They Still Love Your Wife/Girlfriend...

[KissArmy]

I'm talking the family of your wife/girlfriend's ex-fiance/ex-boyfriend. Despite your wife/girlfriend ending it with their son/brother, the ex's family still loves your wife/girlfriend.

You know she loves you and that it's absolutely over with the ex. THEY know she loves you and they're happy for her (and you) - but she still loves them too. This thread is to discuss when that joint lovefest crosses the line. My opinion is, your wife/girlfriend is entitled to her past, but you don't have to subsidize it if they give you cause not to respect them.

Before I ever met my wife, she moved to another country as a teenage girl and quickly got engaged to the town scoundrel. She soon figured out he was a scoundrel and broke it off. But she came to love his family and they love her. My wife and her ex-fiance's family - especially his mom - have regularly corresponded over the years. I accept that. But because they knew he was a scoundrel (my wife said they admitted it) and they were willing to let him ruin a young girl's life because they really wanted her as a daughter-in-law (my wife said they admitted that too), I don't respect them.

So what I won't do is pay for her to travel back there for some beloved reunion with people I don't respect. Especially if I'm expected to join her and sit there like a cuckold. When we were on our anniversary dream trip - to a different part of that same country - my wife surprised me by announcing that that the second half of our anniversary trip - an excursion back to the scoundrel's hometown - would include her reunion with her ex-fiance's beloved family. And I was to accompany her and pay for everything.

I refused and cut short our dream trip. It was bad, it was emotional, she was hurt, but I'm glad I stood my ground. You don't rub your ex's family in your spouse's / boyfriend's face like that.

So that's where I draw the line. Where's your line?

[bloke57]

I can't replicate your experience but I do have a parallel situation.

I went out with a girl for quite a few years and really loved her. I would have liked to marry her but things never went quite that far for her. So, needing to move on myself, I ended the relationship and we became good friends - still are twenty five years on.

But I always got on really well with her parents. So much so that I used to visit them independently and enjoyed many a dinner with them - I even house/cat sat for them a couple of times.

Eventually my former girlfriend met and married another chap. He's okay but can be very moody and childish. He also suffers from rather poor health and he definitely uses that as a strange form of passive-aggressive control over her. Whereas she used to be a feisty, characterful person, she seemed to change and become a bit of a doormat to him.

I did attend their wedding but all the time her mum and dad were looking over at me and I know they would have preferred me as a son-in-law.

But that's life - opposites often attract and I suppose that's what happened.

[KissArmy]

Originally Posted by bloke57

I can't replicate your experience but I do have a parallel situation.

I went out with a girl for quite a few years and really loved her. I would have liked to marry her but things never went quite that far for her. So, needing to move on myself, I ended the relationship and we became good friends - still are twenty five years on.

But I always got on really well with her parents. So much so that I used to visit them independently and enjoyed many a dinner with them - I even house/cat sat for them a couple of times.

Eventually my former girlfriend met and married another chap. He's okay but can be very moody and childish. He also suffers from rather poor health and he definitely uses that as a strange form of passive-aggressive control over her. Whereas she used to be a feisty, characterful person, she seemed to change and become a bit of a doormat to him.

I did attend their wedding but all the time her mum and dad were looking over at me and I know they would have preferred me as a son-in-law.

But that's life - opposites often attract and I suppose that's what happened.

This. To them, you're the Son-in-Law-That-Got-Away. If you've got a spouse/girlfriend, your spouse/girlfriend can read that "look" too. It really hurts. There's a lot to be said for the theory that if you end a relationship with a spouse/girlfriend, you cut the cord to their family too, out of respect for the current love in your life.

[stiv837]

Before my wife and i got together, she lived with a guy for about two years. She hates her ex, but if we happen to be out and we run into one of his brothers , she always gives them very tight hugs and kisses them. She has also remained friends with his sister, who comes to our house to visit and use the hot tub with my wife. The sister is a good looking woman and i like seeing her in a bathing suit , but i really wish all of them would just go away.

[KissArmy]

Originally Posted by stiv837

Before my wife and i got together, she lived with a guy for about two years. She hates her ex, but if we happen to be out and we run into one of his brothers , she always gives them very tight hugs and kisses them. She has also remained friends with his sister, who comes to our house to visit and use the hot tub with my wife. The sister is a good looking woman and i like seeing her in a bathing suit , but i really wish all of them would just go away.

This too. It's like your wife is saying she settled for you but really wanted them. It hurts.

Recently I discovered my wife's ex's siblings contacted her again... this time they're celebrating their mother's birthday and they wanted my wife to provide memories and photographs of my wife's time with their mother. My wife happily agreed and secretly mailed some package internationally. I don't know what she mailed and she doesn't know I found out.

I've decided not to say anything. You have to pick your battles, I guess. But yeah, I really wish all of them would go away. Better yet, that my wife would have cut the cord with them so many years ago. You're entitled to your past, but don't rub my face in it.

[stiv837]

I used to complain about her ex's family being in her life, she got mad and told me if i didn't like it to leave. My wife has pictures of her and her ex , the pictures are somewhat sexy, her sitting on his lap in a bathing suit , the two of them dressed up to go out , one of them kissing. She doesn't know that i know about the pictures, after all these years they kind of turn me on.

[KissArmy]

Originally Posted by stiv837

I used to complain about her ex's family being in her life, she got mad and told me if i didn't like it to leave. My wife has pictures of her and her ex , the pictures are somewhat sexy, her sitting on his lap in a bathing suit , the two of them dressed up to go out , one of them kissing. She doesn't know that i know about the pictures, after all these years they kind of turn me on.

Wow.

In my house, my wife and I have settled into an unspoken agreement... she doesn't carry on her lovefest with her ex's family in my face, and I don't criticize either them, the shithole town they still live in, or their home country.

I hope things will taper off when the ex's mother dies. But damn, she's got those Nordic genes and she'll probably live to 100.

[KissArmy]

Originally Posted by KissArmy

Wow.

In my house, my wife and I have settled into an unspoken agreement... she doesn't carry on her lovefest with her ex's family in my face, and I don't criticize either them, the shithole town they still live in, or their home country.

I hope things will taper off when the ex's mother dies. But damn, she's got those Nordic genes and she'll probably live to 100.

Just got snapped at again... I asked a question about the ex's family's country that implied one other part might be a shithole. Apparently that's another insult to her ex's sainted family and their entire country. Then she asked me why I was now shaking my head and laughing.

(still love her though)

[LadyLuck]

I have never been in your position but I am going to take a wild guess and assume that you were aware of all of this before you said "I do". If so, have a Coke and a smile deal with it. Unless she kept all of this a complete secret until after the two of you traded your wedding vows you have no room to complain, in general. You were right about the detour on your trip. I'd have been chapped about that, too... but I would probably have cut my losses long before that and never have married her in the first place.

[KissArmy]

Originally Posted by LadyLuck

I have never been in your position but I am going to take a wild guess and assume that you were aware of all of this before you said "I do". If so, have a Coke and a smile deal with it. Unless she kept all of this a complete secret until after the two of you traded your wedding vows you have no room to complain, in general. You were right about the detour on your trip. I'd have been chapped about that, too... but I would probably have cut my losses long before that and never have married her in the first place.

There is a trade off, Yes. I knew she still loved her ex fiance's family when we were dating, and that's fine. And that they worship her. But no husband/boyfriend should be expected to subsidize that lovefest. No, I didn't sign up for that. Cards, letters, yeah that's fine, but don't go behind my back and send a $100+ international floral delivery to the sainted mother.

Just found out about that yesterday. I asked my wife about it just now, she snapped back at me again, and another frosty day in our house has begun. On the bright side, she did say maybe it's time she started looking for a job.

(I thought about keeping silent, but God gave us balls and we're supposed to use them every now and then. And now back to your regularly scheduled porn...) http://www.imagebam.com/image/93b472662031293