Dear Forum Diary ..........

[MaxJoker]

Or Dairy if you prefer , as some of you might be currently involved with a right cow

So what is this thread about !

Hey don`t ask me i only started it

Guess it`s something to do with



20/03/2012

Dear diary ,

" Managed to steal some cheese from my local Tesco`s today due to a cunning distraction , i faked a heart attack of a fellow customer. By kicking them repeatedly in the balls until they passed out . Although given it was a woman it took a few more kicks than might have been necessary if i`d chosen a man.. Yet why would i as i`m not that way inclined ?. The cheese tasted very cheesy , doubly so since it was double Gloucester plus free. I also waited around until the ambulance arrived . Which enabled me to eat three bags of crisps. Went home once they pronounced her dead at the scene because of sustained shock. On the way back i punched somebody who reminded me of a former school friend. But that then caused a bit of a hassle as their mother righted the pram then accused me of uncalled for violence. Ran home laughing . My doctor rang later on that afternoon, got out of it by answering in a Scotch voice and saying i`d changed addresses. I wonder if that will buy me some time ?. If so it`ll be the only thing i`ve actually bought so far this week "



Ok then that`s what`s this thread is about

So please feel free to write any fictional events that happened to you today in this diary thread.

Mind you what i wrote was true.

Although as you and my probation officers know , i`m honest to a fault

[Greenman]

Stole cheese? You're not Hevva from Eastenders in disguised are ya?

Today I noticed the Space Shuttle had landed in the back garden and out of it stepped Glenn Miller, who stood there in his resplendent battle shorts and played Moonlight Serenade at 7am in the morning. Greta Garbo appeared and kept pestering me for a cigarette, "I don't smoke woman, leave me alone!" Shergar trotted out of the shuttle and ate a carrot and asked me how Kauto Star was getting on. Lord Lucan appeared asked for the way to the beach, apparently looking for his nanny-I pointed that way and off he went with a wave of his moustache, closely followed by Buddy Holly, who mumbled something about Pegs and the Sioux. The shuttle then took off leaving me with a horse and Glenn Miller, but suddenly POOF!! they disappeared and I woke up - man, what a weird dream that was!

[Mal Hombre]

Oh My..Where to start ? Well for a start I had a email from the Vatican asking Me to be Pope (again) That new guy is just not fitting in.But You know Me I look just dreadful in white and that hat is just tooo tacky,So I made polite excuses,you know I'm an atheist,I don't enjoy the company of celibate men yada yada...So What else ? Oh Apparently I'm in the running for a peerage..Yes I know, can You imagine ? Me Lord Portsmouth,has ring to it don't You think ? Still Musn't jinx it..Must fly Byee...

[taffy2]

Dear Diary,

Today was just an ordinary day. I woke up at at 6AM. Went for a walk which turned into a sprint, ran 26 miles in an hour and wasn't even out of breath. Took a speed shower at 7AM, was dry and dressed by 7:02AM. My wife shouts "breakfast" at 07:03AM, I go to the kitchen and see Kylie Minogue dressed as a nun. Kylie smiles at me and says "You can have as much as you want" and disrobes and winks at me. My wife giggles. No sexual thoughts run through my head. I tell Kylie to get dressed and have some respect for herself. I kiss my wife and tell her I love her and that I will see her later.

I walk down the road and see a gang of 12 men beating an old man. I dissolve the fight using nothing but cold stares and duct tape. Three men who are watching declare me a hero and take me to the local pub as they want to buy me a drink. An hour later I fall on the floor, drunk as a skunk, I light up a cigarette and I'm sober again.

I see Jimmy White playing snooker in the corner, telling tales of how he could have been World Champion. I challenge him to a game. He breaks off and I knock a 147 in 45 seconds, potting the last black off 5 cushions. Jimmy gets really upset so I correct his cue action so he can do it too. Jimmy hits five 147's on the trot and gives up drinking.

I give my excuses and leave.

I start to walk home and am approached by a religious person carrying leaflets. "Do you believe in God?" she asks. "no", I tell her. "You must believe in God, he created the world" "Then who created God?" I ask her. She looks confused "But...But...." she mutters. "Go home, do your hair put some make up on and start living" I tell her. She tears up the leaflets and thanks me.

As I go back home I bump into the old man who was beaten up earlier. The 12 men are still tied to his fence with duct tape and the old man is beating them with his stick. The old man turns to me "They beat me because I'm a Christian" he says. I take the stick off him and say "Then Forgive them".

I return to my house, Kylie is leaving, I kiss her on the head and wish her well. I get my car keys and drive to work. Now my days starts.....

[NIN]

1st January

Dear Diary,

aah, what a year that was eh? all those events, the celebrity dinners and all those anecdotes what great times
Oh hang-on that was the door bell, back in a tick .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................ fu<kin' comin round here on New Years Day the cheeky F.. Bloody Watchtower Magazine What the hell are Jehovahs' doing out on the loose on this sacred day of rest and recuperation ?
I swear, Diary, next time they doorstep me.., I'm tellin' them I'm in one of those new fandagled religions.., Kabadi or , what's that John Cruise into..?
Scientoffee ! though you have to watch your teeth chewin' that. They don't go messing around, building churches to feel superior about themselves & harassing people when they are hung-over.
I had one call last year from a fringe group who follow the Rev. Wan Loon.
Have you ever heard of them Diary?
Thought not
Neither had I , they were following him, giving them all their monies & calling themselves 'Loonies' - voluntarily!
They told me if I were to become a Loonie, they would give me a new name, something like " Blessed Star who wanders amongst mortals" or some such crap. So if your name is Roy or Janet, you've nothing to loose have you?
I told them i had become quite attached to my name anyway & didn't fancy changing all my contacting the people who print the Phone Book and whatnot But he was having non of it - and insisted I was perfect Loonie material
I tell ya, he could have talked the glass eye off of a donkey - and he would have done had I not fallen asleep and lent on the door.
Thank God for front doors eh!
So I came indoors and decided I should make myself a tapestry motto for the New Year
Something more original than 'Home Sweaty Home' or 'Mein Haus, wo ich zu house bin
Es fuhit sich sicher mit mir darin. Das erste Mal, als ich heimkam, O wie sanft es mich in die Arme nahm'
everybody has that don't they

2nd January

Dear Diary,

another day, another blank page to fill
I can't help but think this is a very one-sided relasionship. I keep telling you all my goings on and what do you give me?
Silence.., nothing but blank staring - I really think it's best if we go our separate ways

Stop staring at me all expectant and that

I tell you everything & what do I get in return?
more demands for more details this is like a sour relationship this is...

"tell me what you're thinking about?"
No!
you decide what we are going to do, I'm sick of bein' the spontaneous one

Get out.., Get Out !

don't ever darken my door-stop ever again and if you see those Jahovahs you'd better not tell 'em what i said about them

Good Ridance to bad rubbish is what I say,


He didn't half go on that Diary bloke didn't he Mr packet of Custard Cremes?

"Yes Nin, he was a real pain in the arse mate"

Thank you for your support & understanding Mr packet of Custard Cremes, I can see we are going to get on really well. Come to the kitchen and I'll put the kettle on...

[Greenman]

Dear Diary-additional. Went off to Hartlepool to buy some exploding trousers-darn stores had run out so settled for some fighting ones instead-knocked out for an hour and when I came to they had run off with a pair of women's slacks-wife not happy.

[billybunter]

Dear diary, I woke this morning jumped out of bed and punched the sky I was so happy. I was singing as the kettle boiled...

[TCO95]

Dear Diary :

Today started like any other day, cause a flood, crash a plane, a little heavy weather and a side order of famine. But it just doesn't seem to satisfy me anymore. I need something more, I need a challenge. To that end I've decided to unleash the Apocalypse.

I've thought this through and it seems the only viable option. I tried to appoint a new Pope but he turned me down flat, some excuse about not enjoying the company of celibate old men. He's a forum moderator, how much more celibate can you get! I tried the next on my list and he called me Jehovah's Witness and stole the glass eye from my donkey. The Irish only care for greasy food and whistling kettles. Another man thought I was Kylie Minogue and told me to get dressed and leave. What a world. That's why it must end. It will start in a cheese shop, a man not born of woman shall vent his frustration on an unwitting pickle salesman and before you know it Beelzebub's your uncle.

[tygrkhat40]

Dear Diary,

It was horrible. The devastation was total, there was nothing I could do. It started so quickly. All of a sudden, the flames were there and before I could blink, they climbed higher and higher, consuming all in a conflagration that seared my soul.

All I could do was put another marshmallow on my fork.

[Estreeter]

03-21-2012 , Dear Diary

Today I was woken at 6:15 by 7 virgins tounging my balls ever so gently.
At 6:16 am I asked them to stop as it was distracting me from enjoying the recallection of the dream I had only minutes earlier of myself saving a cat from a tree.

At 6:30 I needed to fart, so embarrassingly I went to the toilet, closed the door and let it out silently and even managed to not laugh at it. Even used the pine scented air fresher.

At 7am I gently woke everybody to an ever increasing sound of native birds singing and chirping, a recording I had made only days earlier.

7:15am, I told everybody to get back into bed and I'll serve them their breakfasts there. So off to the kitchen I went. Breakfast would consist of All Bran and raisin cereal, no added sugar with soya bean milk along with a selection of fruits, watermelon, oranges, canteloupe, mixed berries and banana. When I served it, all said YEEAAAYYYYY

At 8am, I very quickly showered and shaved. In the bedroom now and while putting on my semi casual wear for the day I was horrified listening to the news on the radio at the events that happened in the world overnight.....we need to be more politically correct was my thought.

At 8:30, I went to the garage and into my eco friendly Toyota Prius, and off to my psychopathagist I went.......I thought I needed my head read for even thinking of typing what I just did