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Old 09-20-2008, 01:04 AM   #11
Canned Carrott
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Sports news:

Amir Khan had an Aids test after his last fight, because he'd been beaten round the ring.
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Old 09-20-2008, 01:43 PM   #12
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lol the first 2 were really funny
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Old 09-20-2008, 02:50 PM   #13
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Q: Why is a duck like British Gas?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arses.

This is one Mike Harding used to tell, he made it last half an hour.
It's Christmas Eve and this bloke's forgotten to get a turkey, he's also desperate to see a film that's getting its last showing (this joke pre-dates DVD) so he goes to the butchers and the only turkey left is still alive and putting up a fight, bald patches all over it and feathers everywhere. He's got no choice so the bloke takes it and he's only got a few minutes to get to the cinema so he stuffs in under his raincoat and holds it between his legs to sneak in. He gets into the cinema just as the lights are going down and sits next to two young women, the turkey clamped between his thighs and his raincoat buttoned. He can feel the turkey moving about but he figures its dark so what the Hell. After a few minutes one of the women turns to the other and says "I think the fella next to me's got his cock out" "So what? You've seen one, you've seen 'em all" "But this one's eating my crisps"

The first flight by Irish Airways to New York. The plane's coming in to land when the pilot gets a message from the tower "sorry, but we've got so much traffic we'll have to give you the shortest runway so take care when you're landing" The pilot circles round, to line up his descent and says to the co-pilot "this looks tricky, as soon as we touch the ground I want full reverse engines, full flaps and brakes and let's hope we make it". The plane hits the tarmac, howling engines, screaming tires as the end of the runway gets closer and closer. Just when it looks like they'll be ploughing into the earth the plane finally screams to a stop with inches to spare. The pilot breathes a huge sigh of relief and looks out of the windows and says "that was too close, no doubt about it, that was the shortest runway I've ever seen" and the co-pilot says "but will you look at the width of it"
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Old 09-20-2008, 07:12 PM   #14
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to
reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea', she replied. 'Just for
tonight, let's
pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good', she replied. 'Get your own fucking
blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End
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Old 09-20-2008, 09:27 PM   #15
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When I was younger I used to get sick of aunts and uncles poking me in the ribs at family weddings and saying. 'Your next.' Now I'm older I get my own back at family funerals by poking them in the ribs and saying 'Your next.'
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Old 09-20-2008, 11:30 PM   #16
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Two oranges walk into a bar.One says to the other 'Your round'.
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Old 09-21-2008, 05:35 PM   #17
jch48
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What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off,and say your sorry!
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Old 09-21-2008, 06:24 PM   #18
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Aardvaark walks into a bar. Barman says: 'Why the long face?'
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Old 09-24-2008, 04:58 AM   #19
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China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos...
there are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY,
people were always winging wong numbers.

I felt you needed to know this...
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Old 09-27-2008, 07:31 AM   #20
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.
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