Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair - GEORGE BURNS

I wanted to go and see Bohemian Rhapsody, but....

THEY WOULD NOT LET ME GO!!!!

At least you had good weather. Thunderbolts and lightning locally kept me indoors.

My wife and I are at it like rabbits. So we're fond of lettuce and carrots....

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for one hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me... "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, Tourettes! now fc..k off you cunt!"
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

When it comes to midgets you've really gotta hand it to them ,

As often they can't reach.



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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the tv, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

Did you hear about the Dyslectic pimp ? ,

Bought himself a warehouse.



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The other day I needed to pay a visit to a public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks" After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?" The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

Hello, You've called The Incontinence Hotline ....... Would you hold the line please :)