Post your corny jokes

[sweatyhat]

They say so many people die because of alcohol..
Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.

Most chavs can trace their family tree back at least 15 generations.
All the way back to 1980.

My local held a competition to see who owned the best smart phone.
They called it a "pub quiz"

What's a gay Jamaicans favorite game ? Pokemon.

"Will you please stop scratching your balls," my wife said. "I won't tell you again!"
Thank fckk for that. She was really starting to get on my nerves.

Friends are like arse cheeks, sometimes crap comes between them, but they always come together again.

Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says I want H2O the other says I want H2O too.
And he dies

[rustler]

Did you hear about the guy who crossed a surgical appliance firm with a hotel chain??

He called it Truss House Forté



Courtesy of The Two Ronnies

[Jeff Vader]

Bloke to woman: Do you know the difference between a chicken drumstick and a cock?
Woman: No.
Bloke: Want to go on a picnic?

[Lurk_D]

Originally Posted by HugoHackenbush

This came from a cartoon I saw a long time ago....

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are on horseback, riding at a full gallop. They are trying to escape a small army of Native Americans who are shooting arrows at them and clearly have hostile intent.

"What do we do now, faithful friend?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"What do you mean WE, paleface?" responds Tonto.

Said cartoon was by Dave Berg, and ran in Mad Magazine.

[hubsy]

Three Nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask

'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't Ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and Says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

[manowar1952]

This may have been posted before...if so, apologies to the original poster.

Billy and Joey, two mates, outside a pub with only 95p between them are bemoaning the fact that they can't afford a drink.

Billy says, "Listen, follow my lead and we'll be bladdered before the nights out."
Joey says, "How?"

Billy takes him to a nearby chip shop and comes out with a cooked sausage.

They go back to the pub and just before they go in Billy sticks the sausage down his trousers so that it is hanging from his flies. Says to Joey, "Do exactly what I tell you!"

They went in and at the bar ordered two pints, drank them down dead quick and before the barman could ask for payment, Billy whispers to Joey, "Get down on your knees and start sucking the sausage!"

Joey says, "Whaa...?"

"Just do it!" hisses Billy. So Joey drops to his knees and starts doing it.

Immediately, the barman jumps over the bar, grabs the pair of them by the scruff and throws them out, shouting, "We don't want any fairy stuff in here!"

In the gutter the pair of them are laughing at how they managed to get a free drink so easily.
So easily in fact, that they are successful in eight other pubs.


Outside the ninth Joey says, "Billy...enough...me knees are really killing me, mate!"

Billy says, "Bloody whinger! You think you've had enough?.....I lost the sausage after the third pub!"

[manowar1952]

For those who hate pooping at work, here is the Survival Guide.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[Mal Hombre]

Originally Posted by manowar1952

For those who hate pooping at work, here is the Survival Guide.

You've thought about this way too much

[tygrkhat40]

If you go into a bathroom and it smells like someone just dropped a deuce and a half, that's OK. It's supposed to smell bad at times. If you walk into someone's kitchen and it smells like that, then there's a problem.

[photoflex]

Originally Posted by Mal Hombre

You've thought about this way too much

My guess is, that manowar1952 is not one of those that take a newspaper in with them.