Lewd Limericks

[Ogri]

The harems of Egypt are fine to behold;
The harlots the fairest of fair,
But the fairest of all,
Was owned by a sheik
named Abdul Abulbul Amir.

A traveling brothel
Came down from the north,
'Twas run privately for the Czar,
Who wagered no one could out shag
Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

A day was arranged for the spectacle great,
A holiday proclaimed by the Czar,
And the streets were all lined
With the harlots assigned
to Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

Old Abdul came in with a snatch by his side,
His eye bore a leer of desire,
And he started to brag
How he would out shag
Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

All hairs were shorn and no frenchies were worn,
And this suited Abdul by far,
And he's quite set his mind
On a fast action grind to beat
Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

They met on the track with prick at the slack,
A starter's gun punctured the air,
They were both quick to rise,
The crowd gaped at the size
of Abdul Abulbul Amir.

They worked all the night in the pale yellow light,
Old Abdul he revved like a car,
But he couldn't compete
With the slow steady beat
of Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

So Ivan he won and he shouldered his gun,
He bent down to polish the pair,
When something red hot
Up his back passage shot:
'Twas Abdul Abulbul Amir.

The harlots turned green,
The crowd shouted "Queen,"
They were ordered apart by the Czar,
'Twas bloody bad luck for Abdul was stuck
up Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

The cream of the joke came when they broke,
'Twas laughed at for years by the Czar,
For Abdul the fool
Left half his tool
up Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

[sweatyhat]

[MaxJoker]

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard.
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over.
Rover went into rampant clover.
Then the crone got a bone of her own.

[sleepalldaylon]

A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

[thunderfly]

There was an old man from Newcastle
who opened a brown paper parcel
in it was shit
and on it was writ
a present from somebody's arsehole

[thunderfly]

There was an old man from Nantucket
who tripped and fell over a bucket
he fractured his arm
and twisted his palm
then shouted out Bollocks! and Fuck it!

[rockernut]

There was an old fellow named Paul,
whose prick was exceedingly small,
when in bed with a lay,
he could screw her all day,
without touching her vaginal wall.

[rockernut]

I once knew a lass from Tacoma,
whose twat had a wondrous aroma,
when the lads took a whiff,
about half would get stiff,
the rest would fall into a coma.

[MaxJoker]

There was an old woman from Nantucket
Who`s pussy was as wide a broken bucket
All the men who wine , dined and dated her
Ended up hating her
Especially when she disinterestedly said
"If you want something tighter , find the Mississippi river and fuck it "

[IronHerder]

Probably breaking the rules because this limerick is not lewd, although it's about sex.
This might be the only limerick ever with "platonic", "ensconced", and "inexcusably".

Dear wife, she has sold off our bed,
Platonic ensconced in its stead.
"caress me no more,
lovemaking's a chore"
Her vows inexcusably dead.

-- IronHerder, ca. 2008