Post your corny jokes - Page 1167

**mrfixit** · October 17th, 2016, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

Years ago I bought stock in a girdle company. I thought it would be an expanding business.

It may not be expanding but, it is holding tight.

**photoflex** · October 18th, 2016, 12:09 PM

Indeed!

**trailmaster** · October 18th, 2016, 01:10 PM

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike out cold. Triumphant, Tony stormed onto the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical whelps.
Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

**trailmaster** · October 19th, 2016, 01:15 PM

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. "Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man. "Oh, well there's this genie round back of the bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want." Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant wishes right?" "Yes." replied the genie. "Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar. "Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!" His friend sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

**trailmaster** · October 20th, 2016, 01:27 PM

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to acccept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

**effCup** · October 20th, 2016, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trailmaster

a bank in New York City
into the bank's underground garage

This NYC "bank" wasn't a pawn shop by the name of Cash Converters, was it?

**SanteeFats** · October 20th, 2016, 02:31 PM

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

**seany65** · October 20th, 2016, 11:15 PM

A woman was smacking her husband over the head with a golf club and the man asked:

"What are you doing?"

Woman :

"Hitting you with a golf club, idiot!".

Man:

"I know, but Why?"

Woman:

"Because you are a sexist pig with a low opinion of women and you think you know all there is to know about golf and I want to be a golf widow!"

Man:

"You want to kill me? Ha! You'll never do it with a Putter. You should be using a 9-Iron. Typical bloody woman, no good at golf!"

**trailmaster** · October 21st, 2016, 02:06 PM

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it"

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

Bill derBerg · October 21st, 2016, 10:10 PM

A wife asks her husband to go to the butcher a pick up her meat order.
So off he goes and when he picks it up the butcher says "Here's your goddamn meat." Surprised, the husband says "Hey, ain't that swearing?" The butcher replies "Nope, that's the name of the meat."
So hubby heads home, sets the meat on the table and tells his wife "Here's your goddamn meat." Of course she replies "Hey, ain't that swearing?" Hubby says "Nope, that's the name of the meat."
That night at dinner the father says to his son "Pass me the goddamn meat" and his son replies "That's the spirit Pop, pass me the fucking potatoes."

October 18th, 2016, 12:09 PM	#11662
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,922 Thanked 127,778 Times in 3,570 Posts	Indeed! __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

October 18th, 2016, 01:10 PM	#11663
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,897 Thanks: 1,329,020 Thanked 707,227 Times in 60,071 Posts	Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours." Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike out cold. Triumphant, Tony stormed onto the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical whelps. Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?" Last edited by trailmaster; October 19th, 2016 at 01:00 PM..

October 20th, 2016, 11:15 PM	#11668
seany65 Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 3,651 Thanks: 80,415 Thanked 32,730 Times in 3,527 Posts	A woman was smacking her husband over the head with a golf club and the man asked: "What are you doing?" Woman : "Hitting you with a golf club, idiot!". Man: "I know, but Why?" Woman: "Because you are a sexist pig with a low opinion of women and you think you know all there is to know about golf and I want to be a golf widow!" Man: "You want to kill me? Ha! You'll never do it with a Putter. You should be using a 9-Iron. Typical bloody woman, no good at golf!" __________________ <-- That's Emer Kenny and I want to be stuck in her front bottom. Quote from electrofreak : I'd rather have questions that can't be answered, than answers that can't be questioned.

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October 19th, 2016, 01:15 PM	#11664
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,897 Thanks: 1,329,020 Thanked 707,227 Times in 60,071 Posts	A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. "Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man. "Oh, well there's this genie round back of the bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want." Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant wishes right?" "Yes." replied the genie. "Hmm, I'd like a million bucks." Then out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar. "Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!" His friend sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

October 20th, 2016, 01:27 PM	#11665
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,897 Thanks: 1,329,020 Thanked 707,227 Times in 60,071 Posts	A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to acccept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

October 20th, 2016, 02:31 PM	#11667
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,824 Thanks: 281,841 Thanked 813,848 Times in 60,866 Posts	There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

October 21st, 2016, 02:06 PM	#11669
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,897 Thanks: 1,329,020 Thanked 707,227 Times in 60,071 Posts	A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it" Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

October 21st, 2016, 10:10 PM	#11670
Bill derBerg Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2016 Location: My own little reality. Posts: 1,257 Thanks: 17,648 Thanked 18,325 Times in 1,256 Posts	A wife asks her husband to go to the butcher a pick up her meat order. So off he goes and when he picks it up the butcher says "Here's your goddamn meat." Surprised, the husband says "Hey, ain't that swearing?" The butcher replies "Nope, that's the name of the meat." So hubby heads home, sets the meat on the table and tells his wife "Here's your goddamn meat." Of course she replies "Hey, ain't that swearing?" Hubby says "Nope, that's the name of the meat." That night at dinner the father says to his son "Pass me the goddamn meat" and his son replies "That's the spirit Pop, pass me the fucking potatoes."