Post your corny jokes

[tygrkhat40]

Scientists have received pictures from the Mars lander that confirms life on the Red Planet. It filmed a large plant that opened it's flower, revealing a large eye in the center. The eye began to open and close as the flower pulled up from the ground and began to rotate. finally, it burst into flames, destroying itself. Scientists have no idea what to call the blooming, blinking, flipping, flaming thing.

Ronnie Corbett told something similar on The Two Ronnies.

[tun]

Oh no - the man who repointed my chimney wants paying. I thought it was on the house.

[SanteeFats]

whats the best thing about schizophrenia?

It turns a wank into an orgy!


what does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex ?. It means your in the wrong house!

[ruffroundedges]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

[snark]

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

What did the drummer say to the rest of the band - "shall I start the next song too fast or too slow" ?

[ruffroundedges]

Originally Posted by snark

What did the drummer say to the rest of the band - "shall I start the next song too fast or too slow" ?

That only happens when the front man Diva's up

How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.


What's the last thing a drummer says in a band before he gets fired?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

[SanteeFats]

3 men watching a lap dancer, cockney , brummie and a scouser , cockney pulls a £20 note and sticks it on her left buttock, brummie pulls a tenner and sticks it on her right buttock , scouser pulls out his stolen visa and swipes it beteen her arse cheeks and takes £40 cashback

Glasgow guy sees a job advertised for a fanny waxer’s assistant, job involves removing ladies panties and prepare fanny for waxing, after waxing rub oil into hairless area, he asks about job and is told to go to Plymouth . "Why is that where job is?" he asked "no , it’s the back of the queue", was the reply

[wimbo77]

Q: How does Moses make his tea ?

A: Hebrews it

'' Renewable Energy. I'm a huge Fan. ''

[Desert Dream]

I’ve been searching for months for my girlfriend’s killer…

…but no one will do it.



What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, and your house back.



Why didn’t the Mexican man go bow hunting?

Because he didn’t habanero.



How do you win an argument with your zombie girlfriend?

Give her a piece of your mind.

[captpike]

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started..

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started..

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.