101 Things Not To Say During Sex

[Leprechaun]

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[MaxJoker]

102. Ugh when i said it'd be great to do more things together this wasn't what i meant , dad
103. Sure i know it's seeping puss , can't you just work around it ?
104. Baaah Baaah , oh sorry i thought you were someone else
105. Wait let me open my eyes , aaaaaarrrgghhh !!!
106. But your grandma likes it
107. Hold still , i can't land a proper punch
108. If i told you i loved you , would that preempt the need for a cuddle ?
109. Whoops i think the condom broke ........... ten minutes ago


These jokes were brought to you by GreenSkull , now please click the thanks button which sends a nickel into my account

:rolleyes:

[Derwent]

110 I hope you haven't got AIDS, I don't want to catch that again!

[MaxJoker]

111. So that`s what an anal prolapse looks like
112. Wow can't believe i`m actually doing it with a human woman
113. Mmmmm tastes like chicken
114. Have you ever thought of embracing Jesus as your personal lord and saviour ?
115. Do you mind if my kid watches us , the TVs broke

You know i really should copyright my jokes , ah why waste time i'll just put a curse on them instead :D

[JollyHumper]

Why talk during sex?

:D

Jolly

[-Lucifer-]

Why talk during sex?

:D

Jolly

Good point.

:p

[MaxJoker]

Why talk during sex?

:D

Jolly




Well for me it's either that or keep stopping to check her pulse :rolleyes:

[MaxJoker]

116) No i`m not on my period , honest
117) Please don't talk dirty my parents are standing behind you
118) Wake me up when you've finished ok
119) On second thoughts lets turn off the lights
120) Is that your breath or did a corpse vomit ?
121) No it's not too small , that`d be an improvement
122) Where should we have the honeymoon ?

[AlBundy]

123. i can't stop laughing

[AlBundy]

124. talk to the hand!

[AlBundy]

125. cluck, cluck

[AlBundy]

126. i smell fish

[mjefferys1]

127. Is it in yet?
128. What's the problem sweetie your sister really likes it like this.
128. Before the operation my name was Barry.
129. Keys for the handcuffs? Oh shit, don't worry my Husband is a cop I'm sure he will have a spare set with him when he gets home.
130. You think my boobs are big wait till I'm 16.
131. Father O'Brian are you sure Jesus wants me to do this?
132. Do you know what a yeast infection is?
133. Now I know why all the girls at work call you Speedy.
134. My child welfare officer thinks I'm at school.
135. I don't care what Greenskull said stop checking my pulse, I am still alive.
136. Ever hear of Wayne Bobbitt?

[AlBundy]

138. i've fallen and i can't get up!

[AlBundy]

139. You gotta wash yo ass

[AlBundy]

140. Eeeewwwwww!

[beezer60]

http://rapidshare.com/files/173552171/Things_NOT_to_say_during_Sex.mp3

[AlBundy]

142. "Wait, let me finish my sandwich."

[AlBundy]

143. "Buuuurp!"

[AlBundy]

144. "You're under arrest!"

[spitalhouse]

Put on a CD? Okay, what do you prefer - 'The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band' or 'World War II Sound Effects'?

[AlBundy]

144. The car is moving and its headed straight off the cliff!

[AlBundy]

145. me love you long time

[AlBundy]

146. Die you fuckin lame!

[AlBundy]

147. Hold up - I need to take a huge dump.

[AlBundy]

148. Let me get stoned first.

[AlBundy]

149. Ooohhhh AL!

[Leprechaun]

150. Sorry Darling ... but it not just feels like a festering abscess ...

[kiwi]

151. I think the ceiling needs painting, don't you?

[boabf]

your ex's name

[icu]

152. Passed a new Shoe store on my way to you Honey. Easy parking.

[buggeration]

'Do you take it up the ass? your sister does!'

[Leprechaun]

157. Mum always said ....

[icu]

158.

http://img235.imagevenue.com/loc444/th_94543_00000096_123_444lo.jpg (http://img235.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=94543_00000096_123_444lo.jpg) :D

[bfg9000]

"You had Mexican tonight for supper didn't you, and I don't mean Juan or Pedro either!"

[TCO95]

"I never made money this easy when I was a man" :eek:

[Estreeter]

"You have not met them yet, but my 2 kids love hiding under my bed":D

[Mr.Bungle]

162: "Ohhh...you feel so good, mom..."
163: "What's the deal with those little bags of peanuts airlines give you?"
164: "I never thought I'd want to have sex again after my last test results!"

[Estreeter]

165, Will you call a cab for me

[icu]

166. When do we start ? Ah ... we did ... (!!!!)
167. First one, I am the winner !
168. Last one turns off the lights.

[slowdiver]

169. Wake me up when you're finished honey.
170. Your grandma was better at this than you. But then she took her teeth out to do it.
171. No, I don't need to use a condom. They said that you can only catch this once anyways.
172. Crikey, you don't sweat much for a fat lass do you?
173. Whipping out a 3 x 3 piece of plywood and breaking into a Rolf Harris impression.
174. Keep sucking love, I just need to send this text.

[Carrot74]

175. "Could you stop that? It's raw already."

[Mr.Bungle]

176: OOPS!

[Estreeter]

177, Better make this quick, mom is picking me up soon:eek:

[Mr.Bungle]

One for the ladies:

178: Tell me when it's in, okay? (ouch :o)

[Estreeter]

179, Hurry up, I need a shit :D:D:D

[steve40]

an absolute classic not to say during sex is who farted

[Estreeter]

180,
Can you take the batteries out of the vibrator, the remote control is not working:D:D:D

[buggeration]

What's for tea?

[Estreeter]

182,
Would you mind if I recorded this?

[gluten]

ohh, did i mention that i have the ebola virus ? :(

[Estreeter]

ohh, did i mention that i have the ebola virus ? :(

So what, I've got swine flu

[Mr.Bungle]

185: What is that?!

[bfg9000]

186: Hey! Your folks just pulled up in the driveway!

[Estreeter]

186: Hey! Your folks just pulled up in the driveway!
Hey! Your folks just pulled up in the driveway! Do ya think your mum will join in:D

[tabler]

Hmmm your not as tight as your sister;)

[kananga]

Pass the dog food

[Futuro]

183: "Just noticed that you got analog-tv, ever thought to buy digital?"

[tabler]

This is like the 'Rodeo' ride,take her from behind, call her her best friends name and see how long you can stay on:D

[RobertoX]

184. When she says during oral sex ,,he doesn't get stiff'' answer,,no but clean certainly''

[tygrkhat40]

185. You thought you could hurt me with that?
186. It looks like a penis, only smaller.
187. Oh, yeah baby, you're the greatest, oh, yeah...(looks at her watch.)
188. Why, yes, I would like to switch my long distance carrier.
189. Your father is a better lay than you. (Said by him)
190. Who's your daddy? You are.

[SpermShooter]

Never say Oh baby your p-ssy is so big

[MaxJoker]

192 . " Wait , don`t don`t move , i think it`s broken off inside you ! "

[swamp thing]

You are on a par with your sister despite what everyone says.

[gmcbee]

You don't sweat much for a fat girl!

[Mal Hombre]

193. You sound just like Your Mother when You come.

[MaxJoker]

194. Granddad was right , you are really tight .

[swamp thing]

Mind if I call you Dave?

[Manny Fagnett]

It feels like my brothers when I got in right.

[Manny Fagnett]

Your sister, my sister... Not my fault they share the same name.

[tygrkhat40]

198. Hey, who invited Ron Jeremy?

[Emnky]

What do you mean "Awwww Bless.."; and no i'm not cold.....

This is my favorite boob.. the other... well....

Is that a wart!!???

Did you shower today?




Oh and a little off topic.. a few pointers of not what to do after sex!!.....

1: Dont have your mobile under her pillow and have speed dial ready and reach for it on the point of ejaculation and shout TAAAXXXIIIII (big no no.. gets you in trouble)

2: As hard as it may be, don't say cheers, thanks, ta...most of all dont say them all together followed by the above number 1 (that could result in a pain in random places)

3: We know she wants a cuddle, we know we don't... but a pat on the head followed by the above number 2 will result in very grumpy wife/girlfriend... don't pat.. this could end in bollock/ball pain!(even though it's funny..in fact it's really funny)

4:Finally...and maybe most important...When you're with your woman... you know you wont cum....don't tell her to make an effort..this is not good, in fact it's really not good, in fact you could end with a purple lefty. Just lie..pretend you have cramp...make a joke..not the your arse would look fat even in a Volvo..your breath smells like a wet dog!!...No.. these wont do. Im thinking more like "Sorry sweetheart, im not going to cum..shall we cuddle..give me a momement.......nooooo its not you... look..listen ...it's not your fault you have a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle..its your hillbilly genetics..you may have things i dont like.. and yes your beard is one (and the one big arm...(did i mention the cave you call a minge??!!))..apart from that give me a kiss...ohh before you do here's a bag for you head with i poster of some-one i like on it.......

[Manny Fagnett]

Oh Momma...

[Manny Fagnett]

You smell fish?

[Mal Hombre]

199, Hey ,Did You used to be a man ?
200. Well,Your daughter enjoys it.

[Norbert84]

201: not saying anything

[Estreeter]

202, I'll just insert these batteries into my penis and it should work OK then :eek:

[MaxJoker]

203. Hey how come i`m wearing a condom now , plus i don`t remember coming yet ? .

[cuzzyman927]

204. Wake me when its over!
205. Didn't you cum yet?
206. Is that your pussy, or did I fall down an open man-hole cover?
207. Oh baby put in it ... I've had it in for 5 minutes already!
208. Just suck my cock and forget about it!
209. You've got the cutest face I've ever "come" across.

[MaxJoker]

210. Do you think i tipped the waiter too much as that steak was pretty chewy ?

[Estreeter]

211, Pass the vodka over , I'm bored ;)

[larsen525]

#212: I hope you don't mind if I scream my own name.

[Mal Hombre]

213.You remind Me of My Mother.

[MaxJoker]

214. Sssssssssssssh i can hear a horrible screaming ; oh no wait that`s me .

[Mal Hombre]

215.Hurry You've still got My laundry to do before You go.
216. Do You do anal ?

[P37]

217. hmm a 7 letter word for a type of rock and it has to fit in with an e from 4 across

[gunner]

Have a rodeo shag, get going doggy style and then call her by her sisters name. I bet you cant hang on for long!!

[iufrenchman]

219. Have you considered the Atkins diet plan?

[HugoHackenbush]

220. I'm starting to think there was something wrong with that curry I had for dinner.

[spyderccp]

221. Did you just fart?

[cuzzyman927]

221. By the way, what's your name?
222. Call her Barbara ... and her name is Michelle!
223. You look familiar, have we fucked before?
224. Hurry up, my wife will be home any minute!
225. Give me a cigarette, and light it for me.
226. I sure hope that paper bag doesn't rip!

[tygrkhat40]

227. 3 minutes, 12 seconds! A new record!

[MaxJoker]

228. No it`s fine , i quite like fat chicks .

[P37]

228. No it`s fine , i quite like fat chicks .


After saying that you will not see her for a couple of days. But then the swelling around the eyes will go own so you should be able to open them again, just in time to see leave. :D:D

[HugoHackenbush]

229. (Whilst performing oral on her) Wow! Can you hear that echo?
230. Let's switch to doggy style. That way I'll have a place to put my ashtray.
231. It's OK. My herpes is in remission.

[P37]

232. Hey if I use my pen to play join the dots with the pimples on your bum I bet I can draw a clowns face and use your bum hole as his nose! If you don't save or wax for a week or two it could pass for Groucho Marx

[Manny Fagnett]

It shouldn't smell now you've had a bag fitted...

[TCO95]

233) You : "Ah shit, I think my wife is home."
Her : "I am your wife!"

[Manny Fagnett]

Wetter than a dog's nose and I should know...

[rockernut]

233.5 :If she happens to fart during a '69' don't say 'Thank God, at least some fresh air!'

[MaxJoker]

234. That reminds me i must stop by the fishmongers tomorrow and pick up that mackerel.

[tommytimp]

235. "Hi! How did the voices in my head treat you last night?"

[cuzzyman927]

236. Your sister has that same cute little birthmark on her ass that you do ... or was it your mother's ass?

237. No dear, having your period right in the middle of me fucking you doesn't make you a virgin!

238. "I love you"

[Manny Fagnett]

It tickles... Just like my dad's moustache.

[tygrkhat40]

It tickles... Just like my dad's moustache.

And it's twice as worse if the man says that...

[Manny Fagnett]

Wait... That IS A clitoris, isn't it?

[MaxJoker]

239. Do you mind if i fart ? , because your breath is making me want to vomit up a book on how to shit , sweetheart .

[Mal Hombre]

240. Have You ever been to the Grand Canyon ?

[MaxJoker]

241. Oh i forgot to ask , you don`t mind if my family watches us do you ?

[Ogri]

1) It's like throwing a banana up the high street

and on a similar note...

2) I should have asked the nurse in maternity to tighten those stitches

[Ogri]

228. No it`s fine , i quite like fat chicks .

I wonder if the garage has fixed my bike?

[flipflop2]

now, let's see, .... where did I put it ......?:confused:

[Mal Hombre]

230. Is it in or not ?

[deepsepia]

You were right, you _do_ look like your Mom

[whop]

242. My ex used to............

[sweatyhat]

Great the adverts are on. We've got three minutes......

[BLUEDINGO]

243. I can't wait to assassinate the President.
244. Don't worry; it will grow back, I'm sure of it.
245. I've got the red mist.
246. And now, the end is near...(Sung Sid Vicious style)
247. I've brought a dog collar for you & my rabid rottweiler doesn't mind you using it.
248. Here comes another one...(Sung Monty Python style)
249. Hmmm, this reminds me of my trip down that dark, smelly sewer.
250. What passes for a woman/man these days is really amazing...
251. I must remember to dig a hole for that coffin.
252. You know, this doesn't taste too bad & it has a nice green colour...
253. I hope my health insurance covers this.

[Estreeter]

255, I know we're in love and all, but how much do I owe ya when we're finished luv ?

[tygrkhat40]

256. Hey, that was great. What's the damages ho? (A variation on Estreeter's previous post)
257. No refunds.

[sweatyhat]

258. Mind out, don't crush my colostomy bag.

[BLUEDINGO]

259. Why don't you want a threesome with the chihuahua? At least he's interested.
260. I got plenty of practice in at the morgue & I'm just aching to use it.
261. I only stayed a short time at that leper colony.
262. That guy from INXS assured me his asphixiation technique was safe.
263. What are my car keys doing in there?

[sweatyhat]

264. We could always, you know, try it the other way.........

[Estreeter]

265, Your face, Your ass, what's the difference ? I can stick it in either one

[sweatyhat]

Mother!

[Mal Hombre]

267. Dad ?

[sweatyhat]

Sing The Dambusters theme.
Leather flying helmet and goggles optional.

[tygrkhat40]

269. Land Ho!

[sweatyhat]

270. Stop struggling!

[Mal Hombre]

271.Hey,You remind Me of the nurse at the VD clinic..

[sweatyhat]

272. I don't care if it's rag week!

[HugoHackenbush]

273: Just about ready. Now for your head. Paper or Plastic?

[gluten]

230. Is it in or not ?

(I think that is something you don't want to 'hear', when having sex, if you are male.)

- Ooh, hang on a moment, there is some corn in it?

[sweatyhat]

Look, we need to finish here so I'm gonna cum. I need a shit.

[Mal Hombre]

274.If I didn't know better,I'd think You were born a woman.

[BLUEDINGO]

Your (select the fitting word -mother/father/brother/sister/uncle/cousin/neice/nephew/ granddaughter/grandson/grandfather/grandmother/aunt/uncle/local flasher/stick insect)
doesnt mind when I bitch slap them around.

And

The aliens will be around soon to probe us as well.

[sweatyhat]

277. Would you mind wearing this wig?

[BLUEDINGO]

Sweatyhat, you forgot to mention that the wig must be worn with the gorilla mask. :rolleyes:

[Mal Hombre]

278.Do You mind if I put the webcam on, So My Friend can watch ?

[P37]

279 . Shit it's the police! run for it

[BLUEDINGO]

279. I need the pentagram & the dead chicken to do this properly.
280. Wow! You can swing a cat in there. (not to be said by the man.)
281. Will that at least touch the sides? (not to be said by the woman.)
282. Mmmmmoooooooooo! (only to be said by the animal in case it is in pain.)
283. This goes with meat, fish, poultry & any other damn thing it wants to! (in respect to Robin Williams.)

[Mal Hombre]

284.Shut up Dad! It's Your turn next!

[P37]

285. (from her) Oh look, it's like a cock, only smaller!

[BLUEDINGO]

286. Charles Manson says hi.
287. Is that supposed to permanently blind me?
288. Our father, who art in heaven...
289. I'll just get a shifting spanner.
290. It's okay -we're across state lines!

[kananga]

291. Take your elbow out of the soup, your sitting on the chicken (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laughter_(album)). :)

To be simple and wise
Never tell lies
Always pick on someone my own size
Would be quite a thing
And when I make it swing
I’ll write you a letter or I’ll give you a ring

Take your elbow out of the soup, you’re sitting on the chicken
Take your elbow out of the soup, you’re sitting on the chicken
Take your elbow out of the soup, you’re sitting on the chicken
Holding you tight is extremely all right
If ain’t called love then it ain’t like a light, sailor :confused:

[sweatyhat]

Banzai!

[Ogri]

If it's all the same to you, I'd rather have a wank.

or alternately;

I'm only doing this to give my wrist a rest.

[BLUEDINGO]

292. The gang will be here in a few minutes to service you too.
293. This brings back fond memories of my time at the zoo...
294. (For all women over 100 kgs) So are you charging me $5 for each pound you weigh?
295. (For all women under 50 kgs) Well, it was either you or a broom handle...
296. (For all men, regardless of weight size) I've got that length of high voltage mains cable warmed & ready...

[CasB]

"Has yours slime'd yet? The bus goes in 5 minutes."
True conversation between 2 Pompey lovelies who were servicing sailors under a shelter on the Southsea seafront.

[BLUEDINGO]

297. Actually, I'm blind & have no sense of smell -that's why I'm so good at this!
298. I've lit a match because the canary has just died.
299. Oh, this? It's just a hedgetrimmer/weedwacker/angle-grinder...
300. I see you've been to Denmark...
301. That's funny, you're not deflating!

[robin999]

302. How do you like your eggs, fried or fertilized?

[sweatyhat]

303. You're soaking. Didn't realise I was having sloppy seconds.

[robin999]

304. Reminds me, I must buy some cheese later.
305. Where the hell did you come from?
306. Sorry it's a bit smelly, your sis likes anal.

[BLUEDINGO]

307. Should that be pierced?
308. I now know why I'm an atheist...
309. I'll try your armpit first.
310. You being double jointed doesn't even help.
311. Ah, I see it's low tide at the docks again.

[robin999]

312. I'm fantasizing about your mother ...
313. I'm fantasizing about my mother ...
314. You remind me of my dog

[BLUEDINGO]

315. I'm sorry dear, I thought you were the babysitter.
316. Why do I smell bleach on your breath?
317. I see you've been in many car accidents...
318. This is just just a cult initiation.
319. Your family warned me about this
320. Pop goes that weasel!

[sweatyhat]

321. It's OK, I'm sterile.

[BLUEDINGO]

322. When do/did they lift the quarantine restrictions?
323. If this doesn't kill me, then nothing will.
324. I'm doing this for Queen & country.
325. Is that supposed to pop, fizz & melt holes in the mattress?
326. Where's Jack the Ripper when you need him?

[Ogri]

That reminds me, must nip downstairs and take the sausages out of the fridge - At least they won't fart when I do...

[sweatyhat]

328. ....but I managed nasal sex with Daniella Westbrook! I'll just go fetch my pliers...:)

http://ist1-2.filesor.com/pimpandhost.com/1/_/_/_/1/z/R/B/R/zRBR/westbrook_0.jpg (http://pimpandhost.com/image/8547559-original.html)

329. From her - That reminds me, I must get some button mushrooms next time I'm out.

[Ogri]

Is there a 'Best Before Date' on this?

[tygrkhat40]

331. And boom goes the dynamite!

[naggingmom]

hahaha. Nice upload! good stuff right there.

"you woke me up for that?!?"

[Ogri]

He to her whilst down at pussy, "That reminds me, did you take the bins out?"

[BLUEDINGO]

As we are all saying things that are at their most basic honesty, then the next one tells us just exactly who's involved:

334. I'm really Russel Brand/Peter Andre/Justin Bieber/Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien/Jordan/Posh Spice/Gordon Ramsay/Amy Winehouse (before she died).

The rest are just Freudian slips, I suppose...:D

335. Where are the slug pellets?
336. So you lubricate with napalm? That's, erm, nice...
337. I never knew Velcro could be used like that.
338. This is dissolving my fillings.
339. I think I'm having a heart attack/anneurysm/stroke/rectal prolapse/fit.
340. Should I be giving you a reach around? (Optional, in case of confusion.)

[BLUEDINGO]

The first 2 are just an appreciation of our dedication to our job at hand::D

341. I handled much less blood than this when I worked at the slaughterhouse.
342. I rack up huge frequent flyer points each time I visit the VD clinic.

The next 3 add some worthwhile melodies/harmonies to the proceedings::)

343. Who let the dogs out?
344. Climb every mountain...
345. The old grey mare she ain't what she used to be...

P.S. Given that we're now up to No. 345, should we change the title to '1001 things not to say during sex'?:confused:

It does bear thinking about...:rolleyes:

[P37]

346 Don't thank me, thank Grandma, she taught me how to please a woman

[Hot Solar]

from a woman

"Is it in"??

[BLUEDINGO]

348. Do you ever get the feeling you've been cheated?
349. I like to lick out toilet bowls.
350. Who killed Bambi?
351. God save Martin Boorman and nazi's on the run.
352. Myra Hindley! Myra Hindley! (especially not to be shouted in the throes of passion!)

For those who care, all the above points have in some way been inspired by the Sex Pistols ...and yes, I'm a rather sad individual.:D

Well, I did warn you in the title that I would be getting into the dark side of responses...didn't I?:rolleyes:

[MisterMacky]

353. World of Warcraft

[BLUEDINGO]

from a woman

"Is it in"??

The man's alternative to this is:

354. Why do you have so many holes to choose from?

[sweatyhat]

355. Can my Dad have sloppy seconds?

[mrfixit]

356. Can my grandmother join?

[sweatyhat]

357. Sorry this isn't working. You know I can't do it if you're not wearing the Margaret Thatcher mask.

[BLUEDINGO]

358. Richard Gere assured me these gerbils will live through this.
359. Are those gerbils still alive?
360. That feels so cold & vaccuous, you should use it to store frozen meat.
361. This has been used to store frozen meat -quite successfully!
362. You look much better upside down & in the dark.
363. This is good, but it's much better when you do it in a body bag.

In reflection, I just hope these comments don't force anyone to become a vegetarian...:rolleyes:

[tygrkhat40]

364. You might feel a slight burning sensation.

[Lurk_D]

365) That tingling sensation isn't a Taser, it's my VD.

[sweatyhat]

366. I'll take off the gag if you stop moaning about the pepper in your eyes.

[sweatyhat]

367. I love giving facials.
If you took out your glass eye, the empty socket would give me something to aim at.

[BLUEDINGO]

368. Just another pint of sweet sherry, Boris...
369. Where are the emergency exits?
370. Do you mind me violently throwing up on you?
371. I've tried industrial strength sand-paper that felt smoother.
372. You said you wanted to use "what" to ice a cake later?
373. I've heard that tertiary syphillis does wonders for your complexion...

[BLUEDINGO]

374. That's funny, I'm getting the brackish mixed aftertaste of crystal meth, rat poison & tixylix.
375. Why are my underwear on your head/face?
376. I'd like to consider this as part of my 'Working for the dole' scheme.
377. Could you at least get your doberman to lick my dick? It feels very dry down there...
378. That's not my doberman...it's actually my brother.
379. Here's 5 cents; I'd like some change later...
380. Keep your money; you'll need all of it for when you visit the doctor...
381. Why is your mother/father standing there with a whip?
382. That's very big, black & furry -and I'm afraid of it!

That last one is usable by the man/woman/other; not that us here at VEF would ever be that fearful...:rolleyes:

[tygrkhat40]

383. No refunds.

[mrfixit]

384. such a little thing isn't it cute

[Lurk_D]

385) This still needs to cook.

[Brettro]

386) You don't sweat much for a fat chick.

[cuzzyman927]

387. Yes sweetheart, you sure do have a tight pussy, but maybe next time you could try removing the girdle!

388. Your phone number wasn't in the book, luckily I remembered the men's room at Joe's bar!

[sweatyhat]

389. Bugger off with that defibrilator, I'm a necrophiliac! How would you like it if I disturbed you!

[Mal Hombre]

390.Thar she blows !
391.Hi Ho Silver!

[TCO95]

392: Done yet?. Game started 5 minutes ago.

[tygrkhat40]

393. For crying out loud, it's been 3 minutes, would you come already?

[Avallanius]

394. Wake me up when you've finished!

395. Well that's how my Mom used to do it to me.

[BLUEDINGO]

The next ones all have a very common, related theme, so make what you will of them...:D

396. Suckee fuckee, five dollar!
397. Why must I take a ticket & wait?
398. Me love you long time!
399. What's with the red flashing light on your bedpost?
400. By any chance, are you a Thai lady-boy?
401. Are you sure you're not a Thai lady-boy?
402. For the last time, I'm not a Thai lady-boy -I've had the operation!
403. For someone who says they're not a Thai lady-boy, I actually find your 5 o'clock shadow attractive...

And just a few tit-bits to get our blood clotting...:rolleyes:

404. I'm busting for the loo, so doing it here won't make any difference...
405. At home, people would've been publicly executed for doing much less than this!
406. I perform much better with my chainsaw...shall I go get it?

[cuzzyman927]

407. I know that you wear false teeth, so the next time I ask you for some gum please don't hand me a stick of Juicy Fruit!

408. The next time you're sitting on my dick and you decide to spin around to face me, please make sure the paper bag stays on your head!

[kennyjackson]

409. Madam, you have the chest of a 12 yr old boy

[tygrkhat40]

410. Gee, you're hung like a sixth grader.

[P37]

411 your blow job style is identical to your mother, did she teach you or was it your dad?

[cuzzyman927]

412. What's that, you always do everything like your mother does and tells you? It sure looks like I taught her well!

413. I just love that little tongue flicking and licking action that you do when you're blowing me, but must you keep that fucking cold ice cream cone against my dick while you're doing it!?

414. My cock and your pussy were meant for each other and work well together, but my dear it also works just as well in other pussies too!

[sweatyhat]

415. Sing your national anthem.

[rlg118]

416. Why did God have to put the snack shop next to the shithouse?

[TCO95]

417. That reminds me, let's go out for all you can eat Crab.

[Mal Hombre]

418.I've never seen one of those before..

[cuzzyman927]

419. Why must you always eat beans for lunch when you know that we will be making love in the evening?

420. I hope that blood is from you just having shaved your pussy?

[sweatyhat]

421. Can we do it doggy style? Your breath is melting my face.

[cuzzyman927]

422. I knew something was terribly wrong with you when I said lets do it missionary style and then you folded your hands together like you were saying prayers in church!

[sweatyhat]

423. Your gender reassignment surgery went badly wrong somewhere.

[P37]

424 woud you please put you wig back on, re fit your glass eye and get the wonder bra back out of the laundry basket. Without them I find you a lot less attractive!

[cuzzyman927]

424 woud you please put you wig back on, re fit your glass eye and get the wonder bra back out of the laundry basket. Without them I find you a lot less attractive!

You forgot to also say, take your false teeth out of the glass on the night table and put them back in your mouth!

[P37]

You forgot to also say, take your false teeth out of the glass on the night table and put them back in your mouth!
two words


GUM JOB! :o:o

[sweatyhat]

425. I can't find it. Is it somewhere under these folds?

426. Mr Rohypnol, superstud!

427. Hand me the torch will you?

[P37]

you are a bug girl, where is your pussy in all this flab? go on fart an give me a clue!

[cuzzyman927]

429. How many times must I tell you to stop using the electric toothbrush as a vibrator!

430. There must be 100 reasons why you are special to me, but I can't think of a single one!

431. If my dick could only talk, it would be yelling at me every time I stick it into your smelly pussy!

432. Your pussy smells so bad that even the Titanic couldn't/wouldn't go down on it!

[Mal Hombre]

433.Alright,but after the blowjob,You put the bag back on...

[BLUEDINGO]

434. I thank f@#k I'm not sober!
435. Why do those all little spots keep moving around on your body?
436. Do I at least get an after dinner mint?
437. Linda Blair at least had the decency to turn her head right around whilst throwing up & mouthing obscenities...
438. This reminds me, I must go the VD clinic later...
439. Oompah, Oompah, doompity do, I've got another puzzle for you...
440. No, I really don't care or want to know how Russell Brand did this...

Ok, that last one I put down to my hopeful imagination of doing it to Katy Perry, so sue me...:rolleyes:

[BLUEDINGO]

441. You know, I could’ve been your father, but the guy ahead of me had the right change.
442. Do you want fries with my mayonnaise?
443. I'll play a bit of banjo music to get us in the mood...
444. That film "Deliverance" has had a huge impact on my life & here's how...
445. I can't wait to write your name, phone number & address on the wall of the local public toilets!

[theequestrian]

446. "Your...
a - Mom is tighter"
b - Dad is tighter"
c - Mom didn't spit"
d - Dad didn't either"
447. "You know, you look a lot like Gerard Depardiu when you cum"
448. "Sure I want to get married someday, just not to you"
449. "So, I went to the Clinic today..."
450. "Define 'cheating'..."

[cuzzyman927]

451a. The next time you have to fart will you please go in the bathroom.
451b. So sorry, that wasn't a fart it is your breath?

[DrBone]

452: No honestly, you were great. On a scale of 1 to 10 your a definite 8....I mean I'd give your mother a 9 but your sister is no more than a 5....Your dad on the other hand is off the scale!.....Whens great aunt Agnes coming over again?

[BLUEDINGO]

453. That rat poison you gave me isn't helping my erection.
454. Oh, so you're still alive? Damn, I can't continue now!
455. Nobody gives Colonel Sanders the stick I've had & he kills over 9 million chickens a day!*
456. I think I'll go back to working for Cirque De Soliel than continue with this!
457. Yes, I'm inside! What's it to you, anyway?
458. We're actually doing it at a crime scene -in advance!
459. Well, at least your arterial blood matches the colour of the curtains...
460. Yes, I can see the light, so stop bashing me in the head with that bible!

*Only refers to Ozzy Osbourne, given his, um, "interesting" life-history...:rolleyes:

[cuzzyman927]

461. If you looked as good as you fuck then maybe I would take you out in public!

[BLUEDINGO]

462. I'm a lumberjack & I'm okay...
463. Maquis De Sade was a wussy amateur compared to me!
464. About the only disease I don't have is...(Fill in ailment here.)
465. Were you born in Chernobyl? It would explain a great deal...
466. Can I use your face as a dartboard?
467. I dress in women's clothing & hang around in bars.
468. Yes, I am a man/woman! Why do you ask?
469. I've gone through the same things as Rasputin to get sex!
470. Andrea Dworkin suggested that you desperately need my manly help.

Okay, I'll admit that last one must be taken with a grain of salt; I think it really needs to go on the "Things that definitely will never be said during sex" list...:rolleyes:

[cuzzyman927]

471. Guess what honey, BLUEDINGO is coming over with his lists!!

[tmee2000]

472. For God's sake! I only wrote that poem to test my printer.

[BLUEDINGO]

471. Guess what honey, BLUEDINGO is coming over with his lists!!
Cuzzy, for me to come over (every pun intended!) with my lists would be undeniably lethal to your sex-life; don't tempt me with things you don't understand...and I'll probably take some polaroids of you two in action while I'm there...:p

In any case, here are some tit-bits to get our blood clotting...:D

473. The last time I did this, I was in the bunker with Adolf & Eva.
474. It’s the end of the world!
475. This may feel like teen spirit, but it certainly smells like a ruptured colostomy bag.
476. I like licking cane toads to heighten the passion.
477. After this, I’ll think I’ll make a start on eating the garbage.
478. It feels like something keeps biting me down there…
479. It feels like something down there has just bitten it off!
480. I’m getting the raptures of the deep.
481. Oh, what I would right now give for an amyl nitrate!
482. Aarrgghh, me hearties! Where’s me eye-patch, stump and parrot?

And remember, Cuzzy my friend; a window with a tie can still be barred...:rolleyes:

I think there's something in that for all of us -don't you?

[MaxJoker]

483. " Do you mind if i smoke ? , as your breath smells like a dead pig shit out a book on how to throw up , my darling "

[BLUEDINGO]

484. Would you mind me using you as a piñata?
485. And I thought the horror house at the amusement park was frightening!
486. I can see why you’ve been listed as both a rare and endangered species.
487. Should flowers be sprouting from there?
488. Erm, no thanks; I don’t want to start with a highly invasive colonic irrigation.
489. I didn’t know mulch could be used like that.
490. This hasn’t been covered by any of the papal laws.
491. It’s not Friday, so I’d rather not eat fish, thank you.
492. When I put my ear up to it, I hear the roar of the ocean.
493. I right now seriously envy Stevie Wonder.
494. Just because I’m Bill Clinton, it doesn’t mean you will need to do any dry-cleaning…
495. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!(Strong Brady Bunch overtones.)

Okay, that last one isn't really all that festive...:rolleyes:

[TCO95]

485) Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone. :p
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx8x3LCnYZw&NR=1

[cuzzyman927]

[QUOTE=BLUEDINGO;1795656]
Cuzzy, for me to come over (every pun intended!) with my lists would be undeniably lethal to your sex-life; don't tempt me with things you don't understand...and I'll probably take some polaroids of you two in action while I'm there...:p
__________________________________________________ __________________

It wouldn't bother me in the least my friend, I've screwed under worse conditions! But, on top of that, the first person I see coming through the door, regardless of who it is, I'm out of there in a heartbeat. If it happened to be you I would leave you there to entertain her -- perhaps you could read her few lines. ;):)

A few for the up-coming season ...

496. Take a look at the jack-o-lantern in the window and then you will know why I call you pumpkin!

497. I'll say you haven't been laid in a long time, your pussy has more cobwebs on it than a haunted house!

498. I don't mind the moaning and groaning, but that fucking howling is a bit much and its going to wake up the entire building!

[MaxJoker]

499. " Ugh , ugh , look i kinda like it kinky , so do you mind if i keep punching your face until my knuckles taste pillow , sugar pie "

[BLUEDINGO]

[QUOTE=BLUEDINGO;1795656 If it happened to be you I would leave you there to entertain her -- perhaps you could read her few lines. ;):)

Nah, I wouldn't be that cruel, cuzzy; she'd definitely leave immediately after seeing me, never mind staying to hear any of my lines. Mind you, she might stay if we did some lines, but that's another storry...;)

But onto much more sarcastic avenues, so be ready to start watching your hair fall out...:eek:

500. I think I just found Wally out of "Where's Wally?"
501. Andrea Dworkin & post-operation Renee Richards/Christine Jorgenson taught me how to be a man!
502. Erm, I didn't literally mean that I enjoy poo-pushing...
503. Yes, I know they're called beef curtains, but I don't want any gravy!
504. It helps me that my last sex act involved pushing a donkey off a cliff with my dick...
505. Do I really need this harpoon?
506. Please call 911 -and get the burns unit ready!
507. On second thoughts, I will need that harpoon...
508. How did I get here and who are you?
509. Do you have any more chloroform? It's, um, rather tasty in comparison...
510. In doing this, I'm now the sole beneficiary of your will -right?
511. Should I right now be thinking of Sarah Palin?

That last one, I must insist, was not my idea, but that of a Canadian friend; he finds her hot, apparently...:rolleyes:

[TCO95]

512) How can I miss you if you won't leave?

[SpermShooter]

Baby, can I cum in your ear?:D

[cuzzyman927]

Baby, can I cum in your ear?:D

One thing is for certain, the next time you walk in unexpectedly and startle her and she says I didn't hear you comin', you will be able to say to her, yes you did, last night! (lol)

[tygrkhat40]

514. Yeah, that clinches it. I'm a lesbian.
515. Can I turn on BBC America? I need to think of England.

[sweatyhat]

Baby, can I cum in your ear?:D
515. Aural sex is all the rage at your mother's parties.
516. Ever try nasal sex?
517. Right what's it to be, ketamine, rohypnol or the cosh?

[MaxJoker]

518 . Are sure you haven`t had kids ? , Then how come your pussies so loose , Look i`m not that tiny ok , So you must have either squeezed out half a dozen brats or spent the last year shoving a mountain top up your snatch, What the hell do you use for a vibrator then , The 12.30 train to London ?, Oh stop crying , You`re putting me off and i`m almost finished , Dearest .

[TCO95]

519) Does this rag smell like chloroform?

[sweatyhat]

520. Bite yer pillow, I'm goin' in dry!

[TCO95]

521)Me "You got the smallest tits and tightest pussy of all time." Her "Get off my back!"

[sweatyhat]

522. That's OK love, I'll use extra lube if your haemorrhoids are bleeding.

[nevada1]

The wrong girls name

[rlg118]

523. I think I'm lost... is this the way to the Fulton Fish Market?

[cuzzyman927]

524. For heaven's sake, the next time you take the bag off your head for me to give you a facial will you please hand it over to me and let me borrow it!

[SoMeGuY33]

That's not how your Sister does it....

[cuzzyman927]

526. I have seen some dopey and dumb chicks in my time, but I can honestly say without a doubt that you top the list! When I asked if I could pet your pussy i didn't mean for you to go and get Twinkles your cat!

[FlyStrat]

After the first deep kiss: What did you eat today? A rotten rat?? At least use garlic please!!!

[jennyjones150]

Wake me up when you've finished will you?

[BLUEDINGO]

528. Look, I paid to get in; must I also pay with my soul to leave?
529. Stagnant swamps, marshy bogs, tar pits, sewer outlets, your pussy –they’re all the same to me, really…
530. I think it’s time I became gay…
531. Stop gagging on that; it’s not supposed to suffocate you…yet.
532. Should those be detachable?
533. Man: Do you spit or swallow?
534. Woman: Actually, I bite & chew…
535. Erm, going by your needle marks, how often do you donate blood?
536. You’re more lifeless than that dead body I dug up!
537. Just because I’m a m0therf@#ker doesn’t mean I’ll give you any special attention…
538. People call me Buffalo Bill –I like to skin my humps!
539. It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again!
540. So I cut out his liver & had it with fava beans & a nice bottle of Chianti!

Okay, so I stole those last three from ‘Silence Of The Lambs’; forgive me that my creativity isn’t what it used to be…:rolleyes:

[theequestrian]

541 - "Guess which of us has 'the clap'"
542 - "The dog has 'winners'"
543 - "There's something crawling up your neck"
544 - "Hold on, I need to strap a board across my ass"
545 - You: "Does this hurt?"
Her: "No"
You: "Let me try again"

[BLUEDINGO]

546. A large number of homeless men actually recommended you to me…
547. Sarah Conner? (Very strong Schwartzneggian overtones here.)
548. I thought only saran gas made your eye-sockets bleed…
549. Actually, I’m only here due to losing heavily at a card game…
550. Actually, I’m only here due to unfortunately winning at a game of Russian roulette…
551. Have the whole six fleets been through here?
552. Wow! I never knew tattoos were so helpful. At least I get to read something good…
553. Um, I’m quite worried about that 6-foot spider that’s hanging from your ceiling…
554. What do you mean, that spider hasn’t eaten yet?
555. I’m only wearing clown make-up because I need something to amuse me…

You know, I always thought that talking during sex heightened the intimacy; ah, well...:rolleyes:

[tygrkhat40]

556. Your brother said you'd do this without complaint.
557. "...I'm Mike Wallace, and this is 60 Minutes."

[Mal Hombre]

558. Keep quiet My Wife will hear Us ...