Post your corny jokes - Page 229

**rustler** · September 29th, 2011, 11:27 AM

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunk man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel........

He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," says the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" says the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. But please, would you mind telling me why you don't like room 502?" asks the clerk. "Well, for one thing," says the drunk, "it's on fire."

Brettro · September 29th, 2011, 02:08 PM

Q. Why do elephants have big ears?

A. Cause Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

**Jeff Vader** · September 29th, 2011, 05:23 PM

My gf dump me because she said I used oxymorons too much.

At first, I was clearly confused.

But now I think it's seriously funny because she was pretty ugly anyway.

**Mal Hombre** · September 29th, 2011, 05:36 PM

My GF is a woman of few words,When She says cock,She's said a mouthful...

**Jeff Vader** · September 29th, 2011, 06:32 PM

My mate asked me did I ever have magic mushrooms,
I said no but I've had a cucumber that can do card tricks.

Hot Solar · September 29th, 2011, 06:47 PM

Guy comes homes to find his wife has put 2 bricks under the back edge of the new washing machine.
Asking her why she’s done this, she replies “well it said wash clothes at 30 degrees”

**sweatyhat** · September 29th, 2011, 07:02 PM

Someone just posted the Chav Bible though my door.
My mistake, it's the Arg0s catalogue.

Being an ugly girl is a lot like being a man.
You are going to have to work.

At my local fuel station they have 3 checkouts, unless it's really busy then they only use 1!!

I hate my left arm being much less muscular than my other arm. It makes me look a right wanker.

Jeremy Kyle's guests all seem to share the same mentality, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth....
Would probably explain why they look that way.

**Jeff Vader** · September 29th, 2011, 07:22 PM

The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.

**sweatyhat** · September 30th, 2011, 05:20 AM

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' complaints during the season.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad'"

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

They walk amongst us and they vote!!!
Be afraid! Be very afraid!

**Jeff Vader** · September 30th, 2011, 05:46 AM

Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew, and the remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer

Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit.

Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing. Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.

Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs. Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

Mouse in cockpit. Cat installed.

Target radar hums. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably] Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.

Pilot's clock inoperative. Wound clock.

Aircraft handles funny. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Pilot removed from aircraft.

Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Took hammer away from midget.

Suspected crack in windshield. Suspect you are right.

IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.

Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.

No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on back order.

Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed.

Three roaches in cabin. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud.
DME volume set to more believable level.

No2 propeller seeping prop fluid. No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. That's what they are for.

September 29th, 2011, 11:27 AM	#2281
rustler Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: South of the North Pole Posts: 4,977 Thanks: 47,583 Thanked 84,563 Times in 4,955 Posts	After a heavy night at the pub, a drunk man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel........ He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," says the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" says the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. But please, would you mind telling me why you don't like room 502?" asks the clerk. "Well, for one thing," says the drunk, "it's on fire." __________________ "I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience." - Shelley Winters Please read and follow To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

September 29th, 2011, 05:36 PM	#2284
Mal Hombre El Super Moderador Join Date: May 2009 Location: Adoptive Monkey Hanger Posts: 58,187 Thanks: 773,298 Thanked 856,454 Times in 57,618 Posts	My GF is a woman of few words,When She says cock,She's said a mouthful... __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. If in doubt, Just ask Yourself What Would Max Do ? It is a porn site,But its a Classy porn site. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

September 29th, 2011, 07:02 PM	#2287
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,960 Times in 10,563 Posts	Someone just posted the Chav Bible though my door. My mistake, it's the Arg0s catalogue. Being an ugly girl is a lot like being a man. You are going to have to work. At my local fuel station they have 3 checkouts, unless it's really busy then they only use 1!! I hate my left arm being much less muscular than my other arm. It makes me look a right wanker. Jeremy Kyle's guests all seem to share the same mentality, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.... Would probably explain why they look that way. __________________

September 30th, 2011, 05:20 AM	#2289
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,960 Times in 10,563 Posts	Emailed to my by a relative From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' complaints during the season. 1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned 3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels." 5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate". 6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room. 7. "The beach was too sandy." 8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white." 9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time. 10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women." 11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake." 12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled." 13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..." 14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..." 15. "The roads were uneven.." 16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home." 17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller." 18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?" 19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad'" 20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning." 21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite." 23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid! __________________

September 29th, 2011, 02:08 PM	#2282
Brettro Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 52 Thanks: 4,347 Thanked 553 Times in 50 Posts	Q. Why do elephants have big ears? A. Cause Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

September 29th, 2011, 05:23 PM	#2283
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,031 Times in 6,511 Posts	My gf dump me because she said I used oxymorons too much. At first, I was clearly confused. But now I think it's seriously funny because she was pretty ugly anyway.

September 29th, 2011, 06:32 PM	#2285
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,031 Times in 6,511 Posts	My mate asked me did I ever have magic mushrooms, I said no but I've had a cucumber that can do card tricks.

September 29th, 2011, 06:47 PM	#2286
Hot Solar Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 99 Thanks: 241 Thanked 1,422 Times in 97 Posts	Guy comes homes to find his wife has put 2 bricks under the back edge of the new washing machine. Asking her why she’s done this, she replies “well it said wash clothes at 30 degrees”

September 29th, 2011, 07:22 PM	#2288
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,031 Times in 6,511 Posts	The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.

September 30th, 2011, 05:46 AM	#2290
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,031 Times in 6,511 Posts	Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew, and the remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit. Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing. Almost replaced left-inside main tyre. Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs. Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs. Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar. Mouse in cockpit. Cat installed. Target radar hums. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably] Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search. Pilot's clock inoperative. Wound clock. Aircraft handles funny. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious. Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Pilot removed from aircraft. Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Took hammer away from midget. Suspected crack in windshield. Suspect you are right. IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode. Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft. No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle. Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn! Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on back order. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent. Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed. Three roaches in cabin. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away. DME volume set unbelievably loud. DME volume set to more believable level. No2 propeller seeping prop fluid. No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. That's what they are for.