Hello?'

'Hi honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now'

..... Brief Pause

'Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it, Daddy'

'And what happened honey?' he asked

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

***Long Pause***

******Longer Pause******



Then Daddy says: 'Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject And,
finally getting all the necessary tools together,
she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens The voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled," Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES, YES, I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know -.....I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are MEN!

These were the conversation between a couple when they were dating:

He : Finally, I can't wait!
She: Can I leave?
He : No, don't you even think about it!
She: Do you love me?
He : Ofcourse!
She: Will you betray me?
He : No, why do you even think I would do that?
She: Will you kiss me?
He : Yes!
She: Will you beat me?
He : Never!
She: Do you believe in me?

After they married, the conversation reverse. (from bottom to top)

************************************************** ****

Sarah : Doctor, I have trouble sleeping.

Doctor : Take these pill, you will meet Brad Pitt in your dream if you take the red pill, George Clooney
if you take the blue pill and Tom Cruise if you take the green pill.

Sarah : If I take them all at once?

Doctor : Then you will join Elvis.

Colonel Jackson got home early and found out his wife Anna and her lover Simon
were flirting with each other in his bedroom.

He is very angry at Simon "Get out of my house, you bastard!"
Simon "You're the one that should get out, Anna loves me!"

Simon challenges Jackson to a duel, the winner gets Anna.

They got into a room, Simon said "We'll both fire our gun to the sky and then
we both feign death, Anna will come in and approach one of us first, he will
be her chosen one."

Jackson agrees and they go on with Simon's plan. Anna rush into the room and thought
they are both dead. She approaches the big closet and says "Honey, you can come out
now, they're both dead."

2 Old Cartoons
 

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavors.
- Darling, I'll turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavor.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it isn't on yet.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject And,
finally getting all the necessary tools together,
she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens The voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed???..and Who the hell are you???