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Swiss T 09-04-2005 02:52 PM

Post your corny jokes
 
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."


Ouch.

far_cue 09-26-2007 08:36 AM

6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR (in reverse order)
 

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'



SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!



SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand. ;D

Peter Parker 08-27-2008 12:56 PM

Kids Are Quick
 
Kids Are Quick
___________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria
________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. < FONT face=Verdana color=red size=4> Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

derzinsky 08-27-2008 11:31 PM

Puns
 
lt is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.



4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'



7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'



8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh , this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Canned Carrott 09-12-2008 12:22 AM

Another at school gag.

The teacher asks the kids "If you were covered in something other than skin, what would you like it to be and why?"

The first kid replies "Gold, so I could scratch a bit off then gather it up and buy a BMW"

The next boy says "Platinum, because it's more expensive than gold, so if I scratched a bit off, I could get a Ferrarri".

Johnny replies "I'd like to be covered in pubic hair. My older sister's only got a little patch, but you want to see the amount of cars outside her house".

daddynick 09-13-2008 04:05 AM

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'


Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon,and martinis into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it too!!'

daddynick 09-14-2008 01:19 AM

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to
the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get
to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed
in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at
me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says 'Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on
the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep.
It Works Every Time!

steamjon 09-14-2008 10:11 PM

What's white and dribbles on the floor?




Cum dancing :eek:

daddynick 09-18-2008 02:56 AM

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller?"

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

__._,_.___

daddynick 09-18-2008 02:57 AM

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."


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