Post your corny jokes

[tygrkhat40]

Charlie walks into his local bar with a face looking like 10 miles of bad road. The bartender says, "Jeezus, what happened to you?" "I got hit in the face with a shovel by that SOB, Eddie Miller," Charlie replies. "Didn't you have anything on hand to defend yourself with?" "Yeah, Wendy Miller's right tit. A lovely thing, but pretty useless in a fight."

Charlie walks into his local bar with a face looking like 10 miles of bad road. The bartender says, "Jeezus, what happened to you?" "I called my wife a two-bit whore and she hit me." "What did she hit you with?" "A sack of quarters."

[VintageKell]

A religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven!'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times..... every position from Missionary, to 69'.

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins father?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that stupid smile off of your face.'

[Astatine]

Three English 40-something guys are sitting in a bar. Guy 1 begins to lament his atrocious sex life after 20 years of marriage. Guy 2 agrees and they look to guy 3. He says that, on the contrary, his sex life has never been better. The first two are intrigued, and guy 3 explains that he bought his wife a gas mask. This wasn't much help to the other two so the third guy explains:
"Well, she's not great looking, so, you know, it helps". They accepted this but didn't feel like that on its own was enough. He then added "She loves garlic but I don't so I find that the gas mask helps there too. But the best thing is the third reason". The first two guys are completely hooked and say "What's that then?". The third guy sits back and says "Well, you know those canisters on the front of a gas mask? They filter air into the mask to protect the wearer from air contaminants. I put my hands over them and, after 10 seconds, she moves" ....

[VintageKell]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The husband replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[VintageKell]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 Euros is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was a Catholic?"

[Janson]

Hedgehog and a ferret got into a fight ... the hedgehog won on points.

[hugleflip]

A man owned a small farm in Rural Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of all your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, " there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him 200 euros a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for eighteen months and I pay her 150 euros a week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the halfwit. He works about eighteen hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 euros a week. He pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to....the halfwit!" said the investigator eagerly.
"That would be me!" replied the farmer.

[Astatine]

Two guys with no money were gasping for a drink. They turn their pockets out to find 53 pence between them. One says to the other "Well, that's our prayers answered. Watch this". So they go into a chip shop and buy a saveloy. Without explaning the significance, they go into a pub and order two pints and two shots. The guy in the dark is worried. "We don't have the dosh for this". "Don't fret". And with that hangs the saveloy out of his flies. "Bend down and suck this". So he does. The landlord is s disgusted he kicks the blokes out, but they manage to drink without paying.

They do this time and again until, at the 8th pub, the sucker complains that he can't bend down any more as his knees hurt. The other is unmoved. "You should worry. I lost the saveloy after the second pub!"

[theequestrian]

Two construction workers are eating lunch seated on a steel I-beam high above the city streets. The older of the two turns to his buddy and says
"You know I think I've fucked every woman in this town except my mother and daughter"
His young friend considers this statement and then replies
"Well, then I guess between the two of us we've had them all"

[ballyhoo]

did you hear about the man with 3 penises?

his pants fit like a glove ! (oh, that is bad)