101 Things Not To Say During Sex
 

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

102. Ugh when i said it'd be great to do more things together this wasn't what i meant , dad
103. Sure i know it's seeping puss , can't you just work around it ?
104. Baaah Baaah , oh sorry i thought you were someone else
105. Wait let me open my eyes , aaaaaarrrgghhh !!!
106. But your grandma likes it
107. Hold still , i can't land a proper punch
108. If i told you i loved you , would that preempt the need for a cuddle ?
109. Whoops i think the condom broke ........... ten minutes ago


These jokes were brought to you by GreenSkull , now please click the thanks button which sends a nickel into my account

:rolleyes:

111. So that`s what an anal prolapse looks like
112. Wow can't believe i`m actually doing it with a human woman
113. Mmmmm tastes like chicken
114. Have you ever thought of embracing Jesus as your personal lord and saviour ?
115. Do you mind if my kid watches us , the TVs broke

You know i really should copyright my jokes , ah why waste time i'll just put a curse on them instead :D

Why talk during sex?

:D

Jolly

Good point.

:p

Well for me it's either that or keep stopping to check her pulse :rolleyes:

116) No i`m not on my period , honest
117) Please don't talk dirty my parents are standing behind you
118) Wake me up when you've finished ok
119) On second thoughts lets turn off the lights
120) Is that your breath or did a corpse vomit ?
121) No it's not too small , that`d be an improvement
122) Where should we have the honeymoon ?

101 Things Not To Say Or Hear During Sex
 

127. Is it in yet?
128. What's the problem sweetie your sister really likes it like this.
128. Before the operation my name was Barry.
129. Keys for the handcuffs? Oh shit, don't worry my Husband is a cop I'm sure he will have a spare set with him when he gets home.
130. You think my boobs are big wait till I'm 16.
131. Father O'Brian are you sure Jesus wants me to do this?
132. Do you know what a yeast infection is?
133. Now I know why all the girls at work call you Speedy.
134. My child welfare officer thinks I'm at school.
135. I don't care what Greenskull said stop checking my pulse, I am still alive.
136. Ever hear of Wayne Bobbitt?

138. i've fallen and i can't get up!

139. You gotta wash yo ass