Twisted sick jokes that`ll send us ALL to hell. - Page 44

**bp666** · July 21st, 2014, 11:38 AM

What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?

They don't fucking listen!

**rustler** · July 21st, 2014, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fireburning

Given it's Nelson Mandela's birthday,

On a theme....

Who was the last person to climb Nelson's Column......?

Winnie Mandela!

**rustler** · July 22nd, 2014, 08:45 PM

Little Johnny, aged 7, is at home with his mum and dad as they prepare to have his dad's new boss and his wife round for dinner.
Dad, who is eager to impress his new boss, is in the bathroom shaving when little Johnny walks by. As he see's Johnny in the mirror he slips and cuts himself.

'Ow, shit!' he exclaims.

'Daddy, what does shit mean?' little Johnny innocently asks.

'Ermmmmm', says the dad thinking quickly, 'it means to shave', he answers.

Satisfied, little Johnny goes down to the kitchen where he sees his mum cutting up the turkey. As his mum spots little Johnny, she slips with the knife and cuts her finger.

'Ow fuck!', she cries, quickly sucking on her finger.

'Mummy, what does fuck mean?', little Johnny quietly enquires.

'Ahmmmm, well it means to cut darling', she quickly replies.

Just at that point the doorbell rings and little Johnny goes off to answer the door.....

'Ah, you must be Johnny.', his dads boss says, 'Where's mummy and daddy?', he asks.

'Well, dads in the bathroom having a shit, and mum's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!'

**spartaneric** · July 25th, 2014, 07:14 PM

A priest was driving along one day and he saw a young boy sitting by the road crying. The priest stopped and walked over to the little boy. "What's the matter?" The priest asked. The little boy replied "My mother, my father, brother and sister went over the cliff in the car and went boom." The priest looked over the edge and saw the mangled bodies and the car wreck. The priest looked away and his face softened, then looked down at the boy and unzipped his fly and said, "This just isn't your day."

credit o.p.

**Jonno71** · July 25th, 2014, 09:52 PM

“What the fuck you doing here? Last time I saw you I told you, didn’t I? Never cross me again you mother fucker”

“Fuck you asshole. Who the fuck you think you are you mother cock sucking cunt. You think you own this fucking place? You are fucking wrong. You’re a cunt, the biggest twat around here. I know it. You know it. I told you last week I will bring you down you fucking son of a bitch”

“Fuck you asshole. You don’t walk into my fucking establishment, my town and think you can fucking call the shots. I’m the fucking cockney geezer around here, not you, you mother fucking cunt. Now, you and your fucking family, your families friends, their friends and anyone who fucking knows you will be slaughtered, trodden down and fucking driven out of fucking London. You low life scum fucking son of a bitch. I own this fucking place not you. Now FUCK OFF YOU CUNT!”

…. And that’s why my job as the new scriptwriter of EASTENEDSERS did not last long after they said it was too hard hitting and real-life

**Jonno71** · July 25th, 2014, 09:53 PM

My wife gives great head… reason why she’s won the 2014 Pub Pint Puller of the Year Award

**rustler** · July 26th, 2014, 05:28 PM

On hearing that her 99 year old grandfather had died, Susan went round to her 98yr old grans house.

She asked her gran how he died.
"Well, he had a heart attack during our Sunday morning sex", said granny.
Susan was somewhat aghast to hear of her grandparents risking their lives making love at that age.
"Oh, we did it to the church bells", said granny, "Nice and slow. In on the ding, and out on the dong."

Granny paused to wipe away a little tear.....

"He'd still be alive if that fcuking ice cream van hadn't came round!".

Mullin · July 30th, 2014, 08:59 PM

Why do you always invite O.J. Simpson to Thanksgiving dinner?

Because he can sure cut up that white meat...

Pakalolobudz · July 30th, 2014, 11:21 PM

Because when you're ready to cum, you squeeze it's little neck and it's feet will paddle your balls.

**Doodlebugged** · August 1st, 2014, 12:28 AM

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.

A friend of mine was wearing one, when the woman’s husband shot him!

July 22nd, 2014, 08:45 PM	#433
rustler Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: South of the North Pole Posts: 4,977 Thanks: 47,583 Thanked 84,601 Times in 4,955 Posts	Little Johnny Little Johnny, aged 7, is at home with his mum and dad as they prepare to have his dad's new boss and his wife round for dinner. Dad, who is eager to impress his new boss, is in the bathroom shaving when little Johnny walks by. As he see's Johnny in the mirror he slips and cuts himself. 'Ow, shit!' he exclaims. 'Daddy, what does shit mean?' little Johnny innocently asks. 'Ermmmmm', says the dad thinking quickly, 'it means to shave', he answers. Satisfied, little Johnny goes down to the kitchen where he sees his mum cutting up the turkey. As his mum spots little Johnny, she slips with the knife and cuts her finger. 'Ow fuck!', she cries, quickly sucking on her finger. 'Mummy, what does fuck mean?', little Johnny quietly enquires. 'Ahmmmm, well it means to cut darling', she quickly replies. Just at that point the doorbell rings and little Johnny goes off to answer the door..... 'Ah, you must be Johnny.', his dads boss says, 'Where's mummy and daddy?', he asks. 'Well, dads in the bathroom having a shit, and mum's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!' __________________ "I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience." - Shelley Winters Please read and follow To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

July 25th, 2014, 07:14 PM	#434
spartaneric Invictus! Join Date: Feb 2014 Location: Everywhere you look Posts: 8,449 Thanks: 116,778 Thanked 125,965 Times in 8,385 Posts	A priest was driving along one day and he saw a young boy sitting by the road crying. The priest stopped and walked over to the little boy. "What's the matter?" The priest asked. The little boy replied "My mother, my father, brother and sister went over the cliff in the car and went boom." The priest looked over the edge and saw the mangled bodies and the car wreck. The priest looked away and his face softened, then looked down at the boy and unzipped his fly and said, "This just isn't your day." credit o.p. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

July 26th, 2014, 05:28 PM	#437
rustler Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: South of the North Pole Posts: 4,977 Thanks: 47,583 Thanked 84,601 Times in 4,955 Posts	On hearing that her 99 year old grandfather had died, Susan went round to her 98yr old grans house. She asked her gran how he died. "Well, he had a heart attack during our Sunday morning sex", said granny. Susan was somewhat aghast to hear of her grandparents risking their lives making love at that age. "Oh, we did it to the church bells", said granny, "Nice and slow. In on the ding, and out on the dong." Granny paused to wipe away a little tear..... "He'd still be alive if that fcuking ice cream van hadn't came round!". __________________ "I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience." - Shelley Winters Please read and follow To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

July 30th, 2014, 11:21 PM	#439
Pakalolobudz Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Hawaii Posts: 207 Thanks: 9,228 Thanked 3,106 Times in 197 Posts	Why is fucking a duck better than fucking a chicken? Because when you're ready to cum, you squeeze it's little neck and it's feet will paddle your balls.

August 1st, 2014, 12:28 AM	#440
Doodlebugged Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: London Posts: 869 Thanks: 13,464 Thanked 14,608 Times in 820 Posts	Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one, when the woman’s husband shot him! __________________ Keeping the British end up. One stroke at a time. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

July 21st, 2014, 11:38 AM	#431
bp666 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,080 Thanks: 78,125 Thanked 14,408 Times in 1,081 Posts	What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common? They don't fucking listen!

July 25th, 2014, 09:52 PM	#435
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,977 Times in 1,503 Posts	“What the fuck you doing here? Last time I saw you I told you, didn’t I? Never cross me again you mother fucker” “Fuck you asshole. Who the fuck you think you are you mother cock sucking cunt. You think you own this fucking place? You are fucking wrong. You’re a cunt, the biggest twat around here. I know it. You know it. I told you last week I will bring you down you fucking son of a bitch” “Fuck you asshole. You don’t walk into my fucking establishment, my town and think you can fucking call the shots. I’m the fucking cockney geezer around here, not you, you mother fucking cunt. Now, you and your fucking family, your families friends, their friends and anyone who fucking knows you will be slaughtered, trodden down and fucking driven out of fucking London. You low life scum fucking son of a bitch. I own this fucking place not you. Now FUCK OFF YOU CUNT!” …. And that’s why my job as the new scriptwriter of EASTENEDSERS did not last long after they said it was too hard hitting and real-life

July 25th, 2014, 09:53 PM	#436
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,977 Times in 1,503 Posts	My wife gives great head… reason why she’s won the 2014 Pub Pint Puller of the Year Award

July 30th, 2014, 08:59 PM	#438
Mullin Senior Member Join Date: May 2014 Posts: 104 Thanks: 46,938 Thanked 906 Times in 77 Posts	Why do you always invite O.J. Simpson to Thanksgiving dinner? Because he can sure cut up that white meat...