Post your corny jokes

[gedly]

"emergency /ɪˈməːdʒ(ə)nsi/ a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation that if you're lucky might be dealt with, oh, let me think, 3 o'clock Tuesday afternoon but failing that 11 o'clock Wednesday morning" Plumber's dictionary.

[mrfixit]

Lone Ranger & Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumb, Kemosahbee. It means someone stole the tent.

[trailmaster]

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where's my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, '"Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with a keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it........... and the blonde doesn't."

[Almero]

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.
” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”


At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth…

[gedly]

I finally met my Dad today. Of course, I couldn't help but get emotional, "You heartless, uncaring bastard, walking out on mum when you got her pregnant......"

[}[eywood]

Originally Posted by gedly

I finally met my Dad today. Of course, I couldn't help but get emotional, "You heartless, uncaring bastard, walking out on mum when you got her pregnant......"

Strange. I don't see the joke. Although I always wanted it I never got to have this moment. I'm adopted, but I met my mother when I was 21 and have kept in touch with her somewhat, but my father refused to meet me. He died at 47, my age now, before I ever got to find him and tell him off.

[captpike]

[trailmaster]

During an international gynaecology conference, an Engish doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd," Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big, My God, man she wouldn't be able to walk if it were." "Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin. "I was talking about the flavour!"
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This black woman was vastly overweight, and I mean MASSIVE and she went to see the doctor about her weight. She said to him, "Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?" The doctor replies, "Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left to right, simple eh?!"
She says, "WOW that's amazing, um...when do I do it?" The doctor says, "Next time you order food."

[SanteeFats]

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

[trailmaster]

An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.
The Greek: We built the Acropolis!
The Italian: We built the Colloseum!

The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!
The Italian: We made the Roman Empire!

The Greek: We discovered sex!
The Italian: And we introduced it to women!!
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This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining room table and eat our dinner!" As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get hot and very aroused!" The husband says, "That is because you have your tits in the soup!"