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January 16th, 2017, 10:07 PM | #11941 |
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Years ago I was on a date & asked the woman what she did for a living.
She said she worked at the zoo. I thought 'she sounds like a keeper'
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January 17th, 2017, 12:16 PM | #11942 |
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The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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January 19th, 2017, 08:38 PM | #11943 |
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My mate kept taking the pi$$ out of me for having a pay as you go mobile phone.
"you got a pay as you go phone, you got a pay as you go phone" he would sing So in the end i took out a contract..................... and had him killed. |
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January 19th, 2017, 09:54 PM | #11944 |
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Of course, I've always been a tireless campaigner for suffers of insomnia.
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January 19th, 2017, 11:44 PM | #11945 |
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Bilbo burgled a cup from the hoard of the dragon Smaug. This is known. Not as well publicized was the theft of Smaug's private journal. An excerpt:
Dear Diary, I may need spectacles. During a foray I mis-gauged the air-to-ground distance and ate a half mouthful of sod with my peasant. It wasn't half bad! I shall call the meal SERF AND TURF. |
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January 21st, 2017, 02:42 AM | #11946 |
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I just accidentally swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles. I'm so scared. My next dump might spell disaster. ..
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January 21st, 2017, 08:50 AM | #11947 |
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January 21st, 2017, 02:33 PM | #11948 |
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I just found out my wife had me cloned and has been seeing him behind my back. Is she cheating on me??
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January 21st, 2017, 09:57 PM | #11949 |
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As a prying child looking for confiscated videogames I discovered my mom hides my gameboy way better than she hides her strap-on.
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January 22nd, 2017, 12:53 AM | #11950 |
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