Post your corny jokes - Page 1259

harpozappa · August 5th, 2017, 11:12 PM

Just found the site a week or two ago. Been reading this thread ever since. Now, the payback. Err...paying you back for all the great jokes!

Two old men (Fred and George, as it happens) used to sit on the front porch of the retirement home. Every day. Never talking, just rocking back and forth. Two of the old ladies at the home were desperately trying to get their attention. For months they'd put on a new outfit every day and parade up and down the sidewalk. The old guys never even looked their way.

One day one of the old ladies says, "I've got an idea that'll surely get them to notice us. We'll walk by 'em stark naked!"

So the old birds strip off and walk past the old guys. Fred turns to George and says, "Hey, could you see what they were wearing today?"

George says, "Well, my eyesight isn't what it used to be so not really. Sure did need ironing, though!"

harpozappa · August 5th, 2017, 11:28 PM

Now, the tales of Annabelle and Clementine. Best told together.

Annabelle is sitting on the front porch of her Antebellum mansion with her good friend Clementine.

Annabelle says, "Clementine, do you see this lovely house we are sitting on the porch of, drinking ice tea on this lovely afternoon?"

Clementine says, "Of course."

Annabelle, "Well, my husband bought me this lovely house."

Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!"

Annabelle continues, "And do you see those lovely Cadillac automobiles in the driveway? My husband bought me those lovely automobiles."

Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!"

Annabelle brags on, "And you've been behind the house and seen the Olympic sized swimming pool? My husband bought me that Olympic sized swimming pool."

Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!"

Annabelle looks at Clementine and asks,"My husband has done all these nice things for me, what has your husband ever done for you?"

Clementine says, "He sent me to charm school."

Annabelle asks, "Charm school? What in the world did Charm School do for you?"

"Well, I USED to say 'Go fuck yourself, Bitch'. Now I say 'Well, I do declare!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clementine took a vacation to the big city. She sat down on the plane and, being a Southerner and a friendly sort, turns to the well-dressed lady next to her and says, "Where ya'll from?"

The lady turns to her and very haughtily says, "Where I originate we don't end our sentences in a preposition."

Clementine says, "Oh, pardon me. Where ya'll from, Bitch?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, Clementine returns from her vacation and can't wait to tell Annabelle all about it.

"Annabelle, do you know that in the city they have men that kiss other men right on the lips?"

"Whatever do they call them?"

"They call them queers. And Annabelle, do you know they have women that will kiss other women right on the lips?"

"Oh My Stars! What do they call them?"

"They call them Lesbians. And do you know that in the city they have got men that will kiss a woman right between her legs?"

"OH MY HEAVENS! What do they call THEM?"

"I don't know what THEY call them, but as soon as I caught my breath I called him Precious!"

**Jake Gittes** · August 6th, 2017, 09:17 AM

I once suggested to my friend who had suffered a long depression that it was time to see a psychologist.

He didn't know what a psychologist was.

I told him it was a doctor that helped you with problems that were in your head.

He started laughing and I didn't know why so I asked him.

He said for a second he thought a psychologist was a doctor that helped guys get head.

**anothercustom** · August 6th, 2017, 09:50 AM

People who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" annoy me. There so stupid.

**rosestone** · August 6th, 2017, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anothercustom

People who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" annoy me. There so stupid.

Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

**Mal Hombre** · August 6th, 2017, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosestone

Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

Or

"Eats shoots and leaves" A Giraffe..
"Eats,shoots and leaves" Ron Jeremy...

**gmcbee** · August 6th, 2017, 12:49 PM

The guy goes to the doctor, and the news is not good.

Guy: Well, Doc, how long have I got?
Doc: 10
Guy: Ten WHAT?
Doc: 9

**effCup** · August 6th, 2017, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosestone

Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

Also grammar?: they're not necessarily mutually exclusive.

e.g. Steve Jobs: pun unintended.

**anothercustom** · August 6th, 2017, 08:16 PM

The NHS reckons that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I've done the calculations and figured out that I'm immortal.

**maildude** · August 6th, 2017, 08:40 PM

The Law of Sound: While waiting for a pizza delivery at your house, you can hear every car door close within a 5 mile radius.

August 6th, 2017, 09:17 AM	#12583
Jake Gittes Swimming in Ecstasy Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Skinny dipping with mermaids in a beautiful, uncharted tropical paradise Posts: 6,093 Thanks: 145,461 Thanked 106,391 Times in 6,174 Posts	Uh oh... I once suggested to my friend who had suffered a long depression that it was time to see a psychologist. He didn't know what a psychologist was. I told him it was a doctor that helped you with problems that were in your head. He started laughing and I didn't know why so I asked him. He said for a second he thought a psychologist was a doctor that helped guys get head. __________________ If you come across a dead link in a post, PM the OP to see if it can be re-uploaded To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Please consider adding a note in your signature if you can re-upload your photos/video links To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Please PM me if any of my posts are down To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Life is easier when you don't take it too seriously To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

August 6th, 2017, 08:40 PM	#12590
maildude Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: In postal purgatory Posts: 760 Thanks: 1,162 Thanked 14,111 Times in 748 Posts	The Law of Sound: While waiting for a pizza delivery at your house, you can hear every car door close within a 5 mile radius. __________________ LET FREEDOM WAIT

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

August 5th, 2017, 11:12 PM	#12581
harpozappa Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2017 Location: The High Desert, California Posts: 3 Thanks: 49 Thanked 67 Times in 3 Posts	Just found the site a week or two ago. Been reading this thread ever since. Now, the payback. Err...paying you back for all the great jokes! Two old men (Fred and George, as it happens) used to sit on the front porch of the retirement home. Every day. Never talking, just rocking back and forth. Two of the old ladies at the home were desperately trying to get their attention. For months they'd put on a new outfit every day and parade up and down the sidewalk. The old guys never even looked their way. One day one of the old ladies says, "I've got an idea that'll surely get them to notice us. We'll walk by 'em stark naked!" So the old birds strip off and walk past the old guys. Fred turns to George and says, "Hey, could you see what they were wearing today?" George says, "Well, my eyesight isn't what it used to be so not really. Sure did need ironing, though!"

August 5th, 2017, 11:28 PM	#12582
harpozappa Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2017 Location: The High Desert, California Posts: 3 Thanks: 49 Thanked 67 Times in 3 Posts	Now, the tales of Annabelle and Clementine. Best told together. Annabelle is sitting on the front porch of her Antebellum mansion with her good friend Clementine. Annabelle says, "Clementine, do you see this lovely house we are sitting on the porch of, drinking ice tea on this lovely afternoon?" Clementine says, "Of course." Annabelle, "Well, my husband bought me this lovely house." Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!" Annabelle continues, "And do you see those lovely Cadillac automobiles in the driveway? My husband bought me those lovely automobiles." Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!" Annabelle brags on, "And you've been behind the house and seen the Olympic sized swimming pool? My husband bought me that Olympic sized swimming pool." Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!" Annabelle looks at Clementine and asks,"My husband has done all these nice things for me, what has your husband ever done for you?" Clementine says, "He sent me to charm school." Annabelle asks, "Charm school? What in the world did Charm School do for you?" "Well, I USED to say 'Go fuck yourself, Bitch'. Now I say 'Well, I do declare!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clementine took a vacation to the big city. She sat down on the plane and, being a Southerner and a friendly sort, turns to the well-dressed lady next to her and says, "Where ya'll from?" The lady turns to her and very haughtily says, "Where I originate we don't end our sentences in a preposition." Clementine says, "Oh, pardon me. Where ya'll from, Bitch?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, Clementine returns from her vacation and can't wait to tell Annabelle all about it. "Annabelle, do you know that in the city they have men that kiss other men right on the lips?" "Whatever do they call them?" "They call them queers. And Annabelle, do you know they have women that will kiss other women right on the lips?" "Oh My Stars! What do they call them?" "They call them Lesbians. And do you know that in the city they have got men that will kiss a woman right between her legs?" "OH MY HEAVENS! What do they call THEM?" "I don't know what THEY call them, but as soon as I caught my breath I called him Precious!"

August 6th, 2017, 09:50 AM	#12584
anothercustom Vintage Member Join Date: Dec 2016 Posts: 4,950 Thanks: 25,742 Thanked 123,748 Times in 5,161 Posts	People who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" annoy me. There so stupid.

August 6th, 2017, 12:49 PM	#12587
gmcbee Vintage Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Clinging to the rim of a crater on the dark side of Uranus. Posts: 1,065 Thanks: 3,961 Thanked 11,051 Times in 1,042 Posts	The guy goes to the doctor, and the news is not good. Guy: Well, Doc, how long have I got? Doc: 10 Guy: Ten WHAT? Doc: 9

August 6th, 2017, 08:16 PM	#12589
anothercustom Vintage Member Join Date: Dec 2016 Posts: 4,950 Thanks: 25,742 Thanked 123,748 Times in 5,161 Posts	The NHS reckons that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I've done the calculations and figured out that I'm immortal.