Post your corny jokes - Page 1118

**SanteeFats** · June 24th, 2016, 09:09 PM

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe." Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

**photoflex** · June 25th, 2016, 10:33 PM

Dear God,

Last month you took my favorite musician, Prince.
Last week you took my favorite boxer, Muhammad Ali.
Then you took my favorite hockey player, Gordie.
I just want to let you know that my favorite politician is Donald Trump.

Yours
sincerely,

**bp666** · June 25th, 2016, 10:45 PM

Answered the door in my bath robe today. Funny place for a door.

~~}[eywood~~ · June 26th, 2016, 07:28 AM

I heard about a new store called Moderation. They have everything in there

Estreeter · June 26th, 2016, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by photoflex

Dear God,

Reminds me of a joke I heard this week...

This 80 year old man walk into a confessional, kneels before the Priest and tells him the following.....

Father, last night I had sex with 23 year old twins at the same time, The priest then looks at him and notices his attire and asks, "Son, what faith are you from"

The 80 year old replies "I'm Jewish"
The Priest then asks "what are you telling me this for"

So, he replied. "It's not just you Father, I'm telling everyone"

**Almero** · June 26th, 2016, 02:18 PM

I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex.

They know my name isn't Someone Help.

My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me.

I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

How do women defy the laws of physics?

The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

I've been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

**SanteeFats** · June 26th, 2016, 02:25 PM

Why do Polish dogs have flat faces? From chasing so many parked cars.

Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they have such small ears.

Estreeter · June 26th, 2016, 02:28 PM

This infectious disease walks into a pub, The Barman saw the disease and said."we don't serve your type here"

So, the disease said, "Well then you're not a good host"

**Silklover** · June 26th, 2016, 07:50 PM

The missionary man speaks to a black man who is unusually well endowed.
- My son, I will teach you christianity if you show me how to grow a pecker like that.

IronHerder · June 27th, 2016, 12:29 AM

These are a few of my favourite corny quotes

Unnecessary, tedious & tendentious explanation: The quotes that I contribute to the quotes thread seem to fall into 3 categories: some are profound (or sorta profound), others are sorta profound & sorta funny, and there are a few that are sorta funny but in no way profound. Here are the quotes from that last group, all written by anonymous, except for one contribution by me. Which says something I'd rather not acknowledge.

Alarm clocks make people rise and whine

Atheism is a non–prophet organization

Be darn proud that you are modest

Buckle up, it makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car

Carpe Diem (pluck the day; seize the day; NOT ‘fish of the day’)

A Day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle

Dijon Vu: the same mustard as before

Entrepreneurs fail 3.8 times before they succeed, and if necessary, they make up additional statistics

Every once in a while I feel like a 20-year-old, but there’s never an accommodating one around

Forget health food, I need all the preservatives that I can get

Hanging’s too good for punsters, they should be drawn and quoted

Help Wanted: Telepath – If you know where to apply, you’re hired

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically-challenged

He who runneth in front of car gets tired, he who runneth behind gets exhausted

History doesn’t repeat itself, but historians repeat each other as if there’s no future

A Home is where some of the family waits for the others to bring back the car

I can’t walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol

I childproofed my house, but they still get in

I'm proud that, of the seven deadly sins, I am only guilty of one (by yours truly)

June 25th, 2016, 10:33 PM	#11172
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,584 Thanks: 37,948 Thanked 127,846 Times in 3,571 Posts	Dear God, Last month you took my favorite musician, Prince. Last week you took my favorite boxer, Muhammad Ali. Then you took my favorite hockey player, Gordie. I just want to let you know that my favorite politician is Donald Trump. Yours sincerely, __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

June 26th, 2016, 02:18 PM	#11176
Almero Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: From Russia with love Posts: 1,432 Thanks: 13,926 Thanked 25,346 Times in 1,425 Posts	I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex. They know my name isn't Someone Help. My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife. I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.' If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself. On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice? So... Can I come inside? How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber. Last edited by Almero; June 26th, 2016 at 02:25 PM..

June 26th, 2016, 02:28 PM	#11178
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,189 Thanks: 450,173 Thanked 897,603 Times in 60,391 Posts	This infectious disease walks into a pub, The Barman saw the disease and said."we don't serve your type here" So, the disease said, "Well then you're not a good host" __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

June 27th, 2016, 12:29 AM	#11180
IronHerder Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Fly Over State, USA Posts: 131 Thanks: 5,115 Thanked 2,923 Times in 131 Posts	These are a few of my favourite corny quotes These are a few of my favourite corny quotes Unnecessary, tedious & tendentious explanation: The quotes that I contribute to the quotes thread seem to fall into 3 categories: some are profound (or sorta profound), others are sorta profound & sorta funny, and there are a few that are sorta funny but in no way profound. Here are the quotes from that last group, all written by anonymous, except for one contribution by me. Which says something I'd rather not acknowledge. Alarm clocks make people rise and whine Atheism is a non–prophet organization Be darn proud that you are modest Buckle up, it makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car Carpe Diem (pluck the day; seize the day; NOT ‘fish of the day’) A Day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle Dijon Vu: the same mustard as before Entrepreneurs fail 3.8 times before they succeed, and if necessary, they make up additional statistics Every once in a while I feel like a 20-year-old, but there’s never an accommodating one around Forget health food, I need all the preservatives that I can get Hanging’s too good for punsters, they should be drawn and quoted Help Wanted: Telepath – If you know where to apply, you’re hired He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically-challenged He who runneth in front of car gets tired, he who runneth behind gets exhausted History doesn’t repeat itself, but historians repeat each other as if there’s no future A Home is where some of the family waits for the others to bring back the car I can’t walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol I childproofed my house, but they still get in I'm proud that, of the seven deadly sins, I am only guilty of one (by yours truly) __________________ "Never willfully ignore beauty, because we have a moral and religious obligation to appreciate God's creation" (copyright 2011, IronHerder)

June 24th, 2016, 09:09 PM	#11171
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,469 Times in 60,964 Posts	Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe." Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

June 25th, 2016, 10:45 PM	#11173
bp666 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,077 Thanks: 77,658 Thanked 14,213 Times in 1,078 Posts	Answered the door in my bath robe today. Funny place for a door.

June 26th, 2016, 07:28 AM	#11174
~~}[eywood~~ Banned! Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: NY Posts: 548 Thanks: 123 Thanked 3,505 Times in 511 Posts	I heard about a new store called Moderation. They have everything in there

June 26th, 2016, 02:25 PM	#11177
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,469 Times in 60,964 Posts	Why do Polish dogs have flat faces? From chasing so many parked cars. Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they have such small ears.

June 26th, 2016, 07:50 PM	#11179
Silklover Vintage Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Next to you Posts: 1,253 Thanks: 17,281 Thanked 17,823 Times in 1,241 Posts	The missionary man speaks to a black man who is unusually well endowed. - My son, I will teach you christianity if you show me how to grow a pecker like that.