Post your corny jokes - Page 819

**retroanalyst** · July 3rd, 2014, 08:50 PM

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It's true.

After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again.

**tamsmith** · July 4th, 2014, 04:46 AM

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."

**tamsmith** · July 4th, 2014, 04:48 AM

A pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a lot TV, asks, just to make conversation. "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well, said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

**retroanalyst** · July 4th, 2014, 07:08 PM

One way or another I'm going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

**Mal Hombre** · July 4th, 2014, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by retroanalyst

One way or another I'm going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

I called the help line but They just kept Me hanging on the telephone....

**SanteeFats** · July 5th, 2014, 03:22 PM

I just heard they want too add a second vice president here in the US. He will oversee all alcohol, tobacco, gambling, and when legalized weed

**SanteeFats** · July 5th, 2014, 03:25 PM

In the US at least it seems most men do the outdoor cooking. When asked why that was so the largest number of answers were: There are no smoke detectors outside.

**seany65** · July 6th, 2014, 02:30 AM

I don't think this one's here:

Man:

"Miss, I'm glad your circus has come to town as I wanted to find out if I could train to be a contortionist."

Woman:

"It depends. How flexible are you?"

Man:

"Well, I can't do Tuesdays."

**effCup** · July 6th, 2014, 03:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

and when legalized weed

But wouldn't that make it a presidential responsibility? No vice once it's legal.
... novice?, hmmm.

**tygrkhat40** · July 6th, 2014, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

In the US at least it seems most men do the outdoor cooking. When asked why that was so the largest number of answers were: There are no smoke detectors outside.

Most men only know how to find the fridge in the kitchen. Yet you give them raw meat, a stick and open flame and all of a sudden, they're Wolfgang F***in' Puck.

July 3rd, 2014, 08:50 PM	#8181
retroanalyst in memoriam Max Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Germany Posts: 3,586 Thanks: 122,101 Thanked 47,469 Times in 3,337 Posts	I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again. __________________ Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

July 4th, 2014, 07:08 PM	#8184
retroanalyst in memoriam Max Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Germany Posts: 3,586 Thanks: 122,101 Thanked 47,469 Times in 3,337 Posts	One way or another I'm going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics. __________________ Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

July 5th, 2014, 03:22 PM	#8186
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,954 Thanks: 282,181 Thanked 815,803 Times in 60,999 Posts	I just heard they want too add a second vice president here in the US. He will oversee all alcohol, tobacco, gambling, and when legalized weed Last edited by SanteeFats; July 6th, 2014 at 02:31 AM.. Reason: apelling

July 6th, 2014, 02:30 AM	#8188
seany65 Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 3,667 Thanks: 80,611 Thanked 32,822 Times in 3,542 Posts	I don't think this one's here: Man: "Miss, I'm glad your circus has come to town as I wanted to find out if I could train to be a contortionist." Woman: "It depends. How flexible are you?" Man: "Well, I can't do Tuesdays." __________________ <-- That's Emer Kenny and I want to be stuck in her front bottom. Quote from electrofreak : I'd rather have questions that can't be answered, than answers that can't be questioned.

July 4th, 2014, 04:46 AM	#8182
tamsmith Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Coming close to the Slippery Slope. Posts: 7,800 Thanks: 77,915 Thanked 280,434 Times in 9,078 Posts	Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --' She said, "Don't forget your hat."

July 4th, 2014, 04:48 AM	#8183
tamsmith Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Coming close to the Slippery Slope. Posts: 7,800 Thanks: 77,915 Thanked 280,434 Times in 9,078 Posts	A pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a lot TV, asks, just to make conversation. "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well, said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

July 5th, 2014, 03:25 PM	#8187
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,954 Thanks: 282,181 Thanked 815,803 Times in 60,999 Posts	In the US at least it seems most men do the outdoor cooking. When asked why that was so the largest number of answers were: There are no smoke detectors outside.