Post your corny jokes - Page 1195

**photoflex** · January 16th, 2017, 10:07 PM

Years ago I was on a date & asked the woman what she did for a living.
She said she worked at the zoo.
I thought 'she sounds like a keeper'

**photoflex** · January 17th, 2017, 12:16 PM

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

**deadman76** · January 19th, 2017, 08:38 PM

My mate kept taking the pi$$ out of me for having a pay as you go mobile phone.
"you got a pay as you go phone, you got a pay as you go phone" he would sing
So in the end i took out a contract..................... and had him killed.

**gedly** · January 19th, 2017, 09:54 PM

Of course, I've always been a tireless campaigner for suffers of insomnia.

Aaron · January 19th, 2017, 11:44 PM

Bilbo burgled a cup from the hoard of the dragon Smaug. This is known. Not as well publicized was the theft of Smaug's private journal. An excerpt:

Dear Diary,
I may need spectacles. During a foray I mis-gauged the air-to-ground distance and ate a half mouthful of sod with my peasant. It wasn't half bad! I shall call the meal SERF AND TURF.

**Staffsyeoman** · January 21st, 2017, 02:42 AM

I just accidentally swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles. I'm so scared. My next dump might spell disaster. ..

**effCup** · January 21st, 2017, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Staffsyeoman

My next dump might spell disaster. ..

A relatively small bag of just 8 tiles, then.

**SanteeFats** · January 21st, 2017, 02:33 PM

I just found out my wife had me cloned and has been seeing him behind my back. Is she cheating on me??

**photoflex** · January 21st, 2017, 09:57 PM

As a prying child looking for confiscated videogames I discovered my mom hides my gameboy way better than she hides her strap-on.

**gmcbee** · January 22nd, 2017, 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

I just found out my wife had me cloned and has been seeing him behind my back. Is she cheating on me??

I thought the movie Multiplicity could have used a few 3-way scenes. Except for the third guy, that pizza-eating, tongue-shaving spazz.

January 16th, 2017, 10:07 PM	#11941
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,920 Thanked 127,769 Times in 3,570 Posts	Years ago I was on a date & asked the woman what she did for a living. She said she worked at the zoo. I thought 'she sounds like a keeper' __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

January 17th, 2017, 12:16 PM	#11942
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,920 Thanked 127,769 Times in 3,570 Posts	The Quotes of Steven Wright: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

January 21st, 2017, 09:57 PM	#11949
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,920 Thanked 127,769 Times in 3,570 Posts	As a prying child looking for confiscated videogames I discovered my mom hides my gameboy way better than she hides her strap-on. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

January 19th, 2017, 08:38 PM	#11943
deadman76 Vintage Member Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: Living Room Posts: 775 Thanks: 9,759 Thanked 10,944 Times in 773 Posts	My mate kept taking the pi$$ out of me for having a pay as you go mobile phone. "you got a pay as you go phone, you got a pay as you go phone" he would sing So in the end i took out a contract..................... and had him killed.

January 19th, 2017, 09:54 PM	#11944
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,306 Times in 3,171 Posts	Of course, I've always been a tireless campaigner for suffers of insomnia.

January 19th, 2017, 11:44 PM	#11945
Aaron Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: U.S. of A. Posts: 206 Thanks: 6,639 Thanked 2,740 Times in 201 Posts	Bilbo burgled a cup from the hoard of the dragon Smaug. This is known. Not as well publicized was the theft of Smaug's private journal. An excerpt: Dear Diary, I may need spectacles. During a foray I mis-gauged the air-to-ground distance and ate a half mouthful of sod with my peasant. It wasn't half bad! I shall call the meal SERF AND TURF.

January 21st, 2017, 02:42 AM	#11946
Staffsyeoman Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 2,268 Thanks: 34,177 Thanked 26,750 Times in 2,159 Posts	I just accidentally swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles. I'm so scared. My next dump might spell disaster. ..

January 21st, 2017, 02:33 PM	#11948
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,813 Thanks: 281,805 Thanked 813,773 Times in 60,861 Posts	I just found out my wife had me cloned and has been seeing him behind my back. Is she cheating on me??