Post your corny jokes - Page 353

P37 · February 14th, 2012, 02:36 PM

Valentine's Day Cards

These rejected Valentine's Day cards somehow never made it to store shelves, I wonder why?

I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.

Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

**Eric Cartman** · February 14th, 2012, 02:40 PM

Valentine’s Day Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?"

"You’ll know tonight," he said.

That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.

**TommySwiftJr.** · February 14th, 2012, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaeldom

Had a Valentine's poem rejected by Moonpig.com, today. What's wrong with:

Roses are red,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
You're about to get fisted.

Had this in my Inbox today:

Roses are gay
Violets are gayer
F*ck Valentines
I listen to Slayer.

**Jeff Vader** · February 14th, 2012, 10:43 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic boy who cried 'fowl'?

Nobody listened and the wolf ate him

**botogames** · February 15th, 2012, 02:48 AM

This lady was so concern with her dreams and went to the doctor to see if there was something that could be done...

Doctor, I dream two nights ago I was a tee-pee, and last night I was a Wigwam...

Do you have any idea why this is happening, is there something wrong with me??

The doctor replied, there really nothing wrong with you, you just seem to be to tense..

gunner81uk · February 15th, 2012, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NIN

What's the living definition & embodiment of blood from a stone cynicism

iTunes raising the cost of 'The Whitney Houston Greatest Hits' from 4:99 to 7:99

http://www.contactmusic.com/news/itunes-raise-price-of-whitney-houston-album-furious-fans-protest_1294137

Don't blame iTunes for this, it was Sony that increased the price which caused an automatic increase on iTunes, Sony have since apologised

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-17039076

**Eric Cartman** · February 15th, 2012, 02:40 PM

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

**Jeff Vader** · February 15th, 2012, 06:12 PM

I've fallen in love with a ventriloquists doll.

But she's already spoken for.

**Eric Cartman** · February 16th, 2012, 04:25 PM

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arthritis

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister," the priest answered coolly, "it's caused by loose living. By being with cheap, wicked women. By too much alcohol. And by a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

**Eric Cartman** · February 16th, 2012, 05:29 PM

Anyone who served in the Navy or Air Force will all be able to spot the error right away.

This photo is absolutely incredible... it should be a poster for what not to do.

But can you tell what's wrong with it?

Yep, guess you spotted it too.

Never, ever try to Prop-Start an aircraft without chocking the wheels!

I am sure that caught your eye right away like it did mine.

February 14th, 2012, 02:40 PM	#3522
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	Valentine’s Day Dream After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?" "You’ll know tonight," he said. That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams. Last edited by Eric Cartman; February 14th, 2012 at 03:36 PM.. Reason: Removed duplicate post

February 14th, 2012, 10:43 PM	#3524
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	Did you hear about the dyslexic boy who cried 'fowl'? Nobody listened and the wolf ate him __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

February 15th, 2012, 02:40 PM	#3527
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	Planning for the After-Life An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live." O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

February 15th, 2012, 06:12 PM	#3528
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	I've fallen in love with a ventriloquists doll. But she's already spoken for. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

February 16th, 2012, 04:25 PM	#3529
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	Falling down drunk A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arthritis A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister," the priest answered coolly, "it's caused by loose living. By being with cheap, wicked women. By too much alcohol. And by a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

February 14th, 2012, 02:36 PM	#3521
P37 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: in the deep end Posts: 648 Thanks: 4,235 Thanked 5,571 Times in 620 Posts	Valentine's Day Cards These rejected Valentine's Day cards somehow never made it to store shelves, I wonder why? I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH! Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown, but so has your ass! You're a honey, and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty". I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! If you think that hickey looks like a blister, You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

February 15th, 2012, 02:48 AM	#3525
botogames Everything in Moderation Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: On VACA - Aloha! Posts: 2,923 Thanks: 143,500 Thanked 42,714 Times in 2,706 Posts	This lady was so concern with her dreams and went to the doctor to see if there was something that could be done... Doctor, I dream two nights ago I was a tee-pee, and last night I was a Wigwam... Do you have any idea why this is happening, is there something wrong with me?? The doctor replied, there really nothing wrong with you, you just seem to be to tense..

February 16th, 2012, 05:29 PM	#3530
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,151 Times in 14,497 Posts	Subject: How not to start a plane Anyone who served in the Navy or Air Force will all be able to spot the error right away. This photo is absolutely incredible... it should be a poster for what not to do. But can you tell what's wrong with it? Yep, guess you spotted it too. Never, ever try to Prop-Start an aircraft without chocking the wheels! I am sure that caught your eye right away like it did mine.