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Old 11-04-2017, 11:17 PM   #1251
Nobody1
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A man dies and goes straight to hell. As he looks around, he notes to his astonishment that it looks more like he is on vacation. Wonderful weather, a cloudless sky, the sun shines at a pleasant 30 degrees celsius to ingratiating music. Everywhere huge swimming pools with busty bikini beauties and many beach bars with a lush buffets. The devil personally comes to welcome him with a tray full of cool long drinks, and wishes him with a friendly smile a pleasant stay. Curious, the man continues to look around and notices a wall with a hole in it. As he peers through the hole he sees fire and smoke. Hundreds of grisly devils torture countless people incessantly in the most cruel way. Startled by the terrible sight, he asks the devil about the meaning of all this.

Oh that! says the devil. Those are the Bible-thumpers. They want it this way.
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Old 11-05-2017, 03:30 AM   #1252
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Man out hunting one day, aimed his rifle squarely at the head of a large Grizzly Bear, who looked to fall to the ground the second the bullet whizzed towards his head.... Man walks into the clearing where the bear had fallen only to see no sign of the bear.... Feels a tap on his shoulder, turns to see this large Grizzly bear looking down at him with an angry look on its face.. "You've got a choice, pal; either I take these big old claws of mine & tear you to pieces before ripping your head off with my teeth; or you drop your trousers & bend over so I can have some fun...!" The man felt obliged to comply.

A few days later, after much ointment had finally eased the soreness of his rear end, the man returned to the forest where he'd seen that Grizzly, intent on setting the record straight & gaining revenge on the rough old bear. Spotting him again the hunter had taken careful aim, then sent his bullet whistling towards the bear's head once more; punching the air as again the big bear had fallen to the floor in a heap..... But again, on reaching the clearing there was no sign on the beast... Another tap on the shoulder & angry face of the bear soon having him dropping his trousers to assume the same position once more.

A week later; now incensed at the humiliation he'd suffered at the hands of this wily old Grizzly, the man had purchased the most powerful rifle he could afford, then set off to find the beast for revenge.... An hour later, and as the bear taps him on the shoulder for the third time in a row, he says to the hunter... "I'm beginning to think you're not out here for the hunting, fella!"
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Old 11-07-2017, 12:22 PM   #1253
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Bloke takes a girl home after date... She says: "You can come in if you want to but you'll have to be very quiet. My parents are asleep upstairs "

They're just getting down to business on the sofa when he pulls away.

"I need the toilet"
"You can't use the toilet - you'll wake my parents. You'll have to go in the kitchen sink"

Two minutes alter a voice through the door...

"Got any paper?"

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Old 11-08-2017, 12:12 AM   #1254
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A man goes into a bar, sees a pretty woman, and buys her a drink. They chat and hit it off very well. After awhile the man says, "I would like to have sex with you, but must warn you that I am really kinky."

The woman is now intrigued and replies, "That's OK, I'm kinky, too."

The man says, "No, you don't understand. I'm really kinky."

This excites the woman even more and she invites him over to her place. After closing the door, she coos, "Let me get into something more comfortable."

After a little time she emerges from the bedroom fully decked out in her black corset, fishnets, spiked collar, thigh high leather boots, with whip in hand and announces, "I'm ready."

Whereupon, the man looks at her and says, "Too late! I have already screwed your dog and shit in your purse."
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Old 11-09-2017, 03:21 PM   #1255
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Applying sunblock is no guarantee against harmful rays ,

Just ask Steve Irwin.

What's the difference between a dead deer and a dead Muslim on the road ? ,

There are skid marks in front of the deer where the car tried to break.

Do you know why the new pound coin has twelve sides ? ,

So with the help of a spanner it can be extracted from a Jew`s grip.


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Old 11-11-2017, 09:47 PM   #1256
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaxJoker View Post
Applying sunblock is no guarantee against harmful rays ,

Just ask Steve Irwin.

What's the difference between a dead deer and a dead Muslim on the road ? ,

There are skid marks in front of the deer where the car tried to break.

Do you know why the new pound coin has twelve sides ? ,

So with the help of a spanner it can be extracted from a Jew`s grip.


My Pakistani-Muslim co-worker says you're a sick bastard....

But he added.... "What do you call a one legged Sikh trying to stand up straight?" ..... "Balan Singh"
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Old 11-13-2017, 01:56 PM   #1257
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Q. How is Donald Trump like a pregnancy?

A. Nine months and he's ready to DROP! (i.e. on North Korea...)
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Old 11-13-2017, 08:18 PM   #1258
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Q. What's the difference between a Jew's harp and a Jew's organ?

A. The Jew's organ can be circumcised.

-----

Q. Did you hear about the spade who had sex in a tool shed?

A. He got wit all dem hoes...
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Old 11-13-2017, 08:22 PM   #1259
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The Emperor of China was looking for a new master swordsman, better than any other.

He held an audience with a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The Japanese samurai cut a fly in half with one stroke, killing it instantly.

The Chinese samurai cut another fly in half with one stroke, killing it instantly also.

The Jewish samurai made six strokes, and did not kill the fly; it was still buzzing around.

Then the Emperor asked the Jew: "Why did you not kill the fly?"

The Jew responded: "The purpose of circumcision is not to kill..."
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Old 11-13-2017, 08:23 PM   #1260
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Q. How do you tell a Christian from a Jew on a golf course?

A. The Christian says "FORE", and the Jew says "$3.99"...
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