Post your corny jokes - Page 267

**sweatyhat** · November 8th, 2011, 06:11 PM

I don't know what all this fuss is about kids nowadays wearing abstinence rings.
Tomorrow I'll have been wearing a gold one for 20 years.

Who says men can't multi-task?
I can shag my wife and think of her sister at the same time.

Conrad Murray, the only pedo killer people wanted locked up !

Michael Jacksons Neverland: The only fairground you don't have to be a certain height to get a ride.

Visit Mecca: Home of the worlds biggest OXO cube.

My YouTube channel about domestic violence is getting loads of hits.

**Jeff Vader** · November 8th, 2011, 07:00 PM

my wife sat on my glasses and broke them last night. I was really annoyed at first, but it was my own fault for not taking them off

**cuzzyman927** · November 9th, 2011, 04:52 PM

A little boy comes home early from school and tells his father that he got suspended for answering an arithmetic question.
The father replies: That's impossible! How could you get suspended for answering an arithmetic question? What was the question.
The boy replies: Honest dad, the teacher asked me how much is 2+7 and how much is 7+2.
The father replied: What the fuck's the difference?
The boy replied: Yeah, that's what I told her!

**cuzzyman927** · November 9th, 2011, 05:04 PM

A man decides to do some some ice fishing, so he walks out on the ice and cuts a hole and drops his line in.
After a few minutes he hears a voice from above say: There's no fish under the ice!
He looks around and sees no one and figures its just his imagination and so he continues fishing.
A few minutes later he hears the voice again ... I said there's no fish under the ice!
This time he knows that he is not hearing things and asks: Is that you Lord speaking to me?
NO, this is the skating rink manager!

**cuzzyman927** · November 9th, 2011, 05:13 PM

The Tampax tampon advertizing slogan: We may not be number one, but we're "right up there"!

**sweatyhat** · November 9th, 2011, 07:28 PM

Whatever shit the world throws at me over the years, I can always count on my wife to be there, right by my side.
She's a fckking jinx.

No one believes that I am a sweet potato
Honestly, I Yam

My acne ridden, teenage son burst in the living room earlier.
Hell of a mess..

My rape alarm went off at 6pm yesterday, so I got dressed and went out.
I love the dark nights.

My mate Steve has developed memory problems due to his over-indulgence in strong alcohol.
He's become absinthe minded.

This year I'm taking my children to Lapland for Christmas.
They get three private dances for the price of two!

What's shiny and smells of cigars?
The envelope containing Jimmy Saville's bling on it's way to Cash4Gold.

sesamus · November 10th, 2011, 08:38 AM

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

**sweatyhat** · November 10th, 2011, 07:52 PM

Two weeks ago I suddenly fell asleep on a flight to the USA.
It was a Boring 747

I remember one time at school I kept giving this fat kid a dead arm until he cried.
Thinking back, I was never really cut out for teaching.

Took the wife dogging for the first time last night.
Bit of a disaster really. She ran 3 of them over, while she was trying to park...

I took my dog to the flea circus last night.
He stole the show.

Jeremy Kyle show.
The only place where people have more children than they do teeth.

**photoflex** · November 10th, 2011, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweatyhat

Two weeks ago I suddenly fell asleep on a flight to the USA.
It was a Boring 747

I remember the Boring 247.....

Aitken Bonar · November 10th, 2011, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cuzzyman927

The Tampax tampon advertizing slogan: We may not be number one, but we're "right up there"!

Outta sight ....

November 8th, 2011, 06:11 PM	#2661
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,913 Times in 10,563 Posts	I don't know what all this fuss is about kids nowadays wearing abstinence rings. Tomorrow I'll have been wearing a gold one for 20 years. Who says men can't multi-task? I can shag my wife and think of her sister at the same time. Conrad Murray, the only pedo killer people wanted locked up ! Michael Jacksons Neverland: The only fairground you don't have to be a certain height to get a ride. Visit Mecca: Home of the worlds biggest OXO cube. My YouTube channel about domestic violence is getting loads of hits. __________________

November 9th, 2011, 05:04 PM	#2664
cuzzyman927 Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Down at the "Y" Posts: 33,073 Thanks: 390,390 Thanked 1,111,452 Times in 36,682 Posts	A man decides to do some some ice fishing, so he walks out on the ice and cuts a hole and drops his line in. After a few minutes he hears a voice from above say: There's no fish under the ice! He looks around and sees no one and figures its just his imagination and so he continues fishing. A few minutes later he hears the voice again ... I said there's no fish under the ice! This time he knows that he is not hearing things and asks: Is that you Lord speaking to me? NO, this is the skating rink manager! Last edited by cuzzyman927; November 10th, 2011 at 12:55 PM.. Reason: spelling/edit/wording

November 9th, 2011, 07:28 PM	#2666
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,913 Times in 10,563 Posts	Whatever shit the world throws at me over the years, I can always count on my wife to be there, right by my side. She's a fckking jinx. No one believes that I am a sweet potato Honestly, I Yam My acne ridden, teenage son burst in the living room earlier. Hell of a mess.. My rape alarm went off at 6pm yesterday, so I got dressed and went out. I love the dark nights. My mate Steve has developed memory problems due to his over-indulgence in strong alcohol. He's become absinthe minded. This year I'm taking my children to Lapland for Christmas. They get three private dances for the price of two! What's shiny and smells of cigars? The envelope containing Jimmy Saville's bling on it's way to Cash4Gold. __________________

November 10th, 2011, 07:52 PM	#2668
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,913 Times in 10,563 Posts	Two weeks ago I suddenly fell asleep on a flight to the USA. It was a Boring 747 I remember one time at school I kept giving this fat kid a dead arm until he cried. Thinking back, I was never really cut out for teaching. Took the wife dogging for the first time last night. Bit of a disaster really. She ran 3 of them over, while she was trying to park... I took my dog to the flea circus last night. He stole the show. Jeremy Kyle show. The only place where people have more children than they do teeth. __________________

November 8th, 2011, 07:00 PM	#2662
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	my wife sat on my glasses and broke them last night. I was really annoyed at first, but it was my own fault for not taking them off

November 9th, 2011, 04:52 PM	#2663
cuzzyman927 Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Down at the "Y" Posts: 33,073 Thanks: 390,390 Thanked 1,111,452 Times in 36,682 Posts	A little boy comes home early from school and tells his father that he got suspended for answering an arithmetic question. The father replies: That's impossible! How could you get suspended for answering an arithmetic question? What was the question. The boy replies: Honest dad, the teacher asked me how much is 2+7 and how much is 7+2. The father replied: What the fuck's the difference? The boy replied: Yeah, that's what I told her!

November 9th, 2011, 05:13 PM	#2665
cuzzyman927 Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Down at the "Y" Posts: 33,073 Thanks: 390,390 Thanked 1,111,452 Times in 36,682 Posts	The Tampax tampon advertizing slogan: We may not be number one, but we're "right up there"!

November 10th, 2011, 08:38 AM	#2667
sesamus Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 72 Thanks: 297 Thanked 915 Times in 66 Posts	Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."