Post your corny jokes - Page 325

**tygrkhat40** · January 3rd, 2012, 02:45 PM

Y'know eric, it's stories like these that make me believe that the human race will make it.

**Jeff Vader** · January 3rd, 2012, 04:14 PM

Paris St Germain are hopeful to land Carlos Tevez by offering him a deal & the chance to play a lot closer to his home.

....the Notre Dame Cathedral.

hubsy · January 4th, 2012, 01:43 PM

THE LATE ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!

**tygrkhat40** · January 4th, 2012, 02:24 PM

I really don't think that Andy Rooney actually said those things, but funny stuff nonetheless.

**Jeff Vader** · January 4th, 2012, 02:26 PM

Got given Monopoly for Christmas but the instructions were missing!

What are the chances?

hubsy · January 4th, 2012, 03:04 PM

Little Johnny Again!

Little Johnny! (Bless the little bastard).
"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word
'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."

"Dough, D O U G H... Italians make pizza with dough."

"Very good, Jane. now let's hear from Mary."

"Dough, D O U G H... My brother makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

"My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

**Jeff Vader** · January 4th, 2012, 03:56 PM

Just bought a new hive for my bees today.
They are having a house swarming party tomorrow.

**Jeff Vader** · January 4th, 2012, 07:52 PM

In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.

As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are lippy... "

**Eric Cartman** · January 4th, 2012, 10:53 PM

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two
sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did
pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'.

These two friends were so confident going into the final
that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem
final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of
Virginia and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to
find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him
why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and
had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had
a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting
back to campus. Aldric thought this over and then agreed
that they could make up the final on the following day.
The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the
time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate
rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them
to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool"
they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that
problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

**Jeff Vader** · January 5th, 2012, 04:52 AM

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I find f5 quite refreshing.

January 3rd, 2012, 02:45 PM	#3241
tygrkhat40 Long Suffering Bills Fan Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: The City of Good Neighbors Posts: 9,669 Thanks: 304,243 Thanked 152,627 Times in 9,629 Posts	Y'know eric, it's stories like these that make me believe that the human race will make it. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 3rd, 2012, 04:14 PM	#3242
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	Paris St Germain are hopeful to land Carlos Tevez by offering him a deal & the chance to play a lot closer to his home. ....the Notre Dame Cathedral. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

January 4th, 2012, 02:24 PM	#3244
tygrkhat40 Long Suffering Bills Fan Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: The City of Good Neighbors Posts: 9,669 Thanks: 304,243 Thanked 152,627 Times in 9,629 Posts	I really don't think that Andy Rooney actually said those things, but funny stuff nonetheless. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 4th, 2012, 02:26 PM	#3245
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	Got given Monopoly for Christmas but the instructions were missing! What are the chances? __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

January 4th, 2012, 03:56 PM	#3247
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	Just bought a new hive for my bees today. They are having a house swarming party tomorrow. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

January 4th, 2012, 01:43 PM	#3243
hubsy Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 108 Thanks: 2,416 Thanked 1,892 Times in 107 Posts	THE LATE ANDY ROONEY ON SEX! 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't. 16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives! Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!

January 4th, 2012, 03:04 PM	#3246
hubsy Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 108 Thanks: 2,416 Thanked 1,892 Times in 107 Posts	Little Johnny Again! Little Johnny! (Bless the little bastard). "Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence." "Jane, you go first..." "Dough, D O U G H... Italians make pizza with dough." "Very good, Jane. now let's hear from Mary." "Dough, D O U G H... My brother makes things with play dough." "Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?" "My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

January 4th, 2012, 07:52 PM	#3248
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are lippy... " __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

January 4th, 2012, 10:53 PM	#3249
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,152 Times in 14,497 Posts	A College Finals Story This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?

January 5th, 2012, 04:52 AM	#3250
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	I'm not sure about anyone else, but I find f5 quite refreshing. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :