Post your corny jokes - Page 862

**gedly** · September 27th, 2014, 05:14 PM

Now, my dad swore to me, he swore to my mum and he swore to my brothers and sisters. In fact, he was a right foul-mouthed git.

**PJayBr** · September 27th, 2014, 08:05 PM

Met a guy who grew bonsai trees as a business. Been so succesful he's had to move into smaller premises.....

PJayBr

**Jonno71** · September 27th, 2014, 08:36 PM

I’ve been banned from my local library today after using their computer when I was requested to “please log out before leaving.” The cleaner said she did not appreciate finding shit on the chair.

**Jonno71** · September 28th, 2014, 10:32 PM

I will never forget when I met Julia online. We chatted for days and days and finally I picked up the courage to ask her out on a date. I was so relieved to find out she was older than I first thought and held a professional job. I am so happy she is my girlfriend… or as my cell mate keeps reminding me “that cop bitch that arrested you and sent you down for pedophilia.”

**SanteeFats** · September 29th, 2014, 03:01 PM

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were thought to be at least 3000 years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society, pointed to first drawing and said:

This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey. So they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said ....
"Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick...!"

**photoflex** · September 29th, 2014, 06:06 PM

The professor has kindly gathered all jokes repeated on this thread.

And put them in a handy PDF for your perusal:

Richard Wiseman ‏@RichardWiseman
Free PDF of 1001 jokes from our Laughlab project. http://richardwiseman.files.wordpres.../09/jokes1.pdf …

**Jonno71** · September 29th, 2014, 06:41 PM

I asked the wife to pass me a newspaper. "Don't be old fashioned. Here, use my iPad". That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

**SanteeFats** · September 30th, 2014, 11:31 PM

They have just uncovered a scrap of scripture that is the earliest ever written. It concerns God's creation of Eve. Turns out she was not to be called woman but whoa man.

**Jonno71** · October 1st, 2014, 12:38 PM

I was standing in the queue at the supermarket this morning when the woman in front of me started swearing, insulting, jeering, making obscene gestures at me. Then picking up and throwing around my items, criticizing, belittling me and being very immature and very condescending. Enough was enough I thought and so I told her off.

“Excuse me, but can you just finish scanning my items so I can bag them, pay for them and leave?”

**retroanalyst** · October 1st, 2014, 03:04 PM

I just overheard my girlfriend telling her sister that she's taking her retarded boyfriend to the pub tonight.

I can't believe the bitch is cheating on me.

September 29th, 2014, 06:06 PM	#8616
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,584 Thanks: 37,948 Thanked 127,844 Times in 3,571 Posts	The professor has kindly gathered all jokes repeated on this thread. And put them in a handy PDF for your perusal: Richard Wiseman ‏@RichardWiseman Free PDF of 1001 jokes from our Laughlab project. http://richardwiseman.files.wordpres.../09/jokes1.pdf … __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

October 1st, 2014, 03:04 PM	#8620
retroanalyst in memoriam Max Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Germany Posts: 3,586 Thanks: 122,080 Thanked 47,469 Times in 3,337 Posts	I just overheard my girlfriend telling her sister that she's taking her retarded boyfriend to the pub tonight. I can't believe the bitch is cheating on me. __________________ Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

September 27th, 2014, 05:14 PM	#8611
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,236 Thanks: 19,903 Thanked 69,347 Times in 3,173 Posts	Now, my dad swore to me, he swore to my mum and he swore to my brothers and sisters. In fact, he was a right foul-mouthed git.

September 27th, 2014, 08:05 PM	#8612
PJayBr Vintage Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: In front of my PC with my cock in my hand...... Posts: 1,321 Thanks: 42,168 Thanked 13,767 Times in 1,290 Posts	Met a guy who grew bonsai trees as a business. Been so succesful he's had to move into smaller premises..... PJayBr

September 27th, 2014, 08:36 PM	#8613
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,963 Times in 1,503 Posts	I’ve been banned from my local library today after using their computer when I was requested to “please log out before leaving.” The cleaner said she did not appreciate finding shit on the chair.

September 28th, 2014, 10:32 PM	#8614
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,963 Times in 1,503 Posts	I will never forget when I met Julia online. We chatted for days and days and finally I picked up the courage to ask her out on a date. I was so relieved to find out she was older than I first thought and held a professional job. I am so happy she is my girlfriend… or as my cell mate keeps reminding me “that cop bitch that arrested you and sent you down for pedophilia.”

September 29th, 2014, 03:01 PM	#8615
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,437 Times in 60,964 Posts	Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols: It was considered a unique find and the writings were thought to be at least 3000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society, pointed to first drawing and said: This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey. So they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said .... "Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick...!"

September 29th, 2014, 06:41 PM	#8617
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,963 Times in 1,503 Posts	I asked the wife to pass me a newspaper. "Don't be old fashioned. Here, use my iPad". That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

September 30th, 2014, 11:31 PM	#8618
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,437 Times in 60,964 Posts	They have just uncovered a scrap of scripture that is the earliest ever written. It concerns God's creation of Eve. Turns out she was not to be called woman but whoa man.

October 1st, 2014, 12:38 PM	#8619
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,963 Times in 1,503 Posts	I was standing in the queue at the supermarket this morning when the woman in front of me started swearing, insulting, jeering, making obscene gestures at me. Then picking up and throwing around my items, criticizing, belittling me and being very immature and very condescending. Enough was enough I thought and so I told her off. “Excuse me, but can you just finish scanning my items so I can bag them, pay for them and leave?”