Teacher: "Little Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand."
Johnny: "My penis in your hand."
Teacher: "What?"
Johnny: "Sorry teacher, I forgot to put a space between pen is."

I've just heard that the government might put a tax on farts.
I can see that kicking up a right stink.

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently. Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida. Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time. Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.
He said: "Hell if I know, but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says "He's in heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

Stalin is sat in his office in the Kremlin one day in early 1940 when there is a tentative knock on the door. "Come!" he barks. One of his secretaries approaches gingerly. "Comrade Stalin... you have a telegram from Comrade Trotsky... I think you should read it..." He rips the paper angrily from the woman's hand.... It says: "Stalin. I was wrong. You are right. You are the true heir of Lenin. Trotsky" Stalin beams, and summons the Praesidium to his presence. When all gathered, he reads it out, proudly. There is much cheering, back-slapping and downing of vodka. Except for Molotov, who has a worried look... "Stalin, I think you are forgetting that Trotsky is Jewish.... you should read it this way.... Ii was wrong?? YOU were right??? YOU are the true heir of Lenin???"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I suspect that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically , I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."
"But what does it tell you, Watson?" Watson is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" Holmes says, "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Accidentally upset a couple people today by calling them hipsters ,

Supposedly the correct term is "Conjoined twins".


https://t33.pixhost.to/thumbs/91/114682437_corny.jpg

I once went to my family doctor and was talking to him about something medical, and his reply was "I'll be right back I have to go google that... I mean look that up".

Why do a walruses go to tupperware parties?


Because they love a tight seal.