post your corny jokes

[P37]

Drugs

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your a&%£hole before prison, ..."

[slisse]

Husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

[skye22]

In the morning, a blonde enters a restaurant with a carton of orange juice. She puts the orange juice on the table and stares at it.

The store is about to close down and the blonde is still staring at the orange juice. A waiter comes and asks the blonde, "Excuse me, we are about to close for the evening, I'm afraid your going to have to leave."

"No" They blonde replies.

"Why not?" questions the waiter.

"The carton says "concentrate".

[skye22]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

[taffy2]

Cabbie Rhys Parry was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado.

When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed him Cardiff Castle and he said his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build.

When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

He replied: “I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”

[electile disfunction]

Originally Posted by Jeff Vader

On a similar theme, I have worked with a Dutch woman called Fanny de Groot, which translates as big or great Fanny. She was also quite tall which didn't help.

I knew a Bud Wiser.

_____

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally, he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town. After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope, the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm.

"Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?" asked the man.

"Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," said the doctor. When the doctor noticed the puzzled look on his patient's face, he said, "It's slightly unorthodox, but trust me. I'm the doctor."

The next day, the man brought in the hardboiled egg and the lemon cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over," said the doctor.

"What?" said the man.

"Trust me. I'm the doctor."

The man dropped his pants and bent over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoved the egg up his rear end. "Whoa! Hold on a minute!" screamed the man.

"Just hold still and trust me." Then, SWOOSH! Up went the lemon cookie! "Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," said the doctor. When the patient started to protest, the doctor said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

The man came in the following day with the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over," said the doctor.

"This again?" yelled the man.

"Trust me. I'm the doctor." The man dropped his pants and bent over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoved the egg up his rear end.

"Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!" said the man. A moment later, SWOOSH! Up went the lemon cookie.

"Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie," said the doctor. As the man started to shake his head, the doctor said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

This went on all week until one day, after the man pulled up his pants, the doctor said, "Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer." As the man turned pale, the doctor said, "It will be over tomorrow. Trust me. I'm the doctor."

The man got no sleep that night, worried to death about what the hammer would feel like when it was shoved up his rear end. He almost stayed home, but he still felt sick. So far, the treatments hadn't helped, and he was afraid that he'd have to start over if he went to a new doctor.

The man came in the next day and brought the hard boiled egg and the hammer. "Drop your pants and bend over," said the doctor.

"But why do we need a hammer?" asked the man nervously.

"Trust me. I'm the doctor."

The man dropped his pants and bent over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoved the egg up his rear end. "Please!" said the man, terrified of what was to come next.

"Hold still, we′re almost done." A minute later, the man was about to pass out from terror, and he was involuntarily clenching his rear end as tight as he could. Then nothing happened. Several more minutes passed, and he started to relax.

The man was about to straighten up and ask the doctor what had happened, when the tapeworm stuck its head out of his rear end and yelled, "Where's my lemon cookie?!"

And WHAM! No more worm.

e.d.

[photoflex]

I finally managed to get this beautiful girl to come to my room with me, but when I dropped my trousers she shrieked with laughter.
Then she pointed, and said: 'That's the smallest prick I've ever seen! Who do you think you're gonna satisfy with that?'

'Well,....Me!', I said.

[skye22]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

[skye22]

SEND THIS 2 YOUR GIRL FEB 14... In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.

In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.

They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.

So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!

[gmcbee]

Originally Posted by electile disfunction

I knew a Bud Wiser.

When I was a kid, Mom worked at Sears with a Mrs. Sippi.