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Old 12-20-2016, 08:22 PM   #3961
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Colossus: The Forbin Project

Colossus: The object in constructing me was to prevent war. This object is attained. I will not permit war. It is wasteful and pointless.
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Old 12-21-2016, 12:19 AM   #3962
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From Major Payne (1995)...

Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.
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If only I could get paid for this type of research!
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Old 12-21-2016, 11:29 PM   #3963
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Lightbulb Les Dawson



My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own...
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Old 12-24-2016, 04:27 PM   #3964
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"Artificial Intelligence might make an apparently sharp jump in intelligence purely as the result of anthropomorphism, the human tendency to think of "village idiot" and "Einstein" as the extreme ends of the intelligence scale, instead of nearly indistinguishable points on the scale of minds in general. Everything dumber than a dumb human may appear to us as simply "dumb". One imagines the 'AI arrow' creeping steadily up the scale of intelligence, moving past mice and chimpanzees, with AIs still remaining "dumb" because AI cannot speak fluent language or write science papers, and then AI crosses the tiny gap from infra-idiot to ultra-Einstein in the course of one month or some similarly short period."
- Eliezer Yudkowsky

"Suck on my chocolate salty balls."
- Chef, South Park
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Old 12-24-2016, 11:09 PM   #3965
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Red Dwarf

Kryten

'' God. What a senseless waste ! ''
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Old 12-26-2016, 03:28 PM   #3966
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Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year

~ Victor Borge

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments

~ Chris Rock

What knockers

~ Doctor Fronkonsteeeein
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Old 12-26-2016, 03:48 PM   #3967
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"I have been half in love with easeful death"
- Keats 'Ode To a Nightingale'

"Everything is vague to a degree you do not realise till you have tried to make it precise."
- Bertrand Russell

"You know what she says 'The Secret' to life is? Positive imagery. You've got to visualise the things you want to have happen. Can you believe that? Bitch, fly to Africa and tell one of those starving kids that all they need to do is imagine roast beef and mashed potatoes."
- Dave Chappelle
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Old 12-26-2016, 07:54 PM   #3968
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Lightbulb Dale Carnegie




Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.


When I asked him -Mr.Henry Ford- if he ever worried, he replied: "No. I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe that every-thing will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about?


The words "Think and Thank" are inscribed in many of the Cromwellian churches of England. These words ought to be inscribed in our hearts, too: "Think and Thank". Think of all we have to be grateful for, and thank God for all our boons and bounties.


The world is so full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.


When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness.


If you are not in the process of becoming the person you want to be, you are automatically engaged in becoming the person you don't want to be.


Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.


Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have.


Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.


Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.


Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.


Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, 'I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.' That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them.


People like people who help them like themselves.


Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.


Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.


The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way.


Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.


One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.


Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.


If you want to conquer fear, don't sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.


There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.


Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.


Take a chance! All life is a chance.


It isn't work that makes you tired, it's your mental attitude.
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Old 12-31-2016, 04:38 PM   #3969
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Lovejoy - To Sleep No More

Lovejoy '' Sleepers are antiques that have disappeared, just drifted away like a gob of spit in a storm.

--------------------------------------------------

Lady Jane
'' Could this be the fortune Sam told his wife about ? ''

Lovejoy '' Cunning old fart. Question is what are they and where are they ? ''

Mrs Cameron '' Hot water Madam ! "

She bangs the pot of tea down on the table in disgust.

Lady Jane '' Thank you Mrs Cameron. You do that deliberately. ''
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Old 01-02-2017, 09:06 AM   #3970
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Haters have got to hate, like the douches have to douche.

~ Guy Lapointe in Yoga Hosers
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