Post your corny jokes - Page 230

**Jeff Vader** · September 30th, 2011, 05:11 PM

A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.

So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.

Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow.
It says -:
“My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up.
The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children.

When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your fanny is in the sink."

**Jeff Vader** · September 30th, 2011, 06:52 PM

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7.
He replied "I still love vista, baby"

**bp666** · September 30th, 2011, 07:51 PM

Confusion over greeting of man leads to emergency landing for plane.

"It was bound to happen one day", said a British Airways spokesman, "unfortunately, it happened to us".

4 hours into an 8 hour flight, a lady seated at the front of the plane used a toilet in the middle of the plane, and decided to walk the long way around back to her seat. As she was walking, she saw a man she recognised as an old boyfriend from high-school she hadn't seen for 20 years. Quite excitably, she called out, "Oh! My! God! Hi Jack!" and understandably many of the passengers panicked, the crew enacted emergency procedures, and the captain made an emergency landing.

"We unreservedly apologise to Mr John "Jack" Prescott for the incident and wish him all the best in recovery from his injuries."

**Jeff Vader** · September 30th, 2011, 07:58 PM

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Nuts to that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

**TCO95** · September 30th, 2011, 08:04 PM

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

**rustler** · October 1st, 2011, 07:22 AM

I found this on the internet, and thought it was too good not to post here......

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

**mrfixit** · October 1st, 2011, 09:26 AM

Why beer is better than women

when beer goes flat you throw it away

**Jeff Vader** · October 1st, 2011, 11:12 AM

"Titus Bramble caught in possession.
Humiliating news story or match of the day commentary?

**rustler** · October 1st, 2011, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrfixit

Why beer is better than women

when beer goes flat you throw it away

That reminds me of the last time I went into my local, I complained. The beer was ok, but the barmaid was flat!

**Mal Hombre** · October 1st, 2011, 11:57 AM

That reminds Me of the old joke,Our local pub is called The Twiggy's Chest, because the beer is warm and flat...

October 1st, 2011, 07:22 AM	#2296
rustler Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: South of the North Pole Posts: 4,977 Thanks: 47,583 Thanked 84,530 Times in 4,955 Posts	Beer vs. Pussy I found this on the internet, and thought it was too good not to post here...... It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy... A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer. A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy. Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer. Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. advantage: Tie If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy. If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer. If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. Advantage: Beer. 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. Advantage: Tie It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer. Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: beer. Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain god. Advantage: Pussy If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy. If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. Advantage: Tie If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer. If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: Beer. The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy. The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer. Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. Advantage: Tie Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead, Pete's Wicked Winter Brew. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage Pussy. The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy. __________________ "I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience." - Shelley Winters Please read and follow To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

October 1st, 2011, 09:26 AM	#2297
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,774 Thanked 114,810 Times in 9,416 Posts	addition to rustler's post Why beer is better than women when beer goes flat you throw it away __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

October 1st, 2011, 11:57 AM	#2300
Mal Hombre El Super Moderador Join Date: May 2009 Location: Adoptive Monkey Hanger Posts: 58,134 Thanks: 772,635 Thanked 855,661 Times in 57,565 Posts	That reminds Me of the old joke,Our local pub is called The Twiggy's Chest, because the beer is warm and flat... __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. If in doubt, Just ask Yourself What Would Max Do ? It is a porn site,But its a Classy porn site. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

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September 30th, 2011, 05:11 PM	#2291
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening. So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me. Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference. So she does. They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow. It says -: “My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up. The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children. When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms. Your loving husband, Harry. PS. Your fanny is in the sink."

September 30th, 2011, 06:52 PM	#2292
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7. He replied "I still love vista, baby"

September 30th, 2011, 07:51 PM	#2293
bp666 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,073 Thanks: 77,520 Thanked 14,183 Times in 1,074 Posts	Confusion over greeting of man leads to emergency landing for plane. "It was bound to happen one day", said a British Airways spokesman, "unfortunately, it happened to us". 4 hours into an 8 hour flight, a lady seated at the front of the plane used a toilet in the middle of the plane, and decided to walk the long way around back to her seat. As she was walking, she saw a man she recognised as an old boyfriend from high-school she hadn't seen for 20 years. Quite excitably, she called out, "Oh! My! God! Hi Jack!" and understandably many of the passengers panicked, the crew enacted emergency procedures, and the captain made an emergency landing. "We unreservedly apologise to Mr John "Jack" Prescott for the incident and wish him all the best in recovery from his injuries."

September 30th, 2011, 07:58 PM	#2294
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Nuts to that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

September 30th, 2011, 08:04 PM	#2295
TCO95 Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: This member is not allowed in your country. Posts: 5,176 Thanks: 47,615 Thanked 64,797 Times in 5,130 Posts	A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

October 1st, 2011, 11:12 AM	#2298
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	"Titus Bramble caught in possession. Humiliating news story or match of the day commentary?