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August 5th, 2017, 11:12 PM | #12581 |
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Just found the site a week or two ago. Been reading this thread ever since. Now, the payback. Err...paying you back for all the great jokes!
Two old men (Fred and George, as it happens) used to sit on the front porch of the retirement home. Every day. Never talking, just rocking back and forth. Two of the old ladies at the home were desperately trying to get their attention. For months they'd put on a new outfit every day and parade up and down the sidewalk. The old guys never even looked their way. One day one of the old ladies says, "I've got an idea that'll surely get them to notice us. We'll walk by 'em stark naked!" So the old birds strip off and walk past the old guys. Fred turns to George and says, "Hey, could you see what they were wearing today?" George says, "Well, my eyesight isn't what it used to be so not really. Sure did need ironing, though!" |
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August 5th, 2017, 11:28 PM | #12582 |
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Now, the tales of Annabelle and Clementine. Best told together.
Annabelle is sitting on the front porch of her Antebellum mansion with her good friend Clementine. Annabelle says, "Clementine, do you see this lovely house we are sitting on the porch of, drinking ice tea on this lovely afternoon?" Clementine says, "Of course." Annabelle, "Well, my husband bought me this lovely house." Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!" Annabelle continues, "And do you see those lovely Cadillac automobiles in the driveway? My husband bought me those lovely automobiles." Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!" Annabelle brags on, "And you've been behind the house and seen the Olympic sized swimming pool? My husband bought me that Olympic sized swimming pool." Clementine says, "Well, I do declare!" Annabelle looks at Clementine and asks,"My husband has done all these nice things for me, what has your husband ever done for you?" Clementine says, "He sent me to charm school." Annabelle asks, "Charm school? What in the world did Charm School do for you?" "Well, I USED to say 'Go fuck yourself, Bitch'. Now I say 'Well, I do declare!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clementine took a vacation to the big city. She sat down on the plane and, being a Southerner and a friendly sort, turns to the well-dressed lady next to her and says, "Where ya'll from?" The lady turns to her and very haughtily says, "Where I originate we don't end our sentences in a preposition." Clementine says, "Oh, pardon me. Where ya'll from, Bitch?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, Clementine returns from her vacation and can't wait to tell Annabelle all about it. "Annabelle, do you know that in the city they have men that kiss other men right on the lips?" "Whatever do they call them?" "They call them queers. And Annabelle, do you know they have women that will kiss other women right on the lips?" "Oh My Stars! What do they call them?" "They call them Lesbians. And do you know that in the city they have got men that will kiss a woman right between her legs?" "OH MY HEAVENS! What do they call THEM?" "I don't know what THEY call them, but as soon as I caught my breath I called him Precious!" |
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August 6th, 2017, 09:17 AM | #12583 |
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Uh oh...
I once suggested to my friend who had suffered a long depression that it was time to see a psychologist.
He didn't know what a psychologist was. I told him it was a doctor that helped you with problems that were in your head. He started laughing and I didn't know why so I asked him. He said for a second he thought a psychologist was a doctor that helped guys get head.
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August 6th, 2017, 09:50 AM | #12584 |
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People who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" annoy me. There so stupid.
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August 6th, 2017, 10:05 AM | #12585 |
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August 6th, 2017, 10:12 AM | #12586 | |
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Quote:
"Eats shoots and leaves" A Giraffe.. "Eats,shoots and leaves" Ron Jeremy...
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August 6th, 2017, 12:49 PM | #12587 |
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The guy goes to the doctor, and the news is not good.
Guy: Well, Doc, how long have I got? Doc: 10 Guy: Ten WHAT? Doc: 9 |
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August 6th, 2017, 01:30 PM | #12588 |
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August 6th, 2017, 08:16 PM | #12589 |
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The NHS reckons that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I've done the calculations and figured out that I'm immortal.
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August 6th, 2017, 08:40 PM | #12590 |
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The Law of Sound: While waiting for a pizza delivery at your house, you can hear every car door close within a 5 mile radius.
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