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Old 01-11-2018, 11:42 PM   #13241
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Old 01-13-2018, 07:24 PM   #13242
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Only a FOOL would buy IKEA furniture.
Instead I just download the instructions and keep emailing their service dept to say that I am missing a piece, until they ship me all the pieces over a six month period
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Old 01-13-2018, 09:26 PM   #13243
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Started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We haven’t got a gig yet.
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Old 01-13-2018, 11:04 PM   #13244
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I would not say we were poor when i was young but my mother would tell bedtime stories when i was sat on the pot.

I have never worked out how my sisters had two brothers & i only had one.
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Old 01-14-2018, 05:56 AM   #13245
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What did the pirate say when he turned four score years of age?



Ay matey!
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Old 01-14-2018, 06:11 AM   #13246
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I got my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thank you!"

I said, "Don't mention it!"
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Old 01-14-2018, 10:26 AM   #13247
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So I said to my doctor, "Doctor, can you do anything about this steering wheel on my scrotum? It's driving me nuts".
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Old 01-14-2018, 11:25 AM   #13248
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Patient: Doctor!........ Doctor!.........everyone keeps ignoring me.

Doctor: Next.
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Old 01-14-2018, 12:42 PM   #13249
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I used to organise the filofax for a mafia gang

...i was deep in organised crime

Milton Jones..genius
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Old 01-14-2018, 12:43 PM   #13250
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Impress your friends with your wildlife knowledge by telling the difference between a crocodile and alligator by the one you see later and the one you see in a while
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