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Old 03-16-2017, 05:17 PM   #12331
otokonomidori
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A man goes into a pet shop. He says: ‘I’d like to buy a wasp please.’ The shopkeeper says: ‘Sorry Sir, but we don’t sell wasps.’ Man says: ‘But you’ve got one in the window!!’
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Old 03-17-2017, 07:37 PM   #12332
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Me mate Paddy got invited to a Klu Klux Klan fancy dress party,,,He,s going as Al Jolson,,,,
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Old 03-17-2017, 09:38 PM   #12333
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Why didn't Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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Old 03-18-2017, 12:38 AM   #12334
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So the mechanic said to me. "It's 100 to replace the seal in your car". Do I look stupid? I never kept an aquatic mammal in my car in the first place.
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Old 03-18-2017, 02:14 PM   #12335
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...the mechanic said that I'd blown a seal. I told him to fix it and leave my private life out of it.
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Old 03-18-2017, 05:39 PM   #12336
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"Of course, as an 18 year old, I spend a lot of my time on Facebook.
But are any of you friends with a surprise Facebook racist?
Might be an old school friend or someone that you haven't seen for a while and
than bursts out of nowhere with a racist Facebook post.
I saw one of these things recently, it was an image of a Muslim woman in a burka,
and written across it was:

"IF A MUSLIM WOMAN IS ALLOWED TO WEAR A BURKA, THEN HOW COME I'M NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR A BIG WHITE HOOD AND BURN A CROSS ON AN ETHNIC MINORITY'S FRONT LAWN? IT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD! IT'S ONE RULE FOR THE IMMIGRANTS AN ANOTHER FOR THE IMPERIAL GRAND WIZARDS! AND IF EXPRESSING THAT MAKES ME A RACIST IN THE EYES OF THE LIBERALS, THAN SO BE IT!"

I thought; "Mate, that makes you a racist in the eyes of other racists."

I was shocked, I didn't even know my grandma had Facebook!

Jack Carroll
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Old 03-18-2017, 11:31 PM   #12337
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Do You Have A Dirty Mind?

Just take a good look at this picture...



...if you see anything else than wheat heads, then yes, you've got a dirty mind!
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:40 AM   #12338
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So I whispered to my wife, "Let's have a feel of your lovely tits", as I gently squeezed her firm buns and ran my fingers over her hard, pert nipples. She giggled and whispered back, "We've forgotten the coffee. Can you dash back to the aisle before I get to the front of the queue?"
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Old 03-19-2017, 11:11 PM   #12339
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I was a shit father. I couldn't afford to buy my son much for Christmas.

He went to his mate's house one Boxing Day. The mate was dressed in a new cowboy suit and showed off his new BMX, Scalextric, Hornby railway set, Trivial Pursuit, selection boxes etc.

My son exclaimed "Fuck me! You're one lucky bastard! I wish I had leukaemia!"
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Old 03-19-2017, 11:53 PM   #12340
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What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
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