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Old 11-25-2016, 08:29 PM   #12121
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
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Old 11-25-2016, 10:04 PM   #12122
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A 90-year-old man shows up at a whorehouse. He slaps his $100 bucks down on the counter, but all the girls just laugh at him. Except for one kind-hearted girl, who takes his money and walks him upstairs. No sooner do they get into the room and undressed, than the old man makes the most wild, energetic and passionate love to the hooker...the best she'd ever had.
"Wow! You're unbelievable!" she says, adding, "Let's do it again...on the house!"
"Okay," the oldie says, "but first I'll have to take a 15-minute nap, during which you must hold onto my penis with both hands."
The hooker agrees, and after awakening the man repeats his incredible performance.
"Let's do it again...I'll even pay YOU!!" she exclaims. "But first, I gotta know...what's with the nap and the hands-on-your-penis bit??"
The old man answers, "As far as the nap is concerned, hey...I'm 90 years old. And the holding my penis with both hands? Well, the last time I was in here, one of the girls stole my wallet."
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Old 11-26-2016, 09:30 AM   #12123
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Here's some Tim Vine

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’
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Old 11-26-2016, 12:37 PM   #12124
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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl.
"Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool!"
Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson."


Is anyone in Germany about to go to the elections with the slogan " make Germany great again"?
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Old 11-26-2016, 01:13 PM   #12125
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Almero View Post

Is anyone in Germany about to go to the elections with the slogan " make Germany great again"?
If anyone used the slogan "Grossdeutschland" It might cause division....
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The nakedness of woman is the work of God-William Blake

It is a porn site,But it's a Classy porn site.
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Old 11-26-2016, 03:51 PM   #12126
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Do you know why women aren't allowed in space? To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!" "What is the problem?" "Yeah, great, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!"
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The above is obviously an old joke, because women astronauts do go into space now.
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What would you call a very funny mountain? Hill Arious"
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How do you know the ocean greets you?-- It waves.
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What goes up and down but never moves? The stairs!
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Doctor says to his patient: "You have Cancer and Alzheimers."
Patient: "At least I don't have Cancer."
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A wife complains to her husband: "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?" "Are you mad? I barely know the woman!"
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Old 11-26-2016, 03:55 PM   #12127
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trailmaster View Post
...women ... do go into space now.
Now if we could just find a way to leave them there...
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Old 11-28-2016, 12:02 PM   #12128
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They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on-the prices are way too high, plus I haven't had a barbecue in months.
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Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his cell phone with trembling fingers and call 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
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My wife divorced me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.
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Why haven't you ever seen any elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really, really good at it.
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We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael."
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Old 11-28-2016, 01:51 PM   #12129
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Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % certainty you'd stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.
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Old 11-29-2016, 12:16 AM   #12130
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3 months ago I stopped drinking alcohol, stopped smoking, had no more sugar and started doing exercise for 30 minutes every day.
I feel clean, more energetic, I've lost weight and I am mentally more balanced.
I'll continue this and even increase my exercise to a full hour and take yoga classes.

I don't know whose status this is, but it said Please copy & share!

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