And In Other News Today - Page 18

Bill derBerg · June 30th, 2016, 10:37 PM

After decades of convincing the world they are endangered and collecting millions in benefits it seems gorillas aren't endangered at all. National Geographic Explorer has discovered a 'Gorilla Paradise' in northern Congo. The group, estimnated to number 125,000, includes an as yet unkown species of gorilla that lives in the swamp. No word on how they spent the millions they received but researchers found a large black obelisk in the swamp and an elaborate computer network named Hal in the main building.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/n...las-congo.html

**trailmaster** · July 2nd, 2016, 10:38 PM

And In Other News Today: It was a stormy night somewhere in the South Pacific and the salvage ship Bellerophon which was looking for buried treasure was tossed around and around for days. Finally they shipwrecked on a strange island. At daybreak the crew looked around and lo and behold it is Bunga Bunga island that great unknown island created by the mysterious Ninjaturtle. This island which is not found on any maps is used to hide or re-arrange the faces of famous personalities who no longer want to continue with their paparazzi life styles. The crew of the salvage ship was given an ultimatum. Either join us on the island or you will have to be killed. They decided to stay, because the island itself is a paradise, better than any other island so often used by tourists. It is almost like living in Shangri la

Bill derBerg · July 2nd, 2016, 11:27 PM

Carleton cigarettes are being sued.
It seems their ad campaign "Carlton is lowest!" has ruffled some feathers.
Anders Behring Breivik retorted "I'm lower than some damn cigarette and my lawyers are going to prove it."

**trailmaster** · July 3rd, 2016, 09:52 PM

And In Other News Today the VEF Chronicle says that their roving reporter trailmaster is working on a great new story to be titled "The Consequences of Voracious Appetites of an Aussie and a Brit" Stay tuned brave readers. This story will be a blockbuster!!

**philll_77** · July 4th, 2016, 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trailmaster

"The Consequences of Voracious Appetites of an Aussie and a Brit" Stay tuned brave readers. This story will be a blockbuster!!

Sounds more like a "Dunny-blocker"

**trailmaster** · July 8th, 2016, 01:56 AM

And In Other News Today the VEF Chronicle reports that their roving reporter trailmaster has finished his epic story entitled: Consequences of Voracious Appetites of an Aussie and a Brit. See it Friday morning. Note. The story will be told in the form of a narrative, which means that there will be no quotation marks

**trailmaster** · July 8th, 2016, 01:33 PM

The Consequences of Voracious Appetites by an Aussie and a Brit as reported by the VEF Chronicle reporter trailmaster for the publication: And In Other News Today

Our story begins in the modest home of Mr and Mrs E somewhere in Melbourne, Australia. After a night's repose Mrs E says, Hank, you tossed and turned all night. What is wrong? Hank says, I dunno, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, and when I got up to pee in the middle of the night I almost fell to the floor, because I noticed that my legs looked swollen. Mrs E says, Hank, what did you eat for dinner last night. Hank says, you know the usual, a 26 inch pizza with all the toppings and a box of my favorite Krispy Kreme donuts. Mrs E says, Hank what are you eating that stuff and not the food I make for you. Hank says, remember every weekend these two trucks come up to our house. One delivers 10 big 26 inch pizzas and the other delivers a box each of all the varieties of Krispy Kreme donuts is a special freeze dried pack. Remember one of my friends sent me this as a lifetime supply for free. Mrs E says Hank you are not going to work today. Call your doctor and make an appointment. Hank says, no way I have to go to work. Mrs E says, if you don't call your doctor you can forget about having any sex with me and especially no blow-jobs, you're favorite for the next week. Hank says ok.

Meanwhile in another house somewhere in England MJ and his girlfriend are also just waking up. The woman says, What happened last night. You tried to make love but your cock would not get hard. Max says I don't know. I tried everything, but it just wouldn't get up. The woman says , Did you have something strange for dinner last night. Max says. I had what I always have, a big 3 pound sausage sandwich and five bottles of beer. The woman says, no wonder. Why are you eating that junk? Max says. You know, one of my friends sends me two trucks every weekend which delivers 100 bottles of beer and 10 6 foot long rolls each of different kinds of sausage, salami, and bologna. The woman says. You don't have to eat that. Why can't you eat what I make for you. Max says I must have sausage. I live for sausage, bacon, all that great stuff and beer, beer, beer. The woman says, Max you are not going into work today. You are going to our doctor. Max says. I have to work. The woman says, No you don't . Call in sick, because if you don't you can sleep on the couch for the next week, or maybe forever until you see the doctor. Max grudgingly agrees.

Later in the morning in Melbourne, Hank is waiting in his doctor's office. He was given extensive blood tests, an MRI, a CAT scan, an EKG, and Electro Physiology tests for his swollen legs and arms. The doctor comes in with a shocked look on his face. He says, Mr E what have you been doing to yourself? Your cholesterol is over 750 which is 5 times normal. Your blood pressure is through the roof, and when the nurse took your blood she was startled because you blood is as thick as molasses. Hank with a strange look on his face has been muttering to himself: pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza I must have pizza, I must have Krispy Kreme. The doctor says; Mr E what do you eat at home? Hank says, pizza and Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The doctor looking appalled says Krispy Kreme!! that junk from America. It's all fat, sugar and artificial chemicals, and pizza is for occasional imbibing only, not for every meal. I am going to put you on a special diet consisting of dried Muesli. You can eat as much of this as you want. You can make a pig of yourself on this. Hank says, What,
I cannot eat that crap. I tried that once . It is horrible. The doctor says. You will eat it, and you will like it. Do you want to wake up dead. Hank says, what do you mean. The doctor says if you continue to eat what you are eating one morning your wife will wake up and you will be cold, stone dead!!. His doctor says you will stay on this diet for the next two months, and then come back to see me. And no pizza or donuts, do you hear. None of that stuff!!

Back in England Max waiting in the doctor office is fuming. What is taking so long? They gave me more tests than I have ever seen. The doctor then comes in with this shocked look on his face. He says, I have never in my entire practice seen results like this. Max asks, what are you talking about? The doctor says Mr MJ what do you eat? Max says. Sausage, bacon, salami, bologna, and beer. The doctor says. Only that? Max says yes. The doctor says Mr MJ your weight is triple the normal. You have fat jowls hanging from your face. Your blood is a greenish-red color because so much fat is in your body that your liver trying to metabolize it is producing so much bile it is leaking into your blood stream. If you continue to eat this stuff your liver and probably your heart too will explode!! I am going to put you on a special two month diet of Muesli. You can have as much as you want, and then come in to see me. You will not have any more sausage of any kind and no more beer. Do you hear me!! Max says. Muesli! I have seen that stuff. It is like that crap Americans eat called Grits. The doctor says, it is not grits it is a mixture of ground up oats, wheat and other grains. It is high in protein and fiber, but no carbohydrate and absolutely no fat. You will eat this and you will like it and then come back to see me in two months. Max leaves the doctor's office with a dejected and sad look on his face. All he can think of is sausage, sausage, sausage and beer, beer, beer!!.

Later that evening Hank is having his Muesli at home at the dinner table. Yuuch. This stuff is horrible. Hank's wife says. It is good for you. Eat it up. You will finish it. When Hank goes to work the next day he has to bring with him a portion of Muesli in his lunch box. As he is driving to work he passes his favorite pizza restaurant. All of a sudden he almost has a traffic accident, because he suddenly had this vision of eating a big 26 inch pizza and a giant box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Hank craves for pizza and donuts, but he knows that if he does not eat the Muesli his wife won't give him sex, which is just as important, no, more important than pizza. D..n I have to eat this s..t for two months.

In England MJ is thinking the same thing. No sausage, no beer for two months!
I don't know, I don't know, but my cock won't get up. I can't even jack off!!
I have to try to eat this!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two months pass by. Both Hank in Melbourne, Australia, and Mj in England feel much better. They both make appointments to see their respective doctors. After having the same extensive tests performed their doctors are happy. You look much better Mr E. Your blood results are back to normal. How do you feel? Hank says he feels great. It was an ordeal eating that nasty Muesli but I do feel better. Mj says a similar thing. That Muesli was giving him nightmares about having to eat this stuff forever, but he lost over 150 pounds and he has regained his buff look again. Both Hank and MJ decide to give away their weekly presents of pizza, sausages and beer to homeless shelters.

In Melbourne that night Mr and Mrs E have been fciking all night. Hank screams!! I want to stick it everywhere!! Mrs E is happy as a clam. She has her strong, handsome, healthy man again.

In England Mj and his woman are having wild bunny love. His cock is normal again. When it gets up it stays up for hours. Mj yells, I am whole again. I am the master of my castle, and you girlfriend are my sex slave!! She is ecstatic.
I have my healthy man again and the sex is better than ever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day Hank is on his lunch break from work. He is in his favorite pizza restaurant. He just ordered a huge 20 inch pizza with 10 toppings on it. After finishing it he goes into a supermarket and gets a big extra sized box of Krispy Kreme donuts variety box and eats all the donuts in less than 10 minutes.

In England MJ in his favorite pub. He has just ordered 8 bottles of beer and a 3 pound sausage sandwich.

The End
Informational source for some of this story from: Rumpole of the Bailey Season 6, Episode 5: The Quality of Life, and the documentary movie: Supersize Me!

**palo5** · July 9th, 2016, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trailmaster

Hank in Melbourne, Australia... he lost over 150 pounds

Is he really so fat he can lose 2.5 pounds per day for 2 months?

Does he go to work by truck, or does a crane take him?

Estreeter · July 12th, 2016, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by palo5

Does he go to work by truck, or does a crane take him?

Neither....... I have an army of peasants that carry me

**trailmaster** · July 17th, 2016, 12:49 PM

And In Other News Today, An unknown salvage ship which originally sailed from the island of Java is steaming along when one of the crew notices a small boat in the ocean. The ship slows down and stops so they can get a hold of the small boat. There is this very old and disheveled man in the boat. He is muttering to himself over and over saying " It's gone, "It's gone, "It's gone. The crew gets the old man into the galley of the ship and then has the doctor take him to sick bay so he can be examined. One of the crew looking at this very old man says "You know, there is something familiar about this guy." The doctor cleans the man up and asks the man for his story. The man says I just barely escaped.There was this unexpected sea quake and everything on the island started to topple. The buildings, all destroyed, the people all running in fright. Wait cried the doctor. What is this place you're talking about. The very old man blurted out. It's Bunga-Bunga island. I had been living there for decades ever since I faked my death and disappeared from America. The doctor says. What are you talking about. There's no island called Bunga-Bunga. Yes there is cried the very old man. It was a secret hideaway created by this man known only as Ninjaturtle, but now it's gone, swallowed up by the sea. It's all gone. My home is gone, gone, gone!! The very old man falls asleep. The next day the ship goes in search of this mythical island, but can find no trace of it. Finally after a few weeks and the very old man is much healthier, all the crew, even the captain see that they too seem to recognize their strange passenger. The captain says to his first officer. Take a picture of him and have the computer check all the databases. The results are astounding. One of the crew says I knew he appeared familiar. The very old man is none other than Jimmy Hoffa, the famous Labor Union boss who disappeared in 1975

July 8th, 2016, 01:33 PM	#177
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,909 Thanks: 1,329,179 Thanked 707,348 Times in 60,083 Posts	The Consequences of Voracious Appetites by an Aussie and a Brit as reported by the VEF Chronicle reporter trailmaster for the publication: And In Other News Today Our story begins in the modest home of Mr and Mrs E somewhere in Melbourne, Australia. After a night's repose Mrs E says, Hank, you tossed and turned all night. What is wrong? Hank says, I dunno, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, and when I got up to pee in the middle of the night I almost fell to the floor, because I noticed that my legs looked swollen. Mrs E says, Hank, what did you eat for dinner last night. Hank says, you know the usual, a 26 inch pizza with all the toppings and a box of my favorite Krispy Kreme donuts. Mrs E says, Hank what are you eating that stuff and not the food I make for you. Hank says, remember every weekend these two trucks come up to our house. One delivers 10 big 26 inch pizzas and the other delivers a box each of all the varieties of Krispy Kreme donuts is a special freeze dried pack. Remember one of my friends sent me this as a lifetime supply for free. Mrs E says Hank you are not going to work today. Call your doctor and make an appointment. Hank says, no way I have to go to work. Mrs E says, if you don't call your doctor you can forget about having any sex with me and especially no blow-jobs, you're favorite for the next week. Hank says ok. Meanwhile in another house somewhere in England MJ and his girlfriend are also just waking up. The woman says, What happened last night. You tried to make love but your cock would not get hard. Max says I don't know. I tried everything, but it just wouldn't get up. The woman says , Did you have something strange for dinner last night. Max says. I had what I always have, a big 3 pound sausage sandwich and five bottles of beer. The woman says, no wonder. Why are you eating that junk? Max says. You know, one of my friends sends me two trucks every weekend which delivers 100 bottles of beer and 10 6 foot long rolls each of different kinds of sausage, salami, and bologna. The woman says. You don't have to eat that. Why can't you eat what I make for you. Max says I must have sausage. I live for sausage, bacon, all that great stuff and beer, beer, beer. The woman says, Max you are not going into work today. You are going to our doctor. Max says. I have to work. The woman says, No you don't . Call in sick, because if you don't you can sleep on the couch for the next week, or maybe forever until you see the doctor. Max grudgingly agrees. Later in the morning in Melbourne, Hank is waiting in his doctor's office. He was given extensive blood tests, an MRI, a CAT scan, an EKG, and Electro Physiology tests for his swollen legs and arms. The doctor comes in with a shocked look on his face. He says, Mr E what have you been doing to yourself? Your cholesterol is over 750 which is 5 times normal. Your blood pressure is through the roof, and when the nurse took your blood she was startled because you blood is as thick as molasses. Hank with a strange look on his face has been muttering to himself: pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza I must have pizza, I must have Krispy Kreme. The doctor says; Mr E what do you eat at home? Hank says, pizza and Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The doctor looking appalled says Krispy Kreme!! that junk from America. It's all fat, sugar and artificial chemicals, and pizza is for occasional imbibing only, not for every meal. I am going to put you on a special diet consisting of dried Muesli. You can eat as much of this as you want. You can make a pig of yourself on this. Hank says, What, I cannot eat that crap. I tried that once . It is horrible. The doctor says. You will eat it, and you will like it. Do you want to wake up dead. Hank says, what do you mean. The doctor says if you continue to eat what you are eating one morning your wife will wake up and you will be cold, stone dead!!. His doctor says you will stay on this diet for the next two months, and then come back to see me. And no pizza or donuts, do you hear. None of that stuff!! Back in England Max waiting in the doctor office is fuming. What is taking so long? They gave me more tests than I have ever seen. The doctor then comes in with this shocked look on his face. He says, I have never in my entire practice seen results like this. Max asks, what are you talking about? The doctor says Mr MJ what do you eat? Max says. Sausage, bacon, salami, bologna, and beer. The doctor says. Only that? Max says yes. The doctor says Mr MJ your weight is triple the normal. You have fat jowls hanging from your face. Your blood is a greenish-red color because so much fat is in your body that your liver trying to metabolize it is producing so much bile it is leaking into your blood stream. If you continue to eat this stuff your liver and probably your heart too will explode!! I am going to put you on a special two month diet of Muesli. You can have as much as you want, and then come in to see me. You will not have any more sausage of any kind and no more beer. Do you hear me!! Max says. Muesli! I have seen that stuff. It is like that crap Americans eat called Grits. The doctor says, it is not grits it is a mixture of ground up oats, wheat and other grains. It is high in protein and fiber, but no carbohydrate and absolutely no fat. You will eat this and you will like it and then come back to see me in two months. Max leaves the doctor's office with a dejected and sad look on his face. All he can think of is sausage, sausage, sausage and beer, beer, beer!!. Later that evening Hank is having his Muesli at home at the dinner table. Yuuch. This stuff is horrible. Hank's wife says. It is good for you. Eat it up. You will finish it. When Hank goes to work the next day he has to bring with him a portion of Muesli in his lunch box. As he is driving to work he passes his favorite pizza restaurant. All of a sudden he almost has a traffic accident, because he suddenly had this vision of eating a big 26 inch pizza and a giant box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Hank craves for pizza and donuts, but he knows that if he does not eat the Muesli his wife won't give him sex, which is just as important, no, more important than pizza. D..n I have to eat this s..t for two months. In England MJ is thinking the same thing. No sausage, no beer for two months! I don't know, I don't know, but my cock won't get up. I can't even jack off!! I have to try to eat this! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two months pass by. Both Hank in Melbourne, Australia, and Mj in England feel much better. They both make appointments to see their respective doctors. After having the same extensive tests performed their doctors are happy. You look much better Mr E. Your blood results are back to normal. How do you feel? Hank says he feels great. It was an ordeal eating that nasty Muesli but I do feel better. Mj says a similar thing. That Muesli was giving him nightmares about having to eat this stuff forever, but he lost over 150 pounds and he has regained his buff look again. Both Hank and MJ decide to give away their weekly presents of pizza, sausages and beer to homeless shelters. In Melbourne that night Mr and Mrs E have been fciking all night. Hank screams!! I want to stick it everywhere!! Mrs E is happy as a clam. She has her strong, handsome, healthy man again. In England Mj and his woman are having wild bunny love. His cock is normal again. When it gets up it stays up for hours. Mj yells, I am whole again. I am the master of my castle, and you girlfriend are my sex slave!! She is ecstatic. I have my healthy man again and the sex is better than ever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The next day Hank is on his lunch break from work. He is in his favorite pizza restaurant. He just ordered a huge 20 inch pizza with 10 toppings on it. After finishing it he goes into a supermarket and gets a big extra sized box of Krispy Kreme donuts variety box and eats all the donuts in less than 10 minutes. In England MJ in his favorite pub. He has just ordered 8 bottles of beer and a 3 pound sausage sandwich. The End Informational source for some of this story from: Rumpole of the Bailey Season 6, Episode 5: The Quality of Life, and the documentary movie: Supersize Me! Last edited by trailmaster; July 8th, 2016 at 09:21 PM..

June 30th, 2016, 10:37 PM	#171
Bill derBerg Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2016 Location: My own little reality. Posts: 1,257 Thanks: 17,648 Thanked 18,327 Times in 1,256 Posts	After decades of convincing the world they are endangered and collecting millions in benefits it seems gorillas aren't endangered at all. National Geographic Explorer has discovered a 'Gorilla Paradise' in northern Congo. The group, estimnated to number 125,000, includes an as yet unkown species of gorilla that lives in the swamp. No word on how they spent the millions they received but researchers found a large black obelisk in the swamp and an elaborate computer network named Hal in the main building. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/n...las-congo.html

July 2nd, 2016, 10:38 PM	#172
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,909 Thanks: 1,329,179 Thanked 707,348 Times in 60,083 Posts	And In Other News Today: It was a stormy night somewhere in the South Pacific and the salvage ship Bellerophon which was looking for buried treasure was tossed around and around for days. Finally they shipwrecked on a strange island. At daybreak the crew looked around and lo and behold it is Bunga Bunga island that great unknown island created by the mysterious Ninjaturtle. This island which is not found on any maps is used to hide or re-arrange the faces of famous personalities who no longer want to continue with their paparazzi life styles. The crew of the salvage ship was given an ultimatum. Either join us on the island or you will have to be killed. They decided to stay, because the island itself is a paradise, better than any other island so often used by tourists. It is almost like living in Shangri la

July 2nd, 2016, 11:27 PM	#173
Bill derBerg Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2016 Location: My own little reality. Posts: 1,257 Thanks: 17,648 Thanked 18,327 Times in 1,256 Posts	Carleton cigarettes are being sued. It seems their ad campaign "Carlton is lowest!" has ruffled some feathers. Anders Behring Breivik retorted "I'm lower than some damn cigarette and my lawyers are going to prove it."

July 3rd, 2016, 09:52 PM	#174
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,909 Thanks: 1,329,179 Thanked 707,348 Times in 60,083 Posts	And In Other News Today the VEF Chronicle says that their roving reporter trailmaster is working on a great new story to be titled "The Consequences of Voracious Appetites of an Aussie and a Brit" Stay tuned brave readers. This story will be a blockbuster!!

July 8th, 2016, 01:56 AM	#176
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,909 Thanks: 1,329,179 Thanked 707,348 Times in 60,083 Posts	And In Other News Today the VEF Chronicle reports that their roving reporter trailmaster has finished his epic story entitled: Consequences of Voracious Appetites of an Aussie and a Brit. See it Friday morning. Note. The story will be told in the form of a narrative, which means that there will be no quotation marks

July 17th, 2016, 12:49 PM	#180
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,909 Thanks: 1,329,179 Thanked 707,348 Times in 60,083 Posts	And In Other News Today, An unknown salvage ship which originally sailed from the island of Java is steaming along when one of the crew notices a small boat in the ocean. The ship slows down and stops so they can get a hold of the small boat. There is this very old and disheveled man in the boat. He is muttering to himself over and over saying " It's gone, "It's gone, "It's gone. The crew gets the old man into the galley of the ship and then has the doctor take him to sick bay so he can be examined. One of the crew looking at this very old man says "You know, there is something familiar about this guy." The doctor cleans the man up and asks the man for his story. The man says I just barely escaped.There was this unexpected sea quake and everything on the island started to topple. The buildings, all destroyed, the people all running in fright. Wait cried the doctor. What is this place you're talking about. The very old man blurted out. It's Bunga-Bunga island. I had been living there for decades ever since I faked my death and disappeared from America. The doctor says. What are you talking about. There's no island called Bunga-Bunga. Yes there is cried the very old man. It was a secret hideaway created by this man known only as Ninjaturtle, but now it's gone, swallowed up by the sea. It's all gone. My home is gone, gone, gone!! The very old man falls asleep. The next day the ship goes in search of this mythical island, but can find no trace of it. Finally after a few weeks and the very old man is much healthier, all the crew, even the captain see that they too seem to recognize their strange passenger. The captain says to his first officer. Take a picture of him and have the computer check all the databases. The results are astounding. One of the crew says I knew he appeared familiar. The very old man is none other than Jimmy Hoffa, the famous Labor Union boss who disappeared in 1975