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Old 04-06-2017, 08:59 PM   #12331
ruffroundedges
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-Bob to Joe, "What the heck, Joe, I’ve just heard your dog meowing. How come?!"
Ah yeah, that’s OK! He is just learning a second language."

-Why is it a bad idea to play poker with a jungle cat?
Chances are it is a cheetah.

-Two cats are sitting in front of bird’s cage and observe a newly arrived green canary.
One cat says to the other, “It really is a strange color for a bird. Maybe he’s not ripe yet.”
- What did the cat say when she was told the canary is off limits? You’ve gotta be kitten me.

-Have you heard about the cat who climbed the Himalayas?
She was a renowned sher-paw.
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Old 04-07-2017, 03:56 AM   #12332
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruffroundedges View Post
-There's a new band called 1023megabytes.
They haven't had any gigs yet.
Oh, now.
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Old 04-07-2017, 11:26 AM   #12333
effCup
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruffroundedges View Post
-Why is it a bad idea to play poker with a jungle cat?
Chances are it is a cheetah.
I'd play. Cheetahs don't live in jungles, only savannahs.
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Old 04-09-2017, 09:35 AM   #12334
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Last night I was in a bar when me and a friend got in an argument with some tough looking guys, my mate quickly whispered to me "Let's pretend we're the police".. Long story short, they kicked the shit out of us before we even got through the first verse of "Roxanne".
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Old 04-09-2017, 11:14 AM   #12335
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So the World's Greatest Bowler (for clarity, sport of hurling a ball down a lane knocking over ten pins, not a type of hat) dies and meets St. Peter at The Pearly Gates. "Ah! wonderful to see you! You're just in time to join our bowling league team!"

Somewhat in shock at his recent transition from Life to Afterlife, he begins making small talk. "Really? I never knew there'd be bowling in Heaven."

"There certainly is! Now if you'll come with me we'll get you fitted with our team shirt and a new pair of bowling shoes and then fi--"

"Weird thing, the way I di-di-died. I was at a charity exhibition. People pledged money for every pin I knocked down in three back-to-back games. It was pretty incredible. I was never in better form in my life! I had a perfect first game going until the final ball."

"Yes," the saint said reaching for the new arrival's elbow. "Now if you'll just come along--"

"Last ball, one more strike and I'd have a perfect game. The pins just scattered like nothing I'd ever seen, except the six pin. It didn't fall. It just wobbled, around and around, like it wanted to fall but then at the last second it just straightened up dead still. The crowd all groaned and I was really torn up about it, too, because all the money was going to the orphanage I grew up in. It didn't seem fair!"

"Yes, that is a shame, but we're in a bit of a rush, so if you don't mind coming this wa--"

"Then the second game I was back on top. It felt great. Strikes all the way until the final ball, and again that da-a, uh, dang six pin started to wobble round and round like it wanted to fall until at the last second it just straightened up." He let out a long breath. "Man! Another perfect game ruined! I was really pis-- I mean peeved."

"I'm so sorry for you, but as I said before, we're in a terrible rush, so if you wouldn't mind com--"

"Then the third game, and again I was on track for a three hundred until that very last ball, and that fuc-- um, foolish six pin got me *again*. It toppled and spun and bounced and wobbled round and round like it was drunk when all of a sudden it stood up straight and refused to fall. It was like a marionette or something. I hate to say it," he added looking down at his feet, "but I gotta confess I lost my temper and cussed. A lot. On live television. In front of orphans and nuns and my parish priest even. I got really angry, and I saw red, and my head hurt, and then the last thing I remember is the floor coming up to hit me in the face."

"Stroke. You had a stroke. You died nearly instantly. But that isn't important now. If you'd just--"

He shook his head. "Weird thing my ending up in Heaven with a curse on my lips like that. Maybe all my good works balanced it out, huh?"

St. Peter sighed. "Not really, no. Look. Since we're confessing, it's like this. We really need you on our team right away, so I pulled a few strings to get you up here."
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Old 04-09-2017, 01:43 PM   #12336
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What do you call a cow that has had an abortion?
Decalfinated.






Did you hear about the new radio station WPMS?
It has a monthly programming cycle that is three weeks of the blues followed by one week of ragtime.
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I be done re upping. PM me if you run into one that needs attention and I will see what I can do.


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Old 04-09-2017, 02:07 PM   #12337
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I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.
She started walking faster, so I walked faster.
She started running, so I started running.
She started screaming, so I started screaming.
I never did find out what we were running away from.
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Old 04-09-2017, 03:15 PM   #12338
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These young detectives raid a brothel and drugs den. They round up all the prostitutes and junkies when all of a sudden the chief detective says, "Everybody go back to your rooms, nobody is under arrest". One of the cops says, "What's going on guv?". "The chief constable has told me to call off the raid". "When was this?" the young cop asks. "When I met him in the bedroom at the top of the stairs five minutes ago".
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Old 04-09-2017, 04:15 PM   #12339
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What do you call a blond in a hula-hoop?




A hoe in one
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 04-09-2017, 05:14 PM   #12340
ruffroundedges
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-How does a blonde turn the lights on after sex?
Opens the car door.

-What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has had a ride on a 747.

-What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box.

-Why did the blonde have a bruise on her belly button?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
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