Bill Engvall and friends

**SanteeFats** · October 21st, 2014, 10:57 PM

Bill Engvall is an American stand up comic. He goes on tour with Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and Ron White. Feel free to add any of them if you chose. I am concentrating on Mr. Engvall.

My girl in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor, she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right! i'll be waitin right here! well maybe here, oh hell you'll see me" A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill. Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause I'll kill him. Okay?"

[playing golf with his friends]

So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and . . . kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."

**SanteeFats** · October 21st, 2014, 11:00 PM

I took my son to the mall the other day to see Santa Claus
The woman in line behind me says "hey is that Santa Claus up there"?
I said "no ma'm, it's a Kenny Rodgers stunt double"

The other day I bought a wreath to go on our front door
as I was walking out the store a man stopped me and said
"hey, are you going to hang that on your door"?
I said "no sir, it's a Christmas toilet seat cover, got the idea from Martha Stewart"

**tygrkhat40** · October 22nd, 2014, 04:43 PM

Bill once got caught in his own trap. He was at the mall and saw a guy trying to unlock his car door with a coat hanger. Bill asked, "Did you lock your keys in the car?" The answer was, "Nope, just washed her now I'm gonna hang her up."

Here's your sign...

**brk549** · October 22nd, 2014, 07:40 PM

Have you seen his dork fish routine.First time I saw it I couldn't get my breath for laughing.

**SanteeFats** · October 22nd, 2014, 08:00 PM

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

**SanteeFats** · October 23rd, 2014, 08:04 PM

I took my son to the mall the other day to see Santa Claus
The woman in line behind me says "hey is that Santa Claus up there"?
I said "no ma'm, it's a Kenny Rodgers stunt double"

The other day I bought a wreath to go on our front door
as I was walking out the store a man stopped me and said
"hey, are you going to hang that on your door"?
I said "no sir, it's a Christmas toilet seat cover, got the idea from Martha Stewart"

**tygrkhat40** · October 24th, 2014, 02:50 PM

Ron White on his homophobic cousin, "Ray."

Ron: It's a waste of time to be homophobic, because everyone is a little gay, and I'll prove it.
Ray: OK, prove it.
Ron: Do you like porn?
Ray: Of course I do, you know I like porn.
Ron: Do you only watch two women, or do you watch a man and a woman?
Ray: I'll watch a man and a woman making love.
Ron: Do you want the man to have a limp, flaccid penis?
Ray: No, I like big, hard, throbbing co--

--I did not know that about myself.

**SanteeFats** · October 24th, 2014, 04:26 PM

I like some of Ron White's stuff too. Here is one.

I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, "Go around!". We get halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It's a 9-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they take told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Sure did." It was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't give a shit." You ever have one of those days? "Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes "Hey man! Hey, man! Hey, man! If one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us?" Ron: "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"

**SanteeFats** · October 26th, 2014, 03:49 PM

These are from Larry the Cable Guy:
I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.

I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.”
I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.
Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He’s like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we’re back to green flag racing!

One year my dad bought my mom a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When she was in a good mood it was blue and when she was in a bad mood it made a red mark upside my dad’s head.

**SanteeFats** · November 16th, 2014, 09:07 PM

Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. That's it.

Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room.

Remember that first year of marriage, when you went to the bathroom? Oh, lock the bathroom door, turn on the shower, because god forbid they knew you were going poo. Twenty years later, that bathroom door is wide open...you're saying "Bring the camera!"
Remember that first year of marriage, you'd come home and go "Ugh, what a bad day at work" and you're wife would go, "Oh, they shouldn't be treating you so bad. Here, go sit down, I'll get you a beer, you can tell me all about it." Twenty years later, you come home, "Ugh, I had a bad day at work," she's going, "YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THIS HOUSE TODAY?! While you were at your 'job'?"

October 21st, 2014, 10:57 PM	#1
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,401 Times in 60,962 Posts	Bill Engvall and friends Bill Engvall is an American stand up comic. He goes on tour with Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and Ron White. Feel free to add any of them if you chose. I am concentrating on Mr. Engvall. My girl in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor, she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right! i'll be waitin right here! well maybe here, oh hell you'll see me" A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill. Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause I'll kill him. Okay?" [playing golf with his friends] So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and . . . kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."

October 21st, 2014, 11:00 PM	#2
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,401 Times in 60,962 Posts	A couple more I took my son to the mall the other day to see Santa Claus The woman in line behind me says "hey is that Santa Claus up there"? I said "no ma'm, it's a Kenny Rodgers stunt double" The other day I bought a wreath to go on our front door as I was walking out the store a man stopped me and said "hey, are you going to hang that on your door"? I said "no sir, it's a Christmas toilet seat cover, got the idea from Martha Stewart"

October 22nd, 2014, 04:43 PM	#3
tygrkhat40 Long Suffering Bills Fan Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: The City of Good Neighbors Posts: 9,669 Thanks: 304,243 Thanked 153,135 Times in 9,629 Posts	Bill once got caught in his own trap. He was at the mall and saw a guy trying to unlock his car door with a coat hanger. Bill asked, "Did you lock your keys in the car?" The answer was, "Nope, just washed her now I'm gonna hang her up." Here's your sign... __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

October 22nd, 2014, 08:00 PM	#5
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,401 Times in 60,962 Posts	About dogs That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

October 23rd, 2014, 08:04 PM	#6
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,401 Times in 60,962 Posts	Christmas I took my son to the mall the other day to see Santa Claus The woman in line behind me says "hey is that Santa Claus up there"? I said "no ma'm, it's a Kenny Rodgers stunt double" The other day I bought a wreath to go on our front door as I was walking out the store a man stopped me and said "hey, are you going to hang that on your door"? I said "no sir, it's a Christmas toilet seat cover, got the idea from Martha Stewart"

October 22nd, 2014, 07:40 PM	#4
brk549 Vintage Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 1,122 Thanks: 20,226 Thanked 7,179 Times in 1,046 Posts	Have you seen his dork fish routine.First time I saw it I couldn't get my breath for laughing.

October 24th, 2014, 02:50 PM	#7
tygrkhat40 Long Suffering Bills Fan Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: The City of Good Neighbors Posts: 9,669 Thanks: 304,243 Thanked 153,135 Times in 9,629 Posts	Ron White on his homophobic cousin, "Ray." Ron: It's a waste of time to be homophobic, because everyone is a little gay, and I'll prove it. Ray: OK, prove it. Ron: Do you like porn? Ray: Of course I do, you know I like porn. Ron: Do you only watch two women, or do you watch a man and a woman? Ray: I'll watch a man and a woman making love. Ron: Do you want the man to have a limp, flaccid penis? Ray: No, I like big, hard, throbbing co----I did not know that about myself. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

October 24th, 2014, 04:26 PM	#8
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,401 Times in 60,962 Posts	I like some of Ron White's stuff too. Here is one. I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, "Go around!". We get halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It's a 9-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they take told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Sure did." It was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't give a shit." You ever have one of those days? "Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes "Hey man! Hey, man! Hey, man! If one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us?" Ron: "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"

October 26th, 2014, 03:49 PM	#9
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,401 Times in 60,962 Posts	These are from Larry the Cable Guy: I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late. I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.” I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license. Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He’s like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we’re back to green flag racing! One year my dad bought my mom a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When she was in a good mood it was blue and when she was in a bad mood it made a red mark upside my dad’s head.

November 16th, 2014, 09:07 PM	#10
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,915 Thanks: 282,079 Thanked 815,401 Times in 60,962 Posts	Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. That's it. Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room. Remember that first year of marriage, when you went to the bathroom? Oh, lock the bathroom door, turn on the shower, because god forbid they knew you were going poo. Twenty years later, that bathroom door is wide open...you're saying "Bring the camera!" Remember that first year of marriage, you'd come home and go "Ugh, what a bad day at work" and you're wife would go, "Oh, they shouldn't be treating you so bad. Here, go sit down, I'll get you a beer, you can tell me all about it." Twenty years later, you come home, "Ugh, I had a bad day at work," she's going, "YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THIS HOUSE TODAY?! While you were at your 'job'?"