Post your corny jokes - Page 1003

**mrfixit** · August 26th, 2015, 11:31 PM

I just heard on the news that they have uncovered a new pyramid in Egypt. Inside they found a grave with a mummy inside. The mummy is covered in what looks like chocolate and crushed hazelnuts, wrapped up in very shiny gold foil. Egyptologists think they have found the remains of Pharoah Roche

**photoflex** · August 28th, 2015, 02:50 AM

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had neither lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune…

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

**SanteeFats** · August 28th, 2015, 02:16 PM

Q. What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A. A tearjerker.

Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

**SanteeFats** · August 28th, 2015, 03:59 PM

So, I was walking through a local mall and came upon a "Mexican Book
Store."
Never having seen one before, I went in.
As I was wandering around, a clerk asked if he could help me find
something.
I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book about his proposed
immigration policy regarding Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Fuck you, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

akabob · August 28th, 2015, 09:34 PM

Look, in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an unrealistic comic book character?

Oh; it's a bird.

**SanteeFats** · August 29th, 2015, 02:15 PM

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

**gedly** · August 29th, 2015, 06:17 PM

I took one of those pills that makes a man think like a woman. I was in a right strop down the pub. One of my mates was wearing the same T shirt as me.

**electile disfunction** · August 30th, 2015, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by akabob

Look, in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an unrealistic comic book character?

Oh; it's a bird.

An amazing phenomenon--why do people get excited at birds, planes, and things that look like birds or planes?

e.d.

**mrfixit** · August 30th, 2015, 01:31 AM

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

**SanteeFats** · August 30th, 2015, 01:40 PM

High School

Graduation in Detroit
Darqueeze played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Darqueeze could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said: "Darqueeze, if you can answer this one question correctly I'll give you your diploma."
"Darqueeze, how much is three times seven?"
Darqueeze looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, pondering the question.
The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him
anyway!"
Then Darqueez held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and then all the other students began to chant:
"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

August 26th, 2015, 11:31 PM	#10021
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,736 Thanked 114,776 Times in 9,415 Posts	I just heard on the news that they have uncovered a new pyramid in Egypt. Inside they found a grave with a mummy inside. The mummy is covered in what looks like chocolate and crushed hazelnuts, wrapped up in very shiny gold foil. Egyptologists think they have found the remains of Pharoah Roche __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

August 28th, 2015, 02:50 AM	#10022
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,919 Thanked 127,758 Times in 3,570 Posts	A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had neither lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

August 30th, 2015, 01:31 AM	#10029
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,736 Thanked 114,776 Times in 9,415 Posts	An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

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August 28th, 2015, 02:16 PM	#10023
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,791 Thanks: 281,748 Thanked 813,385 Times in 60,835 Posts	Q. What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates? A. A tearjerker. Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common? A. A wet nose. Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A. Gagged

August 28th, 2015, 03:59 PM	#10024
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,791 Thanks: 281,748 Thanked 813,385 Times in 60,835 Posts	So, I was walking through a local mall and came upon a "Mexican Book Store." Never having seen one before, I went in. As I was wandering around, a clerk asked if he could help me find something. I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book about his proposed immigration policy regarding Mexicans?" The clerk said, "Fuck you, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

August 28th, 2015, 09:34 PM	#10025
akabob Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 7 Thanks: 5 Thanked 34 Times in 4 Posts	Look, in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an unrealistic comic book character? Oh; it's a bird.

August 29th, 2015, 02:15 PM	#10026
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,791 Thanks: 281,748 Thanked 813,385 Times in 60,835 Posts	Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A. A cherry float. Q. What’s the difference between men and government bonds? A. Bonds mature.

August 29th, 2015, 06:17 PM	#10027
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,233 Thanks: 19,872 Thanked 69,278 Times in 3,170 Posts	I took one of those pills that makes a man think like a woman. I was in a right strop down the pub. One of my mates was wearing the same T shirt as me.

August 30th, 2015, 01:40 PM	#10030
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,791 Thanks: 281,748 Thanked 813,385 Times in 60,835 Posts	High School Graduation in Detroit Darqueeze played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Darqueeze could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma. The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said: "Darqueeze, if you can answer this one question correctly I'll give you your diploma." "Darqueeze, how much is three times seven?" Darqueeze looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" Then Darqueez held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one." A hush fell over the auditorium and then all the other students began to chant: "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"