Post your corny jokes

[pudpuller]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[pudpuller]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly
answers: “Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business… Now give me back my dog.”

[Mal Hombre]

Did you hear about the prostitute who got arrested for receiving swollen goods ?

[squigg58]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Sales."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[les1917lie]

This one, IMHO, is brilliant.

Sitting on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were


a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady,


and a delicious blonde Swiss girl with lubly large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later

there is the sound of a loud slap!

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy
has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: That French guy must have groped
the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have
tried to grope me in the dark, but missed, fondled the old
lady and she slapped his cheek.

The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have
groped the blonde then she tried to slap him but missed
and got me instead.

And the English bloke thinks to himself: I can't wait for
another tunnel, so I can smack that French bastard again.


roflol!

[Clouddancer]

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy a half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the

man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[Mal Hombre]

A woman had three vaginas,she got f*cked left,right and centre.

[hugleflip]

A woman answers the phone and the pervert on the other end breathes... "Have you got a big, sweaty, hairy cunt?" The woman replies: "Yeah, he's on the fucking settee, do you want him?"

[motte]

This time a new soldier is sent to an outpost way out in the middle of the desert. After a couple of weeks he asks the Sarge, What do you do about sex around here?
Sarge replies, you can use that camel over there. The soldier declines and goes back to work. After a couple more months he can't take it anymore. So one night he sneaks out to try and screw the camel. The camel makes a big scene and wakes the outpost. The young soldier is in the middle of the the pen with his pants between his legs when the Sarge shows up. While helping the boy up, the sarge dryly explains. Son you don't fuck her, you ride her to town. She knows the way to the whorehouse!

[motte]

A young man gets a job as a lumberjack. The worksite is way out in the middle of the forest. After a couple of weeks he asks the boss "what do you about sex around here". The boss replies for 22 bucks you can fuck the Chinese cook. Hell no, replied the young man, I don't go for that shit. After a couple more weeks
he asks the boss again. Not that I'm interested, but why the odd amount of 22 bucks for the Chinaman? Boss replied, 20 is for the other cooks to hold him down. He don't go for that shit either.