Twisted sick jokes that`ll send us ALL to hell. - Page 49

**Almero** · December 8th, 2014, 02:33 PM

I was stunned today when my wife said we should get divorced.
After 21 years of marriage the bitch finally agrees with me on something.

As I stood smoking outside the pub last night, some random bloke walked up to me and said, "Have you got a cigarette?"
"Yes." I replied.
After a few seconds he looked at me and said, "Well, where is it then?"
I said, "Between my fucking fingers, you blind twat."

I manage to bring a different girl home every weekend.
It's getting quite crowded in my basement.

I've learned one thing after my trip to New York.
Never trust a homeless guy who's selling warm lemonade to you.

**tygrkhat40** · December 9th, 2014, 02:12 PM

A man dies at the factory when he fell into some machinery. At the funeral, his widow asks his boss, "Did he mention my name before he died?" The boss replied, "Sure, if your name is AIEAAIEEGHHHH!"

**sweatyhat** · December 9th, 2014, 02:57 PM

"Mummy, why did the Romans throw Christians to the lions? "
"Because there were no Muslims sweetheart. "

My daughter just asked me what 'FAP' meant.
I need to stop commenting on her Facebook photos.

The spot on my neck filled half a wine glass full of pus.
And made two other diners throw up.

Fingering my missus is like trying to retrieve a pound coin from inside an old leather sofa.

**T2000** · December 15th, 2014, 03:49 PM

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."

And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

MaxJoker · January 22nd, 2015, 03:32 PM

I read that 15,000 CCTV cameras are being installed in Delhi for Obama's visit.
This is ridiculous.
Just because he's black doesn't necessarily mean he'll steal.

Leon Brittan is to be buried according to his wishes.
Up to his balls in a 10 year old.

My Korean girlfriend asked if I could get her a little puppy for her birthday.
Suspicious, I asked.. "Hmmm, what are you going to do with it ?"
"Rice and peas." She replied.

**sweatyhat** · January 29th, 2015, 09:08 PM

I thought I was good in bed until I found out my girlfriend has asthma.

On my first day at work in the benefits office, my boss asked me to make up a list of disabled clients' names.
I didn't realise he meant their real names.

.

**Jonno71** · January 30th, 2015, 01:17 PM

My girlfriend will be happy as I have been busy in the kitchen with my screwdriver. She said last night on the phone we couldn't have sex this weekend because she had loose stools.

**sweatyhat** · January 30th, 2015, 03:52 PM

My wife asked me to take her to the bedroom and make her feel young again.
She wasn't impressed with the white wig, rose-tinted spectacles, gold shellsuit and cigar.

**sweatyhat** · February 2nd, 2015, 07:42 PM

How do you stop a clown from laughing?
Hit it in the face with an axe.

My wife just called me a wanker.
I had to laugh; she's insulting herself more than me.

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.

**rustler** · February 6th, 2015, 11:57 AM

A vicar checks into a hotel, and at the reception desk asks the young receptionist, "Excuse me Miss, but I do sincerely hope that the porn channel on the TV in my room is disabled?" he asks enquiringly.

*No", she replies, "it's just straight porn you sick bastard!"

December 9th, 2014, 02:12 PM	#482
tygrkhat40 Long Suffering Bills Fan Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: The City of Good Neighbors Posts: 9,669 Thanks: 304,243 Thanked 152,571 Times in 9,629 Posts	A man dies at the factory when he fell into some machinery. At the funeral, his widow asks his boss, "Did he mention my name before he died?" The boss replied, "Sure, if your name is AIEAAIEEGHHHH!" __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

December 9th, 2014, 02:57 PM	#483
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,913 Times in 10,563 Posts	"Mummy, why did the Romans throw Christians to the lions? " "Because there were no Muslims sweetheart. " My daughter just asked me what 'FAP' meant. I need to stop commenting on her Facebook photos. The spot on my neck filled half a wine glass full of pus. And made two other diners throw up. Fingering my missus is like trying to retrieve a pound coin from inside an old leather sofa. __________________

December 15th, 2014, 03:49 PM	#484
T2000 Vintage Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,424 Thanks: 21,383 Thanked 84,452 Times in 3,472 Posts	Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks." And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. Last edited by T2000; December 15th, 2014 at 04:24 PM..

January 22nd, 2015, 03:32 PM	#485
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,580 Times in 69,067 Posts	I read that 15,000 CCTV cameras are being installed in Delhi for Obama's visit. This is ridiculous. Just because he's black doesn't necessarily mean he'll steal. Leon Brittan is to be buried according to his wishes. Up to his balls in a 10 year old. My Korean girlfriend asked if I could get her a little puppy for her birthday. Suspicious, I asked.. "Hmmm, what are you going to do with it ?" "Rice and peas." She replied. __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 29th, 2015, 09:08 PM	#486
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,913 Times in 10,563 Posts	I thought I was good in bed until I found out my girlfriend has asthma. On my first day at work in the benefits office, my boss asked me to make up a list of disabled clients' names. I didn't realise he meant their real names. . __________________

December 8th, 2014, 02:33 PM	#481
Almero Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: From Russia with love Posts: 1,432 Thanks: 13,926 Thanked 25,344 Times in 1,425 Posts	I was stunned today when my wife said we should get divorced. After 21 years of marriage the bitch finally agrees with me on something. As I stood smoking outside the pub last night, some random bloke walked up to me and said, "Have you got a cigarette?" "Yes." I replied. After a few seconds he looked at me and said, "Well, where is it then?" I said, "Between my fucking fingers, you blind twat." I manage to bring a different girl home every weekend. It's getting quite crowded in my basement. I've learned one thing after my trip to New York. Never trust a homeless guy who's selling warm lemonade to you.

January 30th, 2015, 01:17 PM	#487
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	My girlfriend will be happy as I have been busy in the kitchen with my screwdriver. She said last night on the phone we couldn't have sex this weekend because she had loose stools.

January 30th, 2015, 03:52 PM	#488
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,913 Times in 10,563 Posts	My wife asked me to take her to the bedroom and make her feel young again. She wasn't impressed with the white wig, rose-tinted spectacles, gold shellsuit and cigar. __________________

February 2nd, 2015, 07:42 PM	#489
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,913 Times in 10,563 Posts	How do you stop a clown from laughing? Hit it in the face with an axe. My wife just called me a wanker. I had to laugh; she's insulting herself more than me. What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog. __________________

February 6th, 2015, 11:57 AM	#490
rustler Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: South of the North Pole Posts: 4,977 Thanks: 47,583 Thanked 84,530 Times in 4,955 Posts	A vicar checks into a hotel, and at the reception desk asks the young receptionist, "Excuse me Miss, but I do sincerely hope that the porn channel on the TV in my room is disabled?" he asks enquiringly. No", she replies, "it's just straight porn you sick bastard!" __________________ "I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience." - Shelley Winters Please read and follow To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.*