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Old 09-09-2017, 08:44 AM   #13011
The_Swammi
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While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
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Old 09-10-2017, 06:01 AM   #13012
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Q: What do a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team have in common?
A: The tribe of pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts.
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Old 09-10-2017, 01:19 PM   #13013
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I recenty had to name my first born.
Since I want him to grow up to a dreamer and a achiver.

So I named Cunt Hunter Funkel
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Old 09-10-2017, 05:11 PM   #13014
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Q: What does a hooker with the runs and an epileptic corn husker have in common?
A: The epileptic shucks between fits.

and now for something completely different:

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Old 09-10-2017, 07:57 PM   #13015
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I don't want to admit to my wife that I've started using Viagra. Not sure how long I can keep this up though.
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Old 09-10-2017, 10:16 PM   #13016
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"I decided to have a map of Italy tattooed on my chest. Bad decision really, I ended up with incredibly sore Naples"
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Old 09-10-2017, 11:09 PM   #13017
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My wife is a feminist
I learned that the hard way
Finding her in bed with Ellen Page
When I asked if I could join them.
she told me "no way"
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Old 09-10-2017, 11:44 PM   #13018
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If you ever go out with a schoolteacher,
You're in for a sensational night;
She'll make you do it over and over again
Until you do it right.
- Nipsey Rusell
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Old 09-11-2017, 10:17 AM   #13019
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Quote:
Originally Posted by captain fanta View Post
"I decided to have a map of Italy tattooed on my chest. Bad decision really, I ended up with incredibly sore Naples"
I bet getting a boot on your chest hurt as well!

Last edited by gedly; 09-11-2017 at 05:43 PM.. Reason: Rephrase
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Old 09-11-2017, 11:57 PM   #13020
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Struggling to make ends meet on a minister's salary, the pastor was angry when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!" he asked.

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation? I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
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