J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath ------------------- "I once gave the Queen Mum an embroidered handkerchief during a school visit. I doubt there's much chance of me getting it back now”. H. Santorini-Sanchez, Cheltenham ------------------- "She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she can enjoy a life of privilege and comfort”. T. D. Wainwright, Hastings ------------------- "Yet again the Royal Family has let us down. When King Edward VIII was a Nazi sympathiser it was the climate of the time, but the death of the Queen Mother shows astonishing insensitivity to the feelings of the nation”. S. Jones, Cardiff ------------------- "How unfair for the Queen Mother to have been singled out by death. We should be given the opportunity to vote off the Royals, for instance that little prick the Duke of York. I'd give him the thumbs down anytime”. P. Shacklady, Liverpool __________________ but I never, and I don't know who could have if I didn't, but I never, and I repeat never, ever pissed in your steam iron. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

April 28th, 2011, 05:19 AM	#113
skullorchard Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Alberta, Canada Posts: 179 Thanks: 7,071 Thanked 3,904 Times in 173 Posts	Doug Sneyd I'm surprised that I haven't found a thread for Doug Sneyd. At one time, he was Playboy's highest paid contributing cartoonist. In my humble opinion, he was Canada's greatest cartoonist. So, just in case I'm not blind, here are a few Sneyd toons to kick this thread off.

June 17th, 2011, 01:55 AM	#114
buttsie Porn Archeologist Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: earth Posts: 12,714 Thanks: 92,252 Thanked 241,298 Times in 12,746 Posts	Terms and Conditions - Sharing password site last line "You agree never to access the internet while not wearing happy pants." happy pants leads to

August 1st, 2011, 03:27 AM	#115
gtos4ever Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 472 Thanks: 6,830 Thanked 5,660 Times in 467 Posts	Profound The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well! Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. __________________ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

August 5th, 2011, 09:59 PM	#116
neverman10000 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 181 Thanks: 3,538 Thanked 6,266 Times in 192 Posts	Sexy joke cartoon

August 6th, 2011, 09:48 PM	#117
neverman10000 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 181 Thanks: 3,538 Thanked 6,266 Times in 192 Posts	cavewomen liberation Ouch!!!!!!!!!!

August 9th, 2011, 07:19 PM	#118
flipflop2 Vintage Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 340 Thanks: 37,714 Thanked 14,921 Times in 343 Posts	And they have had us by that ever since..

August 11th, 2011, 01:51 PM	#119
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,120 Thanks: 449,724 Thanked 896,852 Times in 60,322 Posts	Impersonations Many comedians and actors are good at making fun of and impersonating other famous people, I came across Max Koch who does a perfect Tony Soprano impersonation, better than James Gandolfini does CLICK I posted one last night in another thread, but I think that one is even better Go ahead an add some __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

August 20th, 2011, 04:10 AM	#120
mmoog24 Vintage Member Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 2,151 Thanks: 13,287 Thanked 55,543 Times in 2,172 Posts

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode