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Old 07-14-2017, 11:21 PM   #12861
anothercustom
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David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff. He can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore.
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Old 07-14-2017, 11:23 PM   #12862
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My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So, I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what... She couldn't do either!
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Old 07-17-2017, 09:50 PM   #12863
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Default Cats are scared of cucumbers

https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/2109...bananas-water/

Not all pussies are, though...

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Old 07-18-2017, 12:30 AM   #12864
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Quote:
Originally Posted by photoflex View Post
That's a zucchini! Pussies LOVE those, especially in that size...!
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Old 07-18-2017, 07:49 AM   #12865
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Quote:
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That's a zucchini! Pussies LOVE those, especially in that size...!
In some fundamentalist countries, menagerie animals are required to wear zookinis.


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Old 07-19-2017, 02:03 AM   #12866
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I went to the hospital today for a consultation I am beginning to think they are staffed by Vampires and Aliens. All they want to do is take your blood and do anal probes on you
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Looking for more of or about her?
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Old 07-19-2017, 06:28 AM   #12867
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Default accident

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'
'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your dick was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got 9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed.
So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.' So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the chap.
'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
'Yes, she has' he says.
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.
'We're having a new fucking
kitchen.'
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Old 07-19-2017, 06:30 AM   #12868
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A white guy from the deep south of the USA has an accident on his motorbike. The major injury was having his penis torn off as he was catapulted forward over his machine.
When he came round in hospital they gave him the bad news, he was shattered but the surgeon said we have a donor who recently passed away.
So they carried out the operation to give him a new penis, when he woke and had a feel it felt the same size of his own, but then he thought to himself if they can do this once they can do it again.
So when the surgeon came round the guy complained that it was smaller than what he’d had before, the surgeon said you are lucky as another has just came in and we can give you that one.
After the operation the guy has a feel around and is quite pleased with what he has, but the spark in his mind said they can do it again.
When the surgeon comes around the guy badgered him none stop for something bigger, the surgeon said we have another one in but this is your third one so you must sign to say you will accept it, the guy signed happily.
After the third operation the guy wakes and has a feel around and thinks WOW this is a real beauty.
When the surgeon comes around the guy can’t thank him enough, the surgeon tells him he can go home but must take it easy for three months.
Just as the surgeon was about to leave he turned and said…..I hope you don’t mind the colour.
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Old 07-19-2017, 06:31 AM   #12869
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Default Affair

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball.” Man – “That’s nice.” Boy – “Want to buy it?” Man – “No, thanks.” Boy – “My dad’s outside.” Man – “OK, how much?” Boy – “£50″
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – “Dark in here.” Man – “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy – “£100″ Man – “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy – “£150″ The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”
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Old 07-19-2017, 06:33 AM   #12870
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A young couple married, and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
In the morning, the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he gets out of the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped.
She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also shy, thought for a minute and said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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