Dear Forum Diary .......... - Page 3

**IngramJohn** · March 22nd, 2012, 03:43 PM

Dear Diary (22/03/2012),

On this day I officially became an old 'twat' who has completely lost his marbles!

When phoning a customer at work I must remember not to sit there waiting for a ringtone when instead of pressing the keys on the phone ... I pressed them on the fookin COMPUTER!!!

Any help (or medication) would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you. I.J.

**NIN** · March 27th, 2012, 07:23 PM

Monday 26th March 2012

Dear Diary,
Where the hell have you been all week? OK so we didn't part on the best of terms, but I've had one shocking week - and you expect me to catch-up by remembering what happened each day
OK here goes ..
...and after all those weirdly bizarre occurrences, that's when it just started getting quiet..,
so I went to bed

Tuesday 27th March 2012

Dear Diary,
In a strange twist of fate, I found the cats' diary today

so you see, the 'stakes' couldn't be higher

stranger than all that, she has been secretly reading the dogs' diary!

Estreeter · March 30th, 2012, 12:46 PM

03-30-2012

Dear Forum Diary

This morning whilst shaving, the shaver stopped vibrating, so I finished my shave off the old fashioned way, with a razor. When I finished I threw the electric one in the trash and thought it was just another useless modern convenience. The electric toothbrush soon followed the shaver into the trash and upon walking out of the bathroom I noticed the dunny roll holder and wondered how long it will be before there is an automatic dunny roll dispenser or automatic butt wiper installed into dunnies......more useless crap.

All this just adds to the Greenhouse effect and climate change and all we're doing is ruining the planet for our children and our childrens children.

Not anymore, not me, I wont be responsible for that.

So, I went and joined Greenpeace.......in an instant I was a member, was told to go down to the beach and save a whale, so I did. But not only did I save a whale, I saved 14, all before lunch. What a feeling I had, was overwhelmed with emotion. I then trudged home in my new hybrid car Greenpeace gave me.

When I got home, I decided to write about 10 emails to members of parliament about my views and objections to any ideas of our country getting involved in nuclear power and also a call for the closure of all coal fired power generating stations.

What an angel I am

**Greenman** · March 30th, 2012, 04:03 PM

Dear Diarylode
Sat in easy armchairy, writing diarylode with special formulator for bringing wordies to the pagelode. Oh how horrendously timely wasting it was, thinking I could do a rainy dancer to make it rain on the plantloders and grassy lawn and not a lot of deep joy with no thundermold or hailystoners in sightly. We need the rainlode to fally downer in Londony Towner if only to test the outstandifold wettigripper of the tyrelode on the street but at present it is still sunshiney and brightlode in the whitely sky - weather is sometimes so mind-boggingly horrendifold in Greatly Britain and when we want the rainy cloudloders we don't get them - ah well Diarylode, time to falolop into bedlode - deep joy.! (Apologies to lately Stanley Unwin-my inspiratormold)

**NIN** · April 7th, 2012, 08:00 PM

Wednesday 4th April

Dear Diary,

What the hell are you doing back at my place ? ..on my table again, expecting to hear my days goings on ...

Look, i don't like you

and you don't like me

but we must reach an understanding

I met the most amazing girl today, and I just have to tell someone

Oh jeez, she is calling me into the bedroom...,

I'll tell you more tomorrow.

Thursday 5th April

Dear Diary,
So I get-up, put on a pot of coffee for us both and turn on the shower… Turning the hot water all the way, so that it steams up the whole room. I then pulled her up from the bed into the bathroom and close the door behind us keeping the steam inside. I take of my boxer shorts and helped her out of her knix & i kicked our underclothes over by the door to keep the cold air out and the hot air in.
The tiled wall now has condensation on it and I wore only my best devilish grin and pulled her toward me, warming her-up with my body, letting my hands roam all over her body. My fingers gliding down her spine all the way down to the small of the back, pulling her hips into mine & pushing my now hard cock against her flesh. I then turned her around pressing my lips against the back of her neck, giving little kisses and licks as I make my way down her back. Dropping down onto my knees as I massage my way up her legs, getting both of us all wet and ready.
She parted her legs a little so that I could give a nice looooong slooow lick starting at her deliscious clit and working my way back, tasting her juices and savoring every drop i get.
"God You taste so fucking good, and I want you so fucking bad", i groaned to her. So I pushed her right up against the cold tile and pin your hands above your head. pushing your breast against the cold tiles sending shivers up and down her body while I stroke her back with my wet hands. With one hand pinning her wrists above her, I slid my cock into her tight, wet, hungry pussy with my other hand making sure I slide it into her inch by inch. Filling my beautiful feminine love satisfying her desire and then slowly start moving my hips back and forth.
Short slow strokes, progressively getting faster, but still short strokes.. and then transition into long slow strokes, almost pulling myself all the way out of the warm wet pussy and then plunging myself deep into her incessantly. I whispered into her ear to keep your fucking hands against he wall as i slide my hand into your hair while grabbing handfuls of hair, not pulling, but holding firmly, and my other hand that has been holding us up on the wall is now cold and I bring my fingers against her clit, gently circling, prodding, and rubbing as I pull back on her long hair and slamming my cock into her wet folds desperately wanting her to cum on my cock.
I heard her cry out, which just makes me want to fuck her harder and faster. She called my name, and I know that she is getting close because her body is tensing up. So I pull on her hair a bit harder and bring my other hand away from your clit , grabbing her beautiful rounded bum and spanking her arse, pushing her right over the edge.
I feel her pussy twitching, orgasming around my cock, pushing me over the edge causing me to shoot my cum deep into her.
Passionately, I took control of the pace slowing my rhythm and then, just as it was getting really exciting ...

I reached the bottom of the page - sorry

....

Friday 6th April

Dear Diary,
Catching the train across the river to Town, I'm confused at how buses get the bad reputation that they have.

People always claim that buses don't come .., then three come together,
but look at this train - nothing for 7 minutes and now 3 carriages all together at the same time.

What'sallthatabout?

Over at the pub, shifty Seamus has a deal for me, he is always trying to sell 'knock-off' stuff

this time he swears it's a great deal and he goes on to tell me that he has a load of sheds.., -hush, hush- fell off the back of a lorry

"What !?" I asked,
"A shed-load of garden sheds that were shed from a transporter ? "
"Bargain!", he exclaimed,
.. What he actually has is a big stack of firewood.

good luck selling that lot Seamus.

**TCO95** · April 11th, 2012, 01:26 AM

Dear Diary :

The new job started this week. I now spend my days monitoring the internet. National security being what it is these days you knew it had to happen. So I spend my days reading mostly fluff but occasionally someone posts something worth reading. I tracked one message up down and all around the net only to find out it came from Larry over in "Trolling". They laughed at me all morning. I'll get him back next week when it's my turn to post crap on the forums.

**Greenman** · April 11th, 2012, 04:45 PM

Dear Diary I was left two pints this morning and one small cream, oh wait sorry that should be DAIRY!

MaxJoker · April 13th, 2012, 04:16 PM

Dear diary 13/04/2012

Maybe i shouldn`t write this down as it may be used in evidence against me ? , only. Today i got drunk and sexually assaulted myself. I said to stop but i didn`t listen. I thought i was asking for it as i was wearing that transparent potato sack which looks so fine around my coquettish big boned frame. Damn tempter. What was i thinking ?. Became putty in my own hands. Why i touched myself there ignoring the tears and screams i`m not sure. I suppose there`s something perverted about me. Now it`s over i can barely look myself in the eyes. I know i should turn myself in before i call the pigs and turn myself in. What to do what to do ?. Maybe the judge will be lenient with me if i confess ?. I know i`ll fake a polish accent and pretend i`m new to the country. Yeah , that`s what i`ll do it can`t fail. Plus i can abuse myself again as soon as the case is rightly dismissed and i get a compensation cheque.

Estreeter · April 14th, 2012, 03:38 PM

04-14-2012, Dear Diary,

Today I wanted to slash my wrists. I didn't though, seems my razor was blunt, so I thought I'd use the chainsaw instead but had no two stroke fuel.....then I went to hang myself instead only when I did the tree branch broke and I fell to the ground breaking my ankle, which when I look at it now is the opposite to slashing a wrist..........that made me laugh, cheered me up enough not wanna top myself

Think I'll celebrate my non departure with a pizza

MaxJoker · April 14th, 2012, 03:45 PM

Dear diary 14/04/2012

I am much too drunk to write what happened today. Must have been good though as i`m laying down across the other side of the room watching my own liver pack a suitcase.

March 22nd, 2012, 03:43 PM	#21
IngramJohn Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Hiding behind a Tree in Robin Hood Country. Posts: 890 Thanks: 16,450 Thanked 7,880 Times in 886 Posts	Dear Diary (22/03/2012), On this day I officially became an old 'twat' who has completely lost his marbles! When phoning a customer at work I must remember not to sit there waiting for a ringtone when instead of pressing the keys on the phone ... I pressed them on the fookin COMPUTER!!! Any help (or medication) would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. I.J. __________________ Welcome; Bienvenido; Velkommen; Welkom; Bienvenue; Willkommen; Benvenuti; Welcome ... to the "FOOTBALL" (Soccer) Thread To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. *<<<< Please click!* To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

March 27th, 2012, 07:23 PM	#22
NIN Banned Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 8,823 Thanks: 200,569 Thanked 131,967 Times in 9,045 Posts	Monday 26th March 2012 Dear Diary, Where the hell have you been all week? OK so we didn't part on the best of terms, but I've had one shocking week - and you expect me to catch-up by remembering what happened each day OK here goes .. ...and after all those weirdly bizarre occurrences, that's when it just started getting quiet.., so I went to bed Tuesday 27th March 2012 Dear Diary, In a strange twist of fate, I found the cats' diary today so you see, the 'stakes' couldn't be higher stranger than all that, she has been secretly reading the dogs' diary!

March 30th, 2012, 12:46 PM	#23
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,189 Thanks: 450,173 Thanked 897,602 Times in 60,391 Posts	03-30-2012 Dear Forum Diary This morning whilst shaving, the shaver stopped vibrating, so I finished my shave off the old fashioned way, with a razor. When I finished I threw the electric one in the trash and thought it was just another useless modern convenience. The electric toothbrush soon followed the shaver into the trash and upon walking out of the bathroom I noticed the dunny roll holder and wondered how long it will be before there is an automatic dunny roll dispenser or automatic butt wiper installed into dunnies......more useless crap. All this just adds to the Greenhouse effect and climate change and all we're doing is ruining the planet for our children and our childrens children. Not anymore, not me, I wont be responsible for that. So, I went and joined Greenpeace.......in an instant I was a member, was told to go down to the beach and save a whale, so I did. But not only did I save a whale, I saved 14, all before lunch. What a feeling I had, was overwhelmed with emotion. I then trudged home in my new hybrid car Greenpeace gave me. When I got home, I decided to write about 10 emails to members of parliament about my views and objections to any ideas of our country getting involved in nuclear power and also a call for the closure of all coal fired power generating stations. What an angel I am __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

March 30th, 2012, 04:03 PM	#24
Greenman Live Legend of VEF Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Underground lair somewhere in the world Posts: 20,353 Thanks: 30,936 Thanked 383,588 Times in 19,356 Posts	Dear Diarylode Sat in easy armchairy, writing diarylode with special formulator for bringing wordies to the pagelode. Oh how horrendously timely wasting it was, thinking I could do a rainy dancer to make it rain on the plantloders and grassy lawn and not a lot of deep joy with no thundermold or hailystoners in sightly. We need the rainlode to fally downer in Londony Towner if only to test the outstandifold wettigripper of the tyrelode on the street but at present it is still sunshiney and brightlode in the whitely sky - weather is sometimes so mind-boggingly horrendifold in Greatly Britain and when we want the rainy cloudloders we don't get them - ah well Diarylode, time to falolop into bedlode - deep joy.! (Apologies to lately Stanley Unwin-my inspiratormold) __________________ There was only ONE Greenman, and you accepted no substitutes! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Rest in peace MaxJoker-you will be sorely missed. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 20,000: Milestone reached!

April 7th, 2012, 08:00 PM	#25
NIN Banned Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 8,823 Thanks: 200,569 Thanked 131,967 Times in 9,045 Posts	WTF is goin' on in my head - i dunno you started it - I didn't, you wanted to know about my day - Ha! now you're talking to yourself - look I told you that you'd be trouble Diary, get out! Wednesday 4th April Dear Diary, What the hell are you doing back at my place ? ..on my table again, expecting to hear my days goings on ... Look, i don't like you and you don't like me but we must reach an understanding I met the most amazing girl today, and I just have to tell someone Oh jeez, she is calling me into the bedroom..., I'll tell you more tomorrow. Thursday 5th April Dear Diary, So I get-up, put on a pot of coffee for us both and turn on the shower… Turning the hot water all the way, so that it steams up the whole room. I then pulled her up from the bed into the bathroom and close the door behind us keeping the steam inside. I take of my boxer shorts and helped her out of her knix & i kicked our underclothes over by the door to keep the cold air out and the hot air in. The tiled wall now has condensation on it and I wore only my best devilish grin and pulled her toward me, warming her-up with my body, letting my hands roam all over her body. My fingers gliding down her spine all the way down to the small of the back, pulling her hips into mine & pushing my now hard cock against her flesh. I then turned her around pressing my lips against the back of her neck, giving little kisses and licks as I make my way down her back. Dropping down onto my knees as I massage my way up her legs, getting both of us all wet and ready. She parted her legs a little so that I could give a nice looooong slooow lick starting at her deliscious clit and working my way back, tasting her juices and savoring every drop i get. "God You taste so fucking good, and I want you so fucking bad", i groaned to her. So I pushed her right up against the cold tile and pin your hands above your head. pushing your breast against the cold tiles sending shivers up and down her body while I stroke her back with my wet hands. With one hand pinning her wrists above her, I slid my cock into her tight, wet, hungry pussy with my other hand making sure I slide it into her inch by inch. Filling my beautiful feminine love satisfying her desire and then slowly start moving my hips back and forth. Short slow strokes, progressively getting faster, but still short strokes.. and then transition into long slow strokes, almost pulling myself all the way out of the warm wet pussy and then plunging myself deep into her incessantly. I whispered into her ear to keep your fucking hands against he wall as i slide my hand into your hair while grabbing handfuls of hair, not pulling, but holding firmly, and my other hand that has been holding us up on the wall is now cold and I bring my fingers against her clit, gently circling, prodding, and rubbing as I pull back on her long hair and slamming my cock into her wet folds desperately wanting her to cum on my cock. I heard her cry out, which just makes me want to fuck her harder and faster. She called my name, and I know that she is getting close because her body is tensing up. So I pull on her hair a bit harder and bring my other hand away from your clit , grabbing her beautiful rounded bum and spanking her arse, pushing her right over the edge. I feel her pussy twitching, orgasming around my cock, pushing me over the edge causing me to shoot my cum deep into her. Passionately, I took control of the pace slowing my rhythm and then, just as it was getting really exciting ... I reached the bottom of the page - sorry .... Friday 6th April Dear Diary, Catching the train across the river to Town, I'm confused at how buses get the bad reputation that they have. People always claim that buses don't come .., then three come together, but look at this train - nothing for 7 minutes and now 3 carriages all together at the same time. What'sallthatabout? Over at the pub, shifty Seamus has a deal for me, he is always trying to sell 'knock-off' stuff this time he swears it's a great deal and he goes on to tell me that he has a load of sheds.., -hush, hush- fell off the back of a lorry "What !?" I asked, "A shed-load of garden sheds that were shed from a transporter ? " "Bargain!", he exclaimed, .. What he actually has is a big stack of firewood. good luck selling that lot Seamus. Last edited by NIN; April 7th, 2012 at 10:18 PM.. Reason: added pic ;)

April 11th, 2012, 01:26 AM	#26
TCO95 Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: This member is not allowed in your country. Posts: 5,176 Thanks: 47,615 Thanked 64,810 Times in 5,130 Posts	Dear Diary : The new job started this week. I now spend my days monitoring the internet. National security being what it is these days you knew it had to happen. So I spend my days reading mostly fluff but occasionally someone posts something worth reading. I tracked one message up down and all around the net only to find out it came from Larry over in "Trolling". They laughed at me all morning. I'll get him back next week when it's my turn to post crap on the forums.

April 11th, 2012, 04:45 PM	#27
Greenman Live Legend of VEF Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Underground lair somewhere in the world Posts: 20,353 Thanks: 30,936 Thanked 383,588 Times in 19,356 Posts	Dear Diary I was left two pints this morning and one small cream, oh wait sorry that should be DAIRY! __________________ There was only ONE Greenman, and you accepted no substitutes! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Rest in peace MaxJoker-you will be sorely missed. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 20,000: Milestone reached!

April 13th, 2012, 04:16 PM	#28
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,902 Times in 69,067 Posts	Dear diary 13/04/2012 Maybe i shouldn`t write this down as it may be used in evidence against me ? , only. Today i got drunk and sexually assaulted myself. I said to stop but i didn`t listen. I thought i was asking for it as i was wearing that transparent potato sack which looks so fine around my coquettish big boned frame. Damn tempter. What was i thinking ?. Became putty in my own hands. Why i touched myself there ignoring the tears and screams i`m not sure. I suppose there`s something perverted about me. Now it`s over i can barely look myself in the eyes. I know i should turn myself in before i call the pigs and turn myself in. What to do what to do ?. Maybe the judge will be lenient with me if i confess ?. I know i`ll fake a polish accent and pretend i`m new to the country. Yeah , that`s what i`ll do it can`t fail. Plus i can abuse myself again as soon as the case is rightly dismissed and i get a compensation cheque. __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

April 14th, 2012, 03:38 PM	#29
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,189 Thanks: 450,173 Thanked 897,602 Times in 60,391 Posts	04-14-2012, Dear Diary, Today I wanted to slash my wrists. I didn't though, seems my razor was blunt, so I thought I'd use the chainsaw instead but had no two stroke fuel.....then I went to hang myself instead only when I did the tree branch broke and I fell to the ground breaking my ankle, which when I look at it now is the opposite to slashing a wrist..........that made me laugh, cheered me up enough not wanna top myself Think I'll celebrate my non departure with a pizza __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

April 14th, 2012, 03:45 PM	#30
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,902 Times in 69,067 Posts	Dear diary 14/04/2012 I am much too drunk to write what happened today. Must have been good though as i`m laying down across the other side of the room watching my own liver pack a suitcase. __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.