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Old 04-28-2017, 12:46 PM   #12531
bloke57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rosestone View Post
At least he won't get Capital punishment.
That's why it wasn't heard in the High Court.

It was a lower case.
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Old 04-28-2017, 01:53 PM   #12532
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bloke57 View Post
That's why it wasn't heard in the High Court.

It was a lower case.
Comma on, now. That was horrid.
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Old 04-28-2017, 08:39 PM   #12533
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The worst time to have a heart attack is...

...during a game of charades...
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Old 04-28-2017, 08:52 PM   #12534
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Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
A: Because the P is silent.

Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A Private Tutor.

Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A: A can't opener.

Q: What do they call a bad neighborhood in Italy?
A: A Spaghetto.

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam.
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Old 04-29-2017, 12:47 PM   #12535
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Looking for more of or about her?
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:03 AM   #12536
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My wife turned to me during her mothers funeral and hissed,"When we get home later, I'm going to make you pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I'd done wrong.

It even put me off my popcorn.
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Old 04-30-2017, 11:00 PM   #12537
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In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
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Old 04-30-2017, 11:14 PM   #12538
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A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.

When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"
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Old 04-30-2017, 11:14 PM   #12539
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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o''-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

''''Right, you Jimmy,'''' he shouts, ''''Ah want you to masturbate!''''

''''But......'''' stammers the driver.

''''Du it now - or I''ll bluddy kill yu!''''

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn''t take him long.

''''Right!'''' snarls the Highlander ''''Du it agin, now!''''

So the driver does it again. ''''Right laddie, du it agin!'''' demands the Highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

''''Du it again!'''' says the Highlander.

''''I can''t do it any more - you''ll just have to kill me!'''' whimpers the man.

The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?''''
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Old 05-01-2017, 11:08 AM   #12540
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Anyway, I was watching this election debate last night. One of the politicians says, "The people of this country are standing on a cliff edge". I thought to myself, "Well that's not true. I'm sitting on an armchair".
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