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Old April 6th, 2017, 04:23 PM   #12111
ruffroundedges
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-Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.

-What is the astronaut's favorite place on the computer?
The space bar.

-What exam do young witches have to pass?
The spell-ing test.

-Who made King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumferance.

-What was the most popular dance in1776?
The Indepen-dance.

-There's a new band called 1023megabytes.
They haven't had any gigs yet.
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Old April 6th, 2017, 05:40 PM   #12112
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruffroundedges View Post
-Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
I hope it can work them out.
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Old April 6th, 2017, 08:55 PM   #12113
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I was out on the front stoop when a man came by walking the dog. It made me sadly nostalgic. I never was any good with yo-yos.
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Old April 6th, 2017, 08:59 PM   #12114
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-Bob to Joe, "What the heck, Joe, I’ve just heard your dog meowing. How come?!"
Ah yeah, that’s OK! He is just learning a second language."

-Why is it a bad idea to play poker with a jungle cat?
Chances are it is a cheetah.

-Two cats are sitting in front of bird’s cage and observe a newly arrived green canary.
One cat says to the other, “It really is a strange color for a bird. Maybe he’s not ripe yet.”
- What did the cat say when she was told the canary is off limits? You’ve gotta be kitten me.

-Have you heard about the cat who climbed the Himalayas?
She was a renowned sher-paw.
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Old April 7th, 2017, 03:56 AM   #12115
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruffroundedges View Post
-There's a new band called 1023megabytes.
They haven't had any gigs yet.
Oh, now.
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Old April 7th, 2017, 11:26 AM   #12116
effCup
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruffroundedges View Post
-Why is it a bad idea to play poker with a jungle cat?
Chances are it is a cheetah.
I'd play. Cheetahs don't live in jungles, only savannahs.
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Old April 9th, 2017, 09:35 AM   #12117
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Last night I was in a bar when me and a friend got in an argument with some tough looking guys, my mate quickly whispered to me "Let's pretend we're the police".. Long story short, they kicked the shit out of us before we even got through the first verse of "Roxanne".
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Old April 9th, 2017, 11:14 AM   #12118
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So the World's Greatest Bowler (for clarity, sport of hurling a ball down a lane knocking over ten pins, not a type of hat) dies and meets St. Peter at The Pearly Gates. "Ah! wonderful to see you! You're just in time to join our bowling league team!"

Somewhat in shock at his recent transition from Life to Afterlife, he begins making small talk. "Really? I never knew there'd be bowling in Heaven."

"There certainly is! Now if you'll come with me we'll get you fitted with our team shirt and a new pair of bowling shoes and then fi--"

"Weird thing, the way I di-di-died. I was at a charity exhibition. People pledged money for every pin I knocked down in three back-to-back games. It was pretty incredible. I was never in better form in my life! I had a perfect first game going until the final ball."

"Yes," the saint said reaching for the new arrival's elbow. "Now if you'll just come along--"

"Last ball, one more strike and I'd have a perfect game. The pins just scattered like nothing I'd ever seen, except the six pin. It didn't fall. It just wobbled, around and around, like it wanted to fall but then at the last second it just straightened up dead still. The crowd all groaned and I was really torn up about it, too, because all the money was going to the orphanage I grew up in. It didn't seem fair!"

"Yes, that is a shame, but we're in a bit of a rush, so if you don't mind coming this wa--"

"Then the second game I was back on top. It felt great. Strikes all the way until the final ball, and again that da-a, uh, dang six pin started to wobble round and round like it wanted to fall until at the last second it just straightened up." He let out a long breath. "Man! Another perfect game ruined! I was really pis-- I mean peeved."

"I'm so sorry for you, but as I said before, we're in a terrible rush, so if you wouldn't mind com--"

"Then the third game, and again I was on track for a three hundred until that very last ball, and that fuc-- um, foolish six pin got me *again*. It toppled and spun and bounced and wobbled round and round like it was drunk when all of a sudden it stood up straight and refused to fall. It was like a marionette or something. I hate to say it," he added looking down at his feet, "but I gotta confess I lost my temper and cussed. A lot. On live television. In front of orphans and nuns and my parish priest even. I got really angry, and I saw red, and my head hurt, and then the last thing I remember is the floor coming up to hit me in the face."

"Stroke. You had a stroke. You died nearly instantly. But that isn't important now. If you'd just--"

He shook his head. "Weird thing my ending up in Heaven with a curse on my lips like that. Maybe all my good works balanced it out, huh?"

St. Peter sighed. "Not really, no. Look. Since we're confessing, it's like this. We really need you on our team right away, so I pulled a few strings to get you up here."
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Old April 9th, 2017, 01:43 PM   #12119
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What do you call a cow that has had an abortion?
Decalfinated.






Did you hear about the new radio station WPMS?
It has a monthly programming cycle that is three weeks of the blues followed by one week of ragtime.
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Old April 9th, 2017, 02:07 PM   #12120
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I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.
She started walking faster, so I walked faster.
She started running, so I started running.
She started screaming, so I started screaming.
I never did find out what we were running away from.
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